July 20, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, the Trump name was removed from a downtown hotel in Canada. “I didn’t realize it was that easy to take the Trump name off of something?” said President Trump eyeing Eric.

2. Frances Gabe, the creator of the only self-cleaning house, died Tuesday at the age of 101. He died doing what he loved, leaving behind a mess for someone else to clean up.

3. According to ‘People’ magazine, Donald Trump Jr. “goes to work every day and is miserable” and “can’t wait for these four years to be over.” Which is easily the most relatable Don Jr. has ever been.

4. O.J. Simpson was recently caught masturbating in his prison cell. Or, as every headline about the story should read, O.J. caught squeezing the juice.

5. It was revealed Wednesday that two new books set in the Harry Potter universe will be released in October. They’ll be similar to the previous Potter books except now, when the characters talk about “He Who Shall Not Be Named,” they have to be more specific:

6. Porn provider Pornhub reported that their site’s traffic was down 4.5% on Sunday night when HBO aired the season premiere of ‘Game of Thrones.’ That story again, nerds are terrible at multitasking.

7. According to a new poll, Hillary Clinton is still less popular than Donald Trump. What do you mean ‘still’?:

8. According to a dissident Chinese billionaire, China has over 25,000 spies in the US. “Good lord, I’m never gonna be able to secretly meet with all of them about ‘adoption’,” said Donald Trump Jr.

9. In a new interview, singer Aaron Carter said he and his brother Nick, of Backstreet Boys fame, are not on speaking terms. And, I have to say, I don’t know which one of the brothers I’m more jealous of.

10. According to a new study, one in five Americans would not be able to pay their bills within one month of losing their job. So, I hope you’ve been saving up, Sean Spicer.

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