January 11, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Leading women from politics, the arts and other fields urged President-elect Donald Trump on Monday to support a new national women’s museum in Washington. Said Trump, “I don’t understand, D.C. already has a Hooters.”

2. DNA traces found on plastic bands used to tie the wrists of Kim Kardashian helped French police arrest 17 suspects in connection with the October gunpoint robbery of the reality tv star in Paris. It’s not the first, nor will it be the last, time that Kim was wiped down for someone else’s DNA.

3. A man is claiming that his struggle with sleep apnea caused him to grope a woman’s breasts on a flight. “You got it all wrong, they’re the ones supposed to be asleep,” said Cosby.

4. A librarian in Orlando is in trouble after he created a library card for a fake person named ‘Chuck Finley’ who checked out 2,361 books over the span of nine months to keep those titles in circulation and on the shelves. Authorities became suspicious when some in Florida checked out a book.

5. A woman at a hospital in Detroit last week wore an electronic Chewbacca mask while giving birth. Said the gynecologist, “Even worse, the carpet matched the curtains.”

6. During his farewell speech last night, President Obama said, “the Constitution is just a piece of parchment, it has no power on its own.” “Good to know,” said Donald Trump while looking for a pair of scissors.

7. According to a new, unverified report, Russia has been blackmailing Donald Trump with embarrassing personal information for years, including a claim that during a trip to Russia, Trump hired prostitutes to urinate on him. But at least conservatives now know that he is a fan of ‘trickle-down economics.’

8. Federal wildlife officials called climate change the biggest threat to polar bears, warning that without decisive action, they will almost certainly disappear. And, if not that, they will succumb to their second biggest threat, diabetes:
polar-bears

9. During his confirmation hearing on Tuesday, Donald Trump’s nominee for Attorney General, Jeff Sessions, condemned the Ku Klux Klan. Although it was unnerving that he referred to them as “the fellas.”

10. An L.A.-based artist has spent the last nine years using Fedex to ship glass boxes so that they break and he can display them as shattered sculpture art. As a result, Delta has renamed all its baggage handler, baggage artists.

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