January 23, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Prime Minister Theresa May promised on Sunday to challenge any “unacceptable” talk when she meets President Donald Trump later this week. And she might have her work cut out for her since the meeting is scheduled to take place on the Access Hollywood bus.

2. Political rival Hillary Clinton said she attended President Donald Trump inauguration on Friday to “honor democracy.” Because what better way to honor democracy than to attend it’s funeral.

3. President Donald Trump’s speech on Friday marked the first time the words “bleed,” “carnage,” “tombstones” and “sad” were ever used in an inauguration speech. And, hopefully, it also marked the last time the words “Donald,” “J,” and “Trump” were ever used in an inauguration speech.

4. Former President George H.W. Bush, who has spent nearly a week at a Houston hospital where he is being treated for pneumonia, watched the inauguration of President Donald Trump from the intensive care unit. Reportedly, after watching Trump’s speech, Bush said, “Just unplug it.”

5. The day after his swearing-in, President Donald Trump attended an interfaith prayer service at the Washington National Cathedral. It was a nice break for Trump to hear people around him say, “Dear, God,” instead of “Dear God!”

6. According to reports, President Donald Trump has added gold couches to the White House Oval Office. Or, more likely, he let a few Russian hookers loose on some previously white couches.

7. Despite reports that only 250,000 people showed up to Friday’s inauguration, President Donald Trump said from his perspective it looked like a million and a half. No surprise that a millionaire who constantly mistakes himself for a billionaire is not great at counting.

8. Over the weekend, the world got a preview of President Donald Trump’s new 2017 Cadillac presidential limousine sporting a new license plate the bears the number “1”. Which is both how Trump feels about himself and what he tells Russian prostitutes to do.

9. McDonald’s announced that they are offering two new versions of their classic Big Mac. So, now the coroner will have to be more specific on cause of death.

10. Britain’s police watchdog is conducting an investigation after officers were filmed firing a stun-gun at their own black race relations adviser who they apparently mistook for a wanted suspect. But, on the plus-side, it sounds like that guy has pretty good job security.

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