June 1, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, women have more sex on vacation. Although, it’s not a hard-and-fast rule:

2. White House sources say President Trump will pull the U.S. out of the Paris Climate Agreement. Not surprising that a real estate developer is in favor of creating more waterfront properties.

3. According to reports, President Trump is giving his personal cell phone number to world leaders. Ivanka, too:

4. Thieves in Washington used a blowtorch to steal from an ATM, but, in doing so, accidentally set the cash in the machine on fire. People said they haven’t seen someone light that much money on fire, that quickly, since Paramount greenlit the ‘Baywatch’ movie.

5. On Wednesday, NASA announced its first mission to fly directly into the sun’s atmosphere. Here’s a look at the press release:

6. Florists worldwide say sales of pampas grass have plummeted after rumors surfaced that people display the exotic plant in their windows to signal that swingers live in that house. Of course, if you see pampas grass and poison ivy, it means “Not now, Hillary’s home.”

7. On Tuesday, a carriage horse broke free from its restraints and went on a mad dash through rush hour traffic in New York City. Or, more likely, Sarah Jessica Parker when for a midday jog.

8. Whlie speaking at an event in Australia this week, Senator John McCain pleaded with the country to be patient with the U.S. while the new Trump administration “finds it feet.” Which could take a while because I don’t think Trump’s been able to see his feet in years:

9. Former-teacher Mary Kay Letourneau and former-student-turned-husband Vili Fualaau have filed for divorce. Fualaau’s mother called her son, “An immature kid,” while French President Emamnuel Macron called him “a trailblazer.”

10. According to CNN, President Trump is stressed out, gaining weight and realizing the job isn’t a good fit for him. Well, I’ll say this, he’s never been more relatable.

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