January 12, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. The World Champion Chicago Cubs will visit the White House on Monday, just four days before President-elect Donald Trump takes office. Ah, I remember a simpler time when ‘World Champion Chicago Cubs’ would have been the craziest part of that sentence.

2. When asked during his press conference whether he accepted that Russian President Vladimir Putin tried to help him win the election, President-elect Donald Trump said, “If Putin likes Donald Trump, I consider that an asset.” Which is funny because ‘asset’ is exactly what Russian intelligence agencies call Donald.
3. During yesterday’s news conference, President-elect Donald Trump’s attorney, Sheri Dillon, said that “no new foreign deals will be made [by the Trump Organization] whatsoever during President Trump’s Presidency.” Which means Melania can’t be replaced for at least the next four years.
4. During yesterday’s news conference, President-elect Donald Trump called CNN a fake news outlet. If only:

5. The Kremlin said on Wednesday it was “total nonsense” that Russian officials had assembled a file of compromising information on President-elect Donald Trump. Said one such official, “I wouldn’t call it a file.”

6. Monmouth University in New Jersey announced that it will house a collection of works and memorabilia from hometown rocker Bruce Springsteen. Before this, to see such an extensive shrine to Springsteen you would have had to go to literally any other place in New Jersey.

7. Secretary of State nominee Rex Tillerson said on Wednesday that he does not think other countries getting nuclear weapons is a good thing, thinks that climate change does exist and called Mexico a “long-standing” friend. Begging the question, what the fuck is he doing in Trump’s cabinet?

8. In a recent interview, Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi said she thinks it’s a “little weird” that President-elect Trump was tweeting about the ratings of the new “Celebrity Apprentice” instead of getting ready to run the country. You know what else is weird, writing a headline about Snooki in 2017.

9. On Monday, Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway said that the media should not focus on what Donald Trump says, and instead report on what is in his heart. Which is ridiculous because the media is already doing that, I saw a documentary on that exact topic over the Christmas break:

10. A German lawmaker has suggested a plan where the government would subsidizes paid prostitutes for elderly people living in nursing homes. “And like a sucker I’ve been going to Russia and paying this whole time,” said 70-year-old Donald Trump.

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