October 6, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new poll, 40% of Americans don’t know who either vice presidential candidate, Mike Pence or Tim Kaine, are. While the other 60% aren’t as lucky.

2. On Tuesday, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said his running Mike Pence won the “single most decisive victory” in vice presidential debate history. Which is true, because never before has a vice presidential candidate bettered his opponent and his own running mate in just one debate.

3. A Paris swimming pool on Wednesday inaugurated a new heating system that uses warmth recovered from sewers in a bid to cut costs. And here’s a picture of the pool’s first swimmer, Augustus Gloop:

4. On Wednesday, former President George W. Bush appeared in a new TV ad urging everyone, regardless of who they support. Adding, “Every vote matters, unless you live in Florida circa 2000.”

5. According to reports, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton knew the questions ahead of time before appearing on Steve Harvey’s TV show earlier this year. As opposed to the normal course of business at ‘The Steve Harvey Show’ where guests don’t know the questions even after Steve has asked them.

6. On Tuesday, actress Sarah Jessica Parker hinted that talks were underway for a third ‘Sex and the City’ movie. To hear more about this, casually bring it up in conversation with your girlfriend.

7. Iraq’s Transportation Minister, Kazem Finjan, claims “ancient aliens” built earth’s first airports 7,000 years ago in the Middle East. And, somehow, those airports are in better condition than LaGuardia.

8. A man in the U.K. has been arrested for renovating his home while naked. But, on the plus side, HGTV has given him his own show entitled “Flip and Flop.”

9. During Tuesday night’s vice presidential debate, Democratic candidate Tim Kaine said Donald Trump has a personal Mount Rushmore that includes Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong Un, Muammar Gaddafi and Saddam Hussein. Which is a ridiculous claim, because there’s no way Trump would build a monument like that and not include himself.

10. At the beginning of Tuesday night’s vice presidential debate between Mike Pence and Tim Kaine, moderator Elaine Quijano asked the audience to refrain from cheering or clapping during the proceedings. Which was not a problem, since a majority of the audience was asleep within ten minutes.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.