February 8, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Former President Barack Obama was spotted kite-surfing in the Caribbean. Which is like stalking your ex on Facebook only to find out he’s completely moved on and is doing much better without you.

2. A South Carolina woman is accused of cutting a man’s throat before going on a verbal tirade in which she claimed to control President Donald Trump and referred to herself as Jesus Christ. And, yet despite all this, yesterday, she was confirmed as Secretary of Education. Congrats Betsy.

3. In a recent interview, actress Lena Dunham blamed her recently weight loss on her inability to eat after Donald Trump’s election. Alright, but that still doesn’t explain why Kellyanne Conway looks so terrible.

4. A group of good samaritans dressed as giraffes took down a fleeing shoplifter over the weekend in Britain. The shoplifter said next time he’ll come better prepared:

5. On Monday, while talking about the current political climate, Democratic Senator and House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi mistakenly referred to the President as “President Bush.” Pelosi caught her mistake and quickly corrected it by saying “President Bannon.”

6. According to researchers, the Statue of Liberty was originally conceived to be an Egyptian peasant, meaning she is most likely Muslim. Which explains why she’s spent the past 130 years in New York harbor and has never set foot on dry land.

7. Singer Madonna has been granted permission to adopt two more children from Malawi after the impoverished African nation’s High Court gave its approval. Said the judge, “Please pick me!”

8. A mother is pressing charges against a daycare worker she says was caught on surveillance video breastfeeding her child without her permission. “Why can’t you just be cool about this?” said the woman’s fifteen year-old son.

9. Actress Rosie O’Donnell took to Twitter on Tuesday to state her desire to play Donald Trump’s chief strategist Steve Bannon on ‘Saturday Night Live.’ Although, I don’t know why SNL would opt for Rosie when they already have the real Bannon playing himself:

10. An Illinois-based dog food company was forced to recall its product after it was discovered to contain a euthanasia drug. So, I guess Fido isn’t as good at ‘playing’ dead as you thought.

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