April 5, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Scientists say new evidence reveals that the T-Rex was a sensitive lover. “Hey girl,” said this guy:

2. On Monday, the White House unveiled its official portrait of First Lady Melania Trump. Let’s take a look:

3. The Trump administration has struck down an Obama-era rule protecting hibernating bears in Alaska. Although, if bears are anything like humans, they’re not getting much sleep under this administration either.

4. According to ‘The Wall Street Journal,’ Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump are renting their Washington D.C. house for $15,000 a month. The house was on the market for $10,000 a month, but the couple let Donald negotiate for them.

5. Trump National Golf Club in Virginia was vandalized over the weekend with the intruders spray-painting “RESIST” on a fairway. Which is smart, instead of protesting at the White House, the vandals when to Trump’s office.

6. Swimmer Dana Vollmer, a five-time winner of Olympic gold who is six months pregnant, announced on social media that she will compete at a meet next month. Even more impressive, Vollmer’s unborn baby still won’t be the least mature member of the U.S. Swimming team:

7. A Chinese man broke a record last week after he moved seven cars 26 feet using nothing but his testicles. The man is a one person AAA, except, in his case, it’s pronounced “Aaaagggghhhh!!!!!”

8. A Chinese man broke a record last week after he moved seven cars 26 feet using nothing but his testicles. He towed the first car with his balls, then they hung low enough to reach the gas pedal to move the remaining six.

9. According to reports, Casey Anthony and O.J. Simpson may star in a reality TV show together. Which is a weird way to announced that “How To Get Away With Murder” has been renewed for another season.

10. In a recent interview, Ivanka Trump said she didn’t know what the word “complicit” meant. Don’t worry, Ivanka, the judge will explain it to you.

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