August 19, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump tweeted “They will soon be calling me MR. BREXIT!” Proving that things have gotten so bad that even Donald Trump is distancing himself from the Trump name.

2. Thursday morning, a naked statue of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump appeared in the middle of New York City’s Union Square. The anonymous artist named the piece, “Poor Melania.”

3. Thursday morning, a naked statue of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump appeared in the middle of New York City’s Union Square. Thus proving his pole numbers are indeed quite small.

4. A zebra born this week in a zoo in Toronto has been named ‘Rey’ after the ‘Star Wars’ character. “Just be happy you weren’t born sixteen years ago,” said zoo’s giraffe named ‘Jar-Jar Binks.’

5. A 120-year-old Hindu monk named Swami Sivananda says the key to his long life has been daily yoga and a vow of celibacy. Luckily, when you’re celibate, being very flexible comes in handy.

6. Researchers at Stanford have developed a satellite map that can predict poverty around the world. So now, the two things you can see from space are the Great Wall of China and Detroit.

7. A postal worker in Florida was caught on camera dumping mail into a dumpster. But, to be fair, that’s where most things you have to read end up in Florida anyway.

8. This week it was reported that former head of Fox News Roger Ailes is helping Republican nominee Donald Trump prepare for the upcoming presidential debates. Which I assume means helping Trump come up with playful negs just in case Megyn Kelly is the moderator.

9. A Texas man was charged with assault with a deadly weapon and unlawful restraint for allegedly holding his girlfriend hostage with a spatula. So, I’m guessing she’s not much of a cook?

10. A man in Raleigh is fed up after a car crashed into his house for the sixth time. In an effort to sell it, the man has put up a sign reading “Hey Billy Joel, if you lived here, you’d be home by now.”

11. After finishing fourth in the women’s 4×100 meter relay on Sunday, Chinese swimmer Fu Yuanhui said she didn’t swim well because she was on her period. “You take enough testosterone and you’ll never have to worry about your period ever again,” said the Russian swimmers.

12. A 23-year-old North Dakota man faces felony charges after he allegedly struggled with police while naked and grabbed the officer below the belt. Afterwhich, the officer read the man his Miranda rights in a much higher voice than normal.

13. While talking about Donald Trump, Vice President Joe Biden said the Republican president nominee “would have loved Stalin.” Said Trump, “Why, did he say something nice about me?”

14. An Israeli man claims that a Chilean border official drew a penis on his passport. But the official drew a picture of a really small penis, so now it just looks like the man went to China.

15. KFC is now licensed to sell marijuana in its Canadian stores. Not to be outdone, this guy will sell you an eight-ball:
burger-king
 
16. A Cuban cigar maker broke his own record on Friday by rolling the world’s longest cigar at 295 feet or the length of a regulation soccer field. A story that Bill undoubtedly forwarded to Monica.

17. Police are on the lookout for a man who allegedly stole a $60 penis pump from a sex shop in Australia. Because the only thing more shameful than stealing a penis pump is buying one.

18. A man in Australia is set to testify in court against his wife and her teenage daughter, who are accused of attempting to murder him with poisoned meatballs. “I think I may have a lawsuit on my hands,” said everyone who has ever eaten at Guy Fieri’s restaurant.

19. The creator of the hit TV series “Homeland” said the president in the show’s next season is part Donald Trump and part Hillary Clinton. So it’s a pumpkin dressed in a pantsuit?

20. Olympic medics accidentally dropped French gymnast Samir Ait Said while trying to carry him off the floor after he broke his leg vaulting. It was the second landing Ait Said failed to stick that day.

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