April 28, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. In her new tell-all book, Caitlyn Jenner said she knew that O.J. Simpson was guilty. When told of the comment, O.J., who has been in jail for the past ten years, said, “Bruce did what!?!”

2. According to a new study, exposing babies to puppies may help them accumulate two types of bacteria that are associated with a lower risk of allergies and obesity. Unless the baby is Chinese, then introducing them to dogs usually leads to obesity.

3. According to an in-depth report by ‘Esquire,’ President Trump has a button he presses to tell a butler to bring him a Coke. So there’s a greater than zero percent chance that we accidentally nuke North Korea because Trump is thirsty:

4. While speaking at the National Holocaust Museum in D.C. on Tuesday, President Trump mispronounced the word ‘Nazis.’ “That’s ridiculous, I know we covered that during our elocution lessons,” said Steve Bannon:

5. On Wednesday, Amazon unveiled a voice-controlled camera, the Echo Look, and an app that recommends which of two outfits is the best using fashion specialists and algorithms. “Um, ss there a third option?” asked Miley Cyrus’s Echo Look:

6. On Monday, astronaut Peggy Whitson set the world record for most cumulative days in outer space at 523 days. That story again, there is a woman who has spent a longer time farther away from Donald Trump than Melania.

7. In a recent interview, President Trump admitted that he only called NATO obsolete because he didn’t know much about the organization. Which explains why he constantly refers to Tiffany as ‘obsolete.’

8. According to a new report, the Secret Service does not allow President Trump to travel in his own, personal helicopter. Although, it seems like pretty good policy for Trump to avoid helicopters altogether:

9. Police in Florida were able to locate and arrest a woman with an outstanding warrant after she posted a live Facebook video feed from a local Chuck E. Cheese. Further proof that Chuck E. Cheese is a rat.

10. According to reports, U.S. Customs and Border Patrol plans to install facial recognition technology at all airports. Although there’s a chance after you fly United even a computer won’t be able to recognize you:

11. According to a new survey, both men and women agree that the C-cup is the perfect bust size. Although, someone should tell Trump it only applies to women:

12. A new survey found that 1 in 5 adults in the U.K. don’t know how to change a lightbulb or boil an egg. While 5 in 5 adults in the U.K. don’t know how to brush their teeth.

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