August 3, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. At a rally this week, President Trump falsely claimed that photo ID is required to buy groceries in the U.S. Which means cashiers and Nancy O’Dell frequently tell Trump the same thing, “Sir, please put that away, I don’t need to see that.”

2. Jeremy Hunt the new British foreign secretary, made a diplomatic gaffe on Monday, calling his Chinese-born wife Japanese during talks with his counterpart in Beijing. Said Hunt, “Look, all I know is that she can’t drive worth a shit.”

3. According to ‘People’ magazine, Nick Jonas and Priyanka Chopra are engaged. So now you won’t know if a tabloid is calling Nick and Priyanka by their celebrity couple name or running a story about Jeremy Piven when they say there was a ‘Prick” sighting.

4. The former head of human resources at the FEMA, Corey Coleman, has been accused of trading sex for jobs at the agency. “So, that job is open now?” asked Harvey Weinstein.

5. Staff at the Eiffel Tower walked out on strike on Wednesday. Begging the question, how do you know an Eiffel Tower employee is ignoring your request for help because he is on strike or just bring French?

6. Bowing to pressure from China, American Airlines, Delta Air Lines and United Airlines removed references to Taiwan from maps on their websites. Not to be outdone, Malaysian Airlines did away with using maps altogether years ago.

7. Tomasz Stanko, a Polish trumpeter and prominent figure in avant-garde jazz for decades, died on Sunday at the age of 76. Thus bringing about the most welcomed moment of silence in history.

8. President Trump said on Monday he would be willing to meet Iran’s leader without preconditions, saying, “If they want to meet, we’ll meet.” “That gives me an idea,” said Robert Mueller putting on a hijab:

9. According to multiple sources, during discussions about renewable energy, President Trump more than once declared “I hate the wind.” While Eric is not a big fan of fire:

10. In a recent interview, long-time ‘Jeopardy’ host Alex Trebek hinted that he may soon retire and suggested Dan Coates as a possible replacement. Begging he question, Who is Dan Coates.

11. Scientists recently observed a mourning orca mom carrying her dead baby for days through the ocean. “She didn’t have a car trunk?” asked Casey Anthony.

12. In an upcoming episode of “Finding Your Roots,” Speaker of the House Paul Ryan learns that he is “slightly Jewish.” And, speaking as a Jew, my feelings when I found Ryan was also Jewish can be summed up in one meme:

13. President Donald Trump on Friday denied knowing about the 2016 meeting his son Donald Trump Jr. held at Trump Tower with a group of Russians. Look, I know Trump lies a lot, but him not giving a single fuck about what Don Jr. is up to seems very believable.

14. According to a new study, women are more sexually adventurous when they are trying to conceive a child. For instance, when Baron was conceived Melania agreed to have sex with Donald.

15. A mens clothing startup is set to launch an app the recommends clothing based on a guy’s Spotify playlist. Here’s what it recommends for the Coldplay listener:

16. Yane Petkov reclaimed on Tuesday the Guinness world record for swimming with his hands and feet tied while fully wrapped inside a sack. It’s cool that he set a record, but next time maybe he should just pay his bookie.

17. Over the weekend, President Donald Trump’s re-election campaign addressed rumors that it is paying Chinese manufacturers to produce campaign flags. Said the campaign staff, “Yes were are using Chinese manufacturers but, as is the Trump way, we don’t plan on paying them.”

18. According to sources, Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump are planning on staying in Washington D.C. for as long as President Trump does. So, Monday thru Thursday?:

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