January 20, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Madame Tussauds waxwork museum in London announced last week that it had removed figures of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle from their royal exhibit. The last time a room full of royals cleared out that quickly the Queen ripped a mean one. 

2. Actress Gwyneth Paltrow is selling a candle that she claims smells like her vagina. And if you purchase that candle you can expect to hear a lot of questions like ‘Why did you buy this?’ and ‘How did this happen?’ and ‘Are you cooking fish?’ 

3. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. So, yeah, that’s not a spit bucket. 

4. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. Begging the question, who is my thirteen-year-old nephew training to fight? 

5. Five California mountain lions were seen together on home surveillance video this week. It’s the most disturbing grouping of large cats since:

6. A German Shepherd in North Carolina gave birth to a green puppy last week. “I know what you’re thinking,” said the family’s pet turtle. 

7. Chris Beart, the rapper who cut off his own penis before jumping off a two-story building in 2014, recently got married. Said the groomsman who disapproved of the marriage, “This is going to be the second worst decision you’ve ever made.”

8. A new study found no strong evidence linking baby powder to ovarian cancer. Great news for LeBron James’ ovaries:

9. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced last week that they will be “stepping back” from their role as royals, moving to America, and “will work to become financially independent.” That story again, Harry will be answering to a new King:

10. Last week, a Florida man pled guilty to a trafficking scheme in which live water monitor lizards were concealed inside electronic equipment and smuggled from the Philippines into the U.S. Which explains why my fax machine just ate my cat.

11. Police in Florida are seeking help locating a burglar who broke into a house and told the owners he was “there to suck toes.” That story again, Quentin Tarantino is apparently scouting filming locations in Florida.

12. Scientists recently conducted a study in which they put 3D glasses on cuttlefish and showed them film clips. The study found that if you put 3D glasses on cuttlefish for a long enough period you’ll lose your job as a scientist.

13. Last week, Georgia authorities say a man broke into a Taco Bell restaurant, prepared food, and took a nap inside. The man made a meal and took a nap or, as President Trump refers to it, a full workday.

14. According to a new study, older people who frequent art galleries and museums and attend the theater may live longer than those who don’t. “Strongly disagree?” said the ghost of Lincoln.

15. It was revealed this week that the New York Public Library’s most checked-out book of all time is the children’s book “The Snowy Day.” While the Library’s least checked-out book, “The Erotic Tales of Wilford Brimley.”

16. Monday night, the LSU Tigers beat the Clemson Tigers 42-25 to win the college football National Championship. It’s the first time a tiger beat itself since:

17. According to a new study, Mars is losing water quicker than expected. That story again, Mars is still more inhabitable than Flint, Michigan.

18. On Monday, the Cleveland Browns named Kevin Stefanski their new head coach because, I assume, he was the last one to say ‘Not it.’

19. A Florida woman was arrested this week for building a bomb in a Walmart from items she found in the store. So, just one item?:

20. Last week, a man asked a court to grant his motion for trial by combat so he can meet his ex-wife and her attorney “on the field of battle.” “Hey at least I asked the court ahead of time this time,” said O.J.

May 20, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. A 1986 “Rabbit” sculpture by artist Jeff Koons sold for $91.1 million  on Wednesday. It’s the most money someone’s paid for a bunny since:

2. Kris and Kourtney Kardashian took a break from shooting their reality show to unveil wax figures of themselves at Madame Tussaud’s on Thursday. Luckily Rob Kardashian didn’t have to take a break as he happened to be working that shift at Madame Tussaud’s. 

3. This week, Mr. Ratburn from the children’s show “Arthur” came out as gay and got married to another man in the show’s 22nd season premiere. So your move Squidward:

4. This week, the children’s cartoon “Arthur” gained attention yesterday for airing an episode featuring a character’s gay wedding. So if you thought Bert was mad a Ernie for dragging his feet before.

5. Actor Bruce Willis was booed by an entire baseball stadium Wednesday when he bounced the ceremonial first pitch before a Phillies game. Willis hasn’t disappointed a crowd of that size since “The Return of Bruno”:

6. According to a new study, British people get drunk more than any other nationality. Which makes sense, because if you were British you would try to forget that you’re responsible for Piers Morgan too.

7. On Thursday President Trump revealed a plan for a new merit-based immigration system. And there is no question in my mind how he thinks that will work:

8. According to a new study, penis extension surgery doesn’t work. And just like that, Porsche salesmen everywhere rest easy.

9. Lions Gates Entertainment offered to sell cable channel Starz to CBS Corp for $5.5 billion. Man, at $29.99 per month, I thought I overpaid for Starz.

10.  Actress Felicity Huffman tearfully pleaded guilty in a federal court on Monday to paying to rig a college entrance exam for her daughter. The judge said he knew her tears were heartfelt because she saw ‘Georgia Rule’ and know she’s not that good of an actress.

April 27, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Queen Elizabeth attended a concert featuring Sting and Kylie Minogue to celebrate her 92nd birthday. And, I think she liked it:

2. According to ‘The Wall Street Journal,’ President Trump will not be willing to offer North Korea sanctions relief before Pyongyang has dismantled its nuclear programs. Said Kim Jong Un, “What about now?”:

3. NBA star Steph Curry has signed a multi-year film and television deal with Sony Pictures Entertainment. Not to be outdone, New York Knick starting center Ends Kanter just signed a deal with Netflix to get two DVDs a month for $5.99.

4. To celebrate Earth Day on Monday, President Trump planted a tree at the White House. And also in celebration Earth Day, EPA director Scott Pruitt immediately cut it down.

5. This week, White House physician Ronny Jackson was accused of drinking on the job. Even crazier, Trump has been dead sober this whole time:

6. A candidate for an Iraqi Parliament seat has dropped her run for office amid a swirl of attention over what she asserts is a “fabricated” sex tape that went viral across Iraq. Even crazier, Billy Bush is in it.

7. President Trump said Saturday that he is considering granting a posthumous pardon to boxer Jack Johnson on the advice of actor Sylvester Stallone. The craziest part of the story is that it contains two boxers, and yet Trump is still the one with the most brain damage?

8. On Wednesday, in response to recent allegations, former-nominee to lead the Veterans Affairs department, Dr. Ronny Jackson said he had not wrecked a car. But, to be fair, Billy Joel also hasn’t wrecked a car.

9. On Tuesday, President Trump called North Korean leader Kim Jong Un “an honorable man.” Because when you surround yourself with the likes of Steve Bannon and Stephen Miller, a tiny, power-hungry dictator who executes family members seems “honorable.”

10. A soldier wounded by an improvised explosive device in Afghanistan has received the world’s first complete penis and scrotum transplant and he is doing fine. Although, just to be safe maybe don’t use the term ‘blow job’ around him.

11. A soldier wounded by an improvised explosive device in Afghanistan has received the world’s first complete penis and scrotum transplant. “Oh, so that’s where those went,” said Caitlyn Jenner.

12. On Thursday, President Trump’s nominee to head the Department of Veteran Affairs, Dr. Ronnie Jackson, withdrew his nomination. So, say hello to your next Secretary of Veteran Affairs:

13. An Australian company has introduced a line of Avengers-themed sex toys. The toys are designed to be used alone or … oh, who are we kidding, they’re going to be used alone.

14. On Wednesday, Donald Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen, said, “based upon the advice of counsel, I will assert my Fifth Amendment rights” regarding his involvement in a hush money paid to porn star Stormy Daniels. Smart advice by counsel, which can only mean one thing, Cohen is not representing himself.

15. WhatsApp, the popular messaging service, is raising its minimum age from 13 to 16. “Sounds like I just lost another endorsement deal,” said Jared Fogel.

16. A first edition of John James Audubon’s “The Birds of America” is going up for auction in New York and could fetch up to $12 million. Which my seem like a high price tag, but you have to remember it combines all the excitement of bird-watching with books!

17. This week, former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer made an appearance at New York City’s Madame Tussauds to unveil a new wax likeness of Melania Trump. And when he didn’t want to answer questions, he managed to hide behind some bushes:

18. On Thursday, President Trump admitted on Fox News that he’s been too busy to get a birthday gift for his wife, first lady Melania Trump. Yeah, ‘busy’ is definitely the right word:

19. President Donald Trump on Thursday said he is considering five locations for his meeting with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. I would have guessed he would be open to more than five locations:

20. A man in Paris is the first person in the world to successfully receive two face transplants. “First? Really?” said Nic Cage as John Travolta:

September 22, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said on Wednesday he would consider using “stop-and-frisk” policing methods to cut crime if elected. The person he’d put in charge, you guessed it, Roger Ailes.

2. London’s Madame Tussauds museum said on Wednesday it had separated its wax figure replicas of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt after the Hollywood power couple announced their split. No word on which figure got custody of the wax replica of Webster.
 
3. On Wednesday, the Trump campaign started selling “Make America Great Again” sweatbands. Sweatbands, which were popular in the 80’s, harken back to a simple, happier time when there was no ISIS, Zika didn’t exist, and Donald Trump wasn’t running for president.

4. Yesterday, South Korea confirmed that it has a military plan to remove North Korea’s Kim Jong Un from power. The plan consists of leaving a trail of donuts that lead directly into the sea.

5. In a recent interview, rapper The Game revealed that he’s slept with Blac Chyna and both Kim and Khloe Kardashian. So, I guess in this instance, you can hate both the player and The Game.

6. The Duggar family from TLC’s “19 Kids and Counting” is adopting a twentieth child. Unfortunately they’ll have to come up with a new name for the show because “20 Kids and Counting” is already the title to Jared Fogel’s autobiography.

7. Last week, a New York assemblyman who killed himself won re-election despite being dead. So, that’s one option, Donald.

8. A pair of Crocs retailing at $150 debuted at London Fashion week on Wednesday. Because if you live in England why should your teeth be the only part of your body that looks terrible.

9. Last week, Blac Chyna said she plans to eat her placenta after giving birth. Yet another reason for me to never learn who Blac Chyna is.

10. A Florida man was found guilty on Friday of attempted murder for shooting at George Zimmerman during a roadside confrontation earlier this year. Said the judge, “It’s really the ‘attempted’ part that makes me the most angry.”

April 3, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Actor Matthew McConaughey is reportedly getting paid $135,000 to speak at the University of Houston. No word on how much they’ll have to pay him to get him to shut up.

2. Gary Dahl, the inventor of the pet rock, died yesterday. He is survived by a lot of very disappointed kids.

3. According to cyber security experts, HillaryClinton.org, a website that is not affiliated with the likely 2016 presidential candidate, contains malicious software that will infect all visitors. Said Bill, “It may not be affiliated with her, but it’s a pretty accurate representation of knowing her.”

4. The 13 large, illuminated letters that read “Yankee Stadium” and sat atop the house that Ruth built in New York failed to sell at auction on Thursday after not reaching the minimum price of $300,000. No surprise, the Yankees have a habit of overvaluing old and useless junk, right A-Rod?

5. Singer Pharrell Williams visited his new wax statue at Madame Tussaud’s in New York City yesterday. Pharrell also stopped by the wax figurine of fellow Voice castmast Cee-Lo, which, it turned out, was actually an oversized statue the brown M&M.

6. According to a new report, Facebook’s software can track users even after they quit the social media site. Even creepier, a month after quitting, Facebook shows up outside your bedroom window, holding a boombox over its head, blaring Peter Gabriel.

7. According to a new report, Facebook’s software can track users even after they quit the social media site. Which is ironic, because most people use Facebook to track an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend after they called it quits.

8. On Thursday, online home-rental marketplace AirBnB announced that it is now offering properties for rent in Cuba. As a result, they have changed their name to RaftBnB.

9. A new guide for airport security urges TSA agents to look for whistling, recently shaved beards and excessive yawning. Which is bad news for the Seven Dwarfs, especially Sleepy.

10. According to a new study, older men who exercise more have better erectile function. This according to that creepy old dude at your gym who hangs out around the elliptical machine.

11. Misao Okawa, the world’s oldest person, died at the age of 117 on Wednesday. Her last words were reportedly, “Finally.”

12. A small pizza shop in Indiana told a local TV station that it will support the state’s recently passed religion law by refusing to cater gay weddings. Which is kinda like Steven Seagal saying he would refuse to accept an Oscar.

13. According to a new study, children who had sipped alcohol by the sixth grade were five times more likely to have a full drink by the time they were in high school. Said drunk teenagers, “Joke’s on you, I didn’t even make it to high school.”

14. On Friday, NBC announced that it’s bringing back the 90s sitcom ‘Coach.’ “I have a few possible storylines, if anyone’s interested,” said Jerry Sandusky.

February 14, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Today is Valentine’s Day. So if this is the first time you’re hearing about this, you’re screwed.

2. DNA of a boy buried in Montana 12,600 years ago, indicates his ancestors came from Asia, supporting the idea of an ancient migration to the Americas by way of a land bridge. That, or his mom REALLY got around.

3. Justin Bieber’s wax statue at the Madame Tussauds in Time Square was forced into early retirement due to wear-and-tear from “excessive groping.” In related news, the wax figurine of Joy Behar is still in pristine condition.

4. On Thursday, Sheriff Scott Berry of Oconee County in Georgia officially canceled Valentine’s Day due to the most recent winter storm, declaring northern Georgia a “NO VALENTINES DAY ZONE.” “He tries to pull this crap every year,” said Mrs. Berry.

5. On Thursday, the SyFy Channel announced that Mark McGrath, Kelly Osbourne and Andy Dick will all appear in “Sharknado 2.” So, let’s go sharks!

6. Facebook has recently changed its interface, now providing users 50 different gender options when filling out their profile page. Included in these options are “male,” “female,” “transgender,” and “Bruce Jenner.”

7. On Thursday it was announced that the next season of Lucasfilm’s animated tv series “Star Wars: The Clone Wars” will be available exclusively on Netflix. “That’s a perfect marriage,” said nerds everywhere, “it combines my two favorites things; Star Wars and avoiding human interaction.”

8. Canada is ending a decades-old investor program that had allowed scores of wealthy Chinese to move to the country over the years. Said Canadian officials, “We have all the dry cleaning stores we need right now, thank you.”

9. Eight Corvettes fell into a sinkhole that opened in Kentucky on Wednesday. I guess that mid-life crisis, was more of an end-of-life crisis.

10. Wednesday, Yankee shortstop and future Hall-of-Famer Derek Jeter announced that this upcoming baseball season will be his last. “It’s nice that he got to announce his own retirement,” said A-Rod.

11. Florida state legislators introduced bills on Monday to legalize the use of medical marijuana in the state. Begging the question, there are laws in Florida?

12. In a recent interview, former presidential candidate Mitt Romney said he believes the 2014 Sochi Olympics will be safe, despite threats of terrorism. And to show that he’s not all talk, he’s sending his champion dressage horse Rafalca, who competed in 2012 Olympics, to Russia. So if you’re in Sochi, maybe stay away from the hotdogs.

13. Yesterday, Ryan Seacrest announced that he will be coming out with a clothing line. You can pick it up at your local Baby Gap.