September 24, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. After a man scaled a twelve-foot high fence and entered the White House earlier this week, the Secret Service is reevaluating the safety procedures in place. The first step, putting one of those “Protected by Brinks” signs on the White House front lawn.

2. After a 2-2 start, the University of Michigan is offering a promotion where anyone who buys two Coca-Cola products, listed at $1.50 a piece, will be given two free tickets to this Saturday’s game against the University of Minnesota. Said Wolverines fans, “On second thought, we’re not that thirsty.”

3. According to a new report, approximately 1.3 million students enrolled in U.S. public schools were homeless during the 2012-13 school year. But, on the plus side, no home, no homework.

4. According to the TSA, a woman was arrested at JFK International Airport on Monday for trying to smuggle to disassembled .40 caliber handguns, 350 rounds of ammunition, four magazines for the guns and 33 pounds of marijuana. Said the woman, “The plan worked, they didn’t even notice my water bottle.”

5. On Tuesday, HBO confirmed that actors Colin Farrell and Vince Vaughn will star in the second season of the critically-acclaimed “True Detective” series. Apparently the second season will focus on the mystery of what happened to Farrell’s career.

6. On Tuesday, Suleiman Abu Ghaith, Osama bin Laden’s son-in-law, was sentenced to life in prison following his conviction on terrorism charges. So sometimes nepotism does work out in the end.

7. On Tuesday, a judge temporarily restored federal protections to wolves in Wyoming. “I think you missed the whole point of that story,” said three little pigs.

8. According to a new study, young men often run into difficulties when they attempt to buy the morning-after pill for their partners. The main problem, tricking their partners into taking it.

9. The U.S. National Institutes of Health began putting in place on Tuesday its new policy aimed at ending long-standing sex bias in biomedical research favoring male lab animals. So congratulations, “Lean In” worked.

10. A Florida woman spent $20,000 on surgery to get a third breast so that she would be unattractive to men because she was tired of dating. But you know there’s some nerd who’s a big fan of “Total Recall” who heard about this and thought “Jackpot!”

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