January 6, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, it was reported that the backyard swing set bought for the President Obama’s daughters in 2009 has been removed from the White House lawn and donated to charity. But, don’t worry, Joe Biden’s treehouse still remains:

2. Scientists have found that the brain reshapes itself for years after adolescence, which raises the question of when an adult is fully mature in the eyes of the law. According to every action and statement made by our President-elect, I’m gonna guess sometime after 70.

3. President-elect Donald Trump said last week he intends to dissolve his charitable foundation, the Donald J. Trump Foundation, before taking office. So now, in the future, the term ‘Trump foundation’ will solely refer to the base level of a very bad spray tan.

4. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump wants to write his inauguration speech himself. “Speaking from experience, you might want to reconsider that,” said Melania.
 
5. By using a technique that cannot be applied to humans, scientists were able to rejuvenate the organs of mice and lengthen their life span by thirty percent. You can read more about the study in this week’s Medical Journal of Thanks for Nothing, Scientists.

6. A grieving man in China made a sex doll that is an exact replica of his dead wife, even dressing the doll in his late wife’s underwear. So, I’m guessing the cause death was suicide.

7. Last week, Michael Jackson’s daughter Paris shared a photo on Instagram of her giving her godfather Macaulay Culkin a pedicure. And I imagine if her father was around to see her touching Culkin’s feet he would say “No, higher.”

8. Over the holidays, a judge in Britain ruled that dogs should not be treated like children. “Oh, thank god,” said Casey Anthony’s schnauzer.

9. The mayor of Mobile, Alabama apologized for cutting down a tree in a public park in order to hold a Donald Trump rally. “How dare you, cutting down trees is my job now,” said Trump’s pick to head the EPA.

10. According to a new study, women do not find men with tattoos more sexually attractive. And you could see the disappointment associated with these results written all over Mike Tyson’s face.

11. Last week, a couple in Texas decided to get married after 41 years of dating. The man reportedly got down on one knee and said, “I guess.”

12. A 22-year-old Florida man, living with his parents, was arrested after police say home surveillance video caught him having sex with the family dog. Said his father, “Well that explains why we’re always out of peanut butter.”

13. A 22-year-old Florida man, living with his parents, was arrested after police say home surveillance video caught him having sex with the family dog. Although, I’m pretty sure, at this point, that’s his dog.

14. Liberty University President Jerry Falwell Jr. said watching President-elect Donald Trump assemble his cabinet has been like watching the 1992 United States men’s Olympic Dream Team being built. Which sadly means only one member of the Trump’s cabinet has AIDs.

15. Liberty University President Jerry Falwell Jr. said watching President-elect Donald Trump assemble his cabinet has been like watching the 1992 United States men’s Olympic basketball team being built. I guess I could see that if the Dream Team were twelve Christian Laettners.

16. Last week, 27-year-old singer Taylor Swift paid a World War II veteran who is a fan a surprised visit on his 96th birthday. And, in the complete opposite of that story, Madonna surprised a 27-year-old fan on her birthday.

17. Forbes named Scarlett Johansson Hollywood’s the top-grossing actor of 2016, starring in movies that grossed $1.2 billion worldwide. And, at the bottom of the list is Drew Barrymore who somehow owes Hollywood $4.6 million.

18. Last week, a federal court in Michigan, ruled that police can shoot a dog while entering a home if the animal “moves or barks” in the officer’s presence. And, just like that, Michael Vick has found his next career.

19. Robert Leo Hulseman, the inventor of the iconic red plastic Solo cup, widely used to play beer pong, died last week at the age of 84. He is survived by whoever called ‘next.’

20. According to a new survey, younger siblings generally have a lower IQ than their older brothers and sisters. Scientists refer to it as the Stephen Baldwin effect.

21. NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. wed his longtime girlfriend Saturday, with fellow driver Danica Patrick reportedly catching the bouquet. So, for once, being well behind the pack, actually paid of for Danica.

22. A organization in favor of legalizing marijuana will be giving out free joints to protestors on Inauguration Day. So when they chant “What do we want?” and “When do we want it?” they will be sincerely asking because they don’t remember.

23. The 115th Congress was sworn in on Tuesday and not one of the 535 members of the House or Senate is a proclaimed atheist. Although, after four years of Trump, I’m willing to bet a few of them will no longer believe in God.

24. A new study found that eating large amounts of cured meats was linked to asthma. And, in a related story, Chris Christie hasn’t been able to catch his breath since 1987.

25. According to new reports, more pregnant women are turning to marijuana to deal with nausea and morning sickness. Which explains the new pregnancy mantra of “Push, Push, Pass.”

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