January 13, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Peter R. Rose, a Brooklyn police captain, apologized for remarks he made contrasting date rape with “true stranger rapes,” which he called “the troubling ones.” Staking a strong claim for worst guy named Pete Rose.

2. It is being reported that the folders displayed at Donald Trump’s press conference on Tuesday that supposedly were full of signed contracts turning his business over to his sons were actually blank sheets of paper. But, in Trump’s defense, maybe he just got the folders containing the contracts and the folders containing his plan to replace Obamacare mixed up.

3. Yesterday, President-elect Donald Trump tweeted out praise for clothing company L.L. Bean. And, I think I figured why Trump is such a big fan of L.L. Bean:

4. Filmmaker George Lucas plans to open the Museum of Narrative Art in Los Angeles to showcase his collection of fine and popular art. No word on what he plans to do with his not so popular art:

5. Yesterday, President Obama surprised Vice President Joe Biden by holding a press conference in the West Wing to award him the Presidential Medal of Freedom, even doing the honor of placing the award around Biden’s neck. The last time a president gave a co-worker a necklace in the White House, Bill gave it to Monica and the necklace was ‘pearl.’

6. French far-right presidential candidate Marine Le Pen was seen at Trump Tower on Thursday, but a spokesman for President-elect Donald Trump said she did not meet with him. Which can only mean one thing, there’s no tape of Trump peeing on French prostitutes.

7. Nancy Holten, a 42-year-old vegan woman who has lived in Switzerland for 30 years, has twice had her application for Swiss citizenship rejected because annoyed locals object to her “loud” opinions about animal rights. And you know she’s really bad when a country famous for staying neutral and avoiding conflict speaks up to say “I can’t stand this bitch.”

8. A mother in Louisiana said she is done having children after giving birth to a 14-pound baby. Other things she also done doing include sitting, walking and riding a bike.

9. A mother in Louisiana said she is done having children after giving birth to a 14-pound baby. But, on the plus side, her gynecologist has taken up spelunking.

10. The online classified advertising site Backpage.com abruptly shut its “adult” section on Monday, yielding to a campaign by state and federal government officials to close a service they contend promotes prostitution. So now, your mom will have to look for a new job.

11. A new study suggests that men who eat lots of red meat are much more likely to have bowel problems, pain and nausea than their peers who stick mainly with fish. But that’s just because Chipotle doesn’t sell fish.

12. A high-ranking Cardinal has complained after a McDonalds restaurant opened on Vatican owned property earlier this month, saying, “It would be better to use those spaces to help the needy of the area, spaces for hospitality, shelter and help for those who suffer.” Thus proving the Cardinal has never been to a McDonalds after 10PM.

13. According to a new study, kids born to obese parents may be more likely to experience certain developmental delays early in childhood. The study was conducted by watching one episode of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.”

14. Scientists have observed Darwin bark spiders giving each other oral sex. Which can mean only one thing, Darwin bark spiders don’t get married.

15. Every Sunday night in Washington D.C. 84-year-old Alice Donahue fronts a rock band called “Granny and the Boys.” Which is a great back up plan if you can’t get tickets to the Rolling Stones.

16. Rappers Chris Brown and Soulja Boy have decided to settle their latest ‘beef’ with a pay-per-view boxing match. I just hope, not matter who wins, they both get brain damage.

17. A new study has determined that a regular afternoon nap can help preserve and improve one’s memory. “If that’s true, I’m screwed,” said Bill Cosby.

18. On Sunday, Pope Francis encouraged women attending a baptism ceremony in the Sistine Chapel to feel free to breastfeed their children in the church. Said one man in attendance, “See, sometimes prayer does work.”

19. Over the weekend, Google unveiled it’s newest breakthrough, a self-driving minivan. Which is brilliant because no one wants to be seen driving a minivan.

20. The bathrooms at Toyko’s Nartia International Airport now offers toilet paper specifically designed to clean travelers’ smartphones. “Yeah, I’m gonna need something stronger than that,” said Anthony Weiner.

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