July 19, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Germany is planning new legislation to require manufacturers of cars equipped with autopilot to install a black box to help determine responsibility in the event of an accident. As opposed to every car crash Billy Joel has ever been in which are always caused by a black box:
jack daniels

2. According to a new study, radiologists don’t agree on what qualifies as “dense breasts.” But they do agree that they need to keep studying the issue, and then they high-fived each other.

3. Last night presidential candidate Donald Trump made a surprise appearance at the Republican National Convention to introduce his wife Melanie. Although, it may have been a misstep to introduce her as “the next First Lady of the United States and my wife, for now, Melanie Trump.”

4. According to new pictures, former President George W. Bush has dyed his hair brown. The last time Bush had that much brown die on his hands, Katrina was hitting Louisiana.

5. House of Representatives Speaker Paul Ryan welcomed Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s choice of Mike Pence as a running mate on Friday, saying the Indiana governor comes from “the heart of the conservative movement.” While also noting that Trump himself comes from a different part of the body.

6. A former US intelligence director has revealed that laptops seized from ISIS fighters are filled up to 80% with pornography. Even more proof that we’re not so different, most of the pornographic material was contained in files named “death to the infidels stuff.”

7. An elderly couple in California say their grandson scammed them out of their home. Said the grandparents, “Now I kinda wish he didn’t call so often.”

8. Over the weekend, it was announced that actor Alden Ehrenreich will play young Han Solo in the next ‘Star Wars’ film. In addition, Seth Rogen will play a young Chewbacca.

9. An image of a mug for the University of North Texas, for sale in the school store, has gone viral because it appears to spell out the c-word. Even worse, the store was sued for copyright infringement by the gift shop for Hillary Clinton’s campaign.

10. A nursing home has created a dating app called G-Date, short for grandparent date, to help its residents develop relationships. And, much like Tinder, people put out on the first date because, at their age, they’re not assured of a second one.

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