May 19, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Thursday, King Willem-Alexander of the Netherlands revealed that he has been living a secret double life as an airline co-pilot for the past 21 years. Not to be outdone, for the past 37 years, Queen Elizabeth has had a side job working the Burger King drive-thru:

2. Early Thursday morning, President Trump took to Twitter to weigh in on the latest developments in the Russia investigation saying, “This is the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history.” And no one is more of a scholar of American history than Trump, just ask his friend Frederick Douglass.

3. This week, right-wing conspiracy theorist and all-around nut job, Alex Jones apologized to Chobani for unfounded claims he made about the yogurt company. That story again, a combination of bacteria and fermented milk apologized to yogurt.

4. Roger Ailes, the former head of Fox News, died yesterday at the age of 77. That story again, someone finally found the last horcrux.

5. Roger Ailes, the former head of Fox News, died yesterday at the age of 77. Ailes left his fingerprints all over cable news and most of the female newscasters as well.

6. Roger Ailes, the former head of Fox News, died yesterday at the age of 77. He died doing what he loved, getting rid of people who got too old.

7. Pepsi announced a new cinnamon-flavored soda called Pepsi Fire that will be in stores nationwide next week. Begging the question, is Dr. Pepper gonna have to cut a bitch?

8. A study has proved almost 50 percent of people keep their snacking habits in the workplace a secret. So I guess my officemate who eats with his mouth open is part of the other 50 percent.

9. Country singer Toby Keith will put on a ‘men-only’ performance in Saudi Arabia to celebrate President Trump’s visit next week. Which goes against everything I’ve ever learned about Arab countries, I thought they were into punishing women.

10. Former president George W. Bush attended a Texas Rangers baseball game Wednesday evening and photobombed a reporter while she was live on TV. Then he just stood behind her for the rest of the report after the photobomb because he didn’t have a good exit strategy.

11. Wednesday, President Trump gave the commencement speech at the Coast Guard Academy where he said, “You will find that things happen to you that you do not deserve.” Adding, “But if the person doing those things to you is a star, you just have to let them.”

12. Professional football player Antonio Cromartie is set to have his third child since his vasectomy and his thirteenth overall. “Dude, relax,” said Octomom.

13. According to a new study, women want a partner that looks like their brother. “Yeah, looks like,” said a very nervous Princess Leia.

14. In response to whether the Senate could pass the new healthcare bill and swear-in a new head of the FBI, Senator Marco Rubio said, “We should be able to walk, chew gum and confirm an FBI director at the same time.” Says the guy who literally could not stand and drink water at the same time:

15. A New York man set a new world record by extinguishing more than 30 matches with his tongue in a minute. He wasn’t trying to set a record, it was actually doctor prescribed, he used to date Paris Hilton.

16. According to reports, President Trump is expected to have an entourage of over 1,000 people when he makes his first international trip next week. That story again, President Trump personally invited everyone who attended his inauguration to go to Israel with him.

17. President Trump threatened Friday morning to end White House press briefings, arguing that “it is not possible” for his staff to speak with “perfect accuracy” to the American people. Even worse, Sean Spicer can’t get his old job back because the position has already been filled:

18. FBI agents are updating their Facebook profiles to pictures of ousted FBI Director James Comey as a sign of solidarity. While Comey himself is updating his LinkedIn profile.

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