1. According to a new study, the louder a howler monkey is, the smaller his testicles are. Which checks out, because Trump never said anything about the size of his balls.
2. A British Airlines pilot has been suspended after pictures emerged that appear to be of him pleasuring himself while wearing women’s stockings at the controls of a plane. Said the pilot, “No please, call me Shirley.”
3. Scientists have developed a Viagra mouth spray that works within seconds. Which explains why you grandpa’s breath is so fresh and your grandma looks so tired.
4. A new study found that chubby fathers live longer and are more attractive to the opposite sex than their skinner counterparts. Proving conclusively that Trump University is still conducting studies.
5. A 73-year-old man intentionally drove his 1980 Audi into a pool filled with 12,000 liters of Coca-Cola in an effort to rid his car of rust. “My beautiful pool!!!” yelled Chris Christie.
6. An Italian doctor claims to have invented an ice cream that can enhance sporting performance. It comes in three flavors: Rocky Roid, Cookies and Cream and the Clear, and Needle in the Butter Pecan.
8. According to a new study, women are more likely to cheat on their partners if their mothers cheated as well. They are also more likely to slightly resemble the mailman.
9. On Monday, in response to the FBI reopening its investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump thanked Clinton aide Huma Abedin’s estranged husband Anthony Weiner. Because if we know one thing about Donald Trump, it’s that he’s not gonna thank someone named Carlos Danger.
10. A federal judge on Thursday blocked abortion restrictions in Alabama that limit how close clinics can be to public schools. Because there’s no better advertisement for abortion clinics than being close to a school.