April 11, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a recent poll, Bill Cosby’s “Little Bill” children’s book series is on the list of books Americans most often asked librarians to pull from shelves last year. Ironically, requesting people to “pull Little Bill” is what got Cosby into this mess to begin with.

2. In a recent interview, actor and noted Republican Stephen Baldwin said he hasn’t spoken with his brother Alec Baldwin, who impersonates President Trump on SNL, since the election. But it’s not because of differing politics but because Alec has caller ID.

3. According to a ‘New York Times’ report, White House chief strategist Steve Bannon’s world view can be traced back to a book called ‘The Fourth Turning.’ While President Trump’s world view can be traced back to whatever Steve Doocy said that morning on ‘Fox & Friends.’

4. On Monday, Tim Berners-Lee, the inventor of the World Wide Web, said the internet needs a complete rethink to prevent spying and the spread of “nasty, mean ideas” on social media. Berners-Lee said we need to get back to the original purpose of the web, connecting people to other people and then connecting those people to pornography.

5. The United States, Mexico and Canada are considering a joint bid to host the 2026 World Cup soccer tournament. That story again, Canada has agreed to be the third wheel on a date with a couple that hates each other.

6. Sunday night, United forcibly removed a passenger from an overbooked flight while fellow-passengers video taped the incident on their phones but didn’t intervene. So I guess the people in the exit row who promised to help in the event of an emergency were all fucking liars.

7. Over the weekend, President Trump accepted his Chinese counterpart Xi Jinping’s invitation to visit China. So now Trump can finally get a firsthand look at the factories that make his ties.

8. Ford has developed a prototype crib that simulates a car ride for babies that only fall asleep while in motion. “I’m pretty sure I invented that?” said Casey Anthony.

9. Airbnb has permanently banned a host who cancelled a woman’s reservation because the guest was Asian. That story again, your Vietnam vet grandfather’s unfamiliarity with technology is now only the second best reason he can’t rent out his home on Airbnb.

10. According to a new study, talking to your dog is a sign of intelligence. “Does yelling ‘Finish him!’ count?” asked Michael Vick.

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