December 5, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Merriam-Webster dictionary said, as of right now, the word of the year for 2016, which is based on number of lookups, is ‘fascism.’ Presumably because ‘WHATTHEFUCKISGOINGON!?!’ isn’t a real word.

2. Over the weekend, Walt Disney World announced that it’s Spaceship Earth ride will be converted into a model of the Death Star from ‘Star Wars.’ But that’s still not the scariest update to a Disney attraction:

3. The oldest-known survivor of the attack on Pearl Harbor returned to Hawaii over the weekend to commemorate the event’s 75th anniversary. Although, in retrospect, it was probably a bad idea to make the anniversary party a surprise party.

4. A Muslim-American comedian who encountered Eric Trump on a plane, said Trump’s son assured him that his father, the President-elect, would not push for a Muslim registry. Eric said he would be happy to provide his assurance in writing, like in a letter, if the comedian would just give him his name, address, date of birth, and social security number.

5. An energy company in England determined that the Death Star in ‘Star Wars’ would cost $7.7 octillion per day to operate. Which explains the original line: “Luke, I am your father, can I borrow a couple of bucks?”

6. According to reports, comedian Amy Schumer is in talks to star in a live-action Barbie movie. As a result, Mattel has released a new Dreamhouse that is just an exact replica of the University of Wisconsin Sigma Chi fraternity house.

7. The New England Patriots placed tight end Rob Gronkowski on injured reserve on Saturday, ending his season one day after he underwent surgery to repair a herniated disk. But, on the plus side, at least the reasons that Patriot tight ends are missing the rest of the season are getting better:

8. The price of the Make America Great Again Christmas tree ornament being sold on Donald Trump’s website has been lowered from $149 to $99. Because if Trump is good at anything, it’s lowering things like standards and expectations.

9. A coffee shop that uses sex robots to give customers oral sex is set to open in London this week. Wait, it hasn’t opened yet? Looks like I have some apologies to make to some employees at a British Starbucks.

10. A new app has launched that helps people identify which businesses are owned by Donald Trump so they can boycott them. Although, not knowing which businesses are owned by Trump never seemed like a huge problem:

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