July 20, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. It appears that large portions of Melania Trump’s Monday night speech to the Republican National Convention were lifted from Michelle Obama’s 2008 Convention speech. So, maybe Donald Trump has a point, immigrants are lazy.

2. An episode of Nickelodeon’s cartoon “The Loud House” will introduce a same-sex married couple this month, thus making history by becoming the first children’ show to feature a married gay couple. Said a visibly irritated Ernie to Bert.

3. According to the ‘New York Post,’ Bill Cosby is now completely blind and practically homebound. But, on the plus side, chicks love dogs:
dog

4. Nearly a dozen staffers from the California Republican party, staying at a hotel in Ohio for the Convention, have developed severe gastrointestinal symptoms that could be Norovirus. Or, more likely, the reality of the whole thing is beginning to sink in.

5. RNC communications director Sean Spicer appeared on CNN yesterday to defend Melania Trump by comparing bits of her speech to phrases that have been used by other big names, including Twilight Sparkle from “My Little Pony.” “I knew that speech sounded familiar,” said Joe Biden.

6. On Tuesday, Donald Trump said he doesn’t plan to fire anybody or take disciplinary action over the controversy surrounding Melania’s plagiarism of a Michelle Obama speech. “But, just to be safe, I’ll wait by my phone,” said Trump’s divorce attorney.

7. Yesterday Wright State University announced that it will not host the presidential debate scheduled to take place on its campus in September, thus causing the debate to be moved to Hofstra University. Thus solidifying Hofstra’s reputation as the ultimate safety school.

8. In a recent interview, Republican Vice Presidential candidate Mike Pence said Donald Trump reminds him of Ronald Reagan. But, I assume, that’s because Trump’s speech writers have been plagiarizing old Reagan speeches.

9. World Wrestling Entertainment was sued on Monday by Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka seeking to hold it responsible for neurological injuries he claims to have suffered while participating in WWE matches. Said Mr Superfly, “I had no idea I was doing myself permanent damage when I was getting hit in the head with a steel chair.”

10. A Pennsylvania mother and her friend have been accused of driving with the woman’s two young children stuffed in the trunk of a red Corvette. “That’s despicable, you’ll ruin a perfectly good Corvette that way,” said Casey Anthony.

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