July 18, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. A prominent Republican strategist recently told website Politico that he “would rather attend the public hanging of a good friend” than go to this week’s Republican National Convention. Said Trump, “If you’re friend is a Muslim, a Mexican or a woman it doesn’t have to be two separate events.”

2. During Sunday night’s Kids Choice Sports Awards, Kobe Bryant was given the Legend prize and then immediately covered in gold slime. And, as everyone knows, there are only two ways to be covered in golden slime, win the Legend prize or bring Donald Trump to climax.

3. The United States Anti-Doping Agency has informed MMA fighter Brock Lesnar of a potential anti-doping violation stemming from a failed drug test. And I’m not saying he’s guilty, but the guy who broke the news to Lesnar was found torn in half.

4. On Saturday, golf analyst David Feherty walked around the third round of the British Open in Scotland wearing a kilt. And, to make matters worse, Tiger Woods kept hitting on him.

5. An elderly couple in California say their grandson scammed them out of their home. But, on the plus side, now they can brag to all their friends that their grandson owns his own house.

6. In a wedding in Pennsylvania over the weekend, the bride’s 75-year-old grandmother and the groom’s 74-year-old grandmother served as co-flower girls. “Those bitches,” said the bride’s four-year-old niece.

7. On Friday, University of Michigan head coach Jim Harbaugh revealed that NBA hall-of-famer Michael Jordan will serve as the Wolverines’ honorary captain for this season’s opener. Said the 18-year-olds on the team, “You mean that guy from the crying meme also plays basketball?”

8. On Saturday, while announcing his running mate, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said, “Indiana Governor Mike Pence was my first choice.” And I’m not sure how much I believe him because he also said the same thing about Melania.

9. During an interview that aired on Sunday’s “60 Minutes,” Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said, “I think I’m much more humble than you would understand.” Proving that sometimes I don’t even need to write a fucking punchline.

10. The initial Trump/Pence logo unveiled on Friday was officially dropped after one long day of ridicule. Wow, that was fast, it took Jeb months of ridicule before he dropped out.

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