Monologue Jokes – March 3, 2020

1. This week McDonald’s announced that it will sell a limited edition six-pack of candles that smell like Quarter Pounder ingredients including ketchup, pickles, cheese, onion and beef. So, your move, Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina. 

2. A man in Wisconsin was arrested last week for allegedly stealing chicken wings and condoms from a Walmart. He was either planning one hell of a night or I’ve been eating chicken wings wrong. 

3. Officials at a library in California are upset after recently discovering that an adult film was shot in the building. And if they’re upset by that, maybe they shouldn’t check the library computer’s search history. 

4. Last week, a U.K. patient underwent brain surgery while playing a violin. Look, if I want to listen to a musician with a brain injury play an instrument, I’d go to a Ted Nugent concert.

5. This week, Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg revealed, that even though his mother passed away several years ago at the age of 102, he still pays for her home’s phone line so he can call and hear her voice on the answering machine. Because nothing’s more relatable with today’s electorate than needless expenses and landlines. 

6. This week, Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg revealed, that even though his mother passed away several years ago at the age of 102, he still pays for her home’s phone line so he can call and hear her voice on the answering machine. He’s also opened up a quaint bed and breakfast with her as well:

7. According to reports, former Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein was in good spirits on Tuesday, as he accepted visitors at a Manhattan hospital, despite having been convicted a day earlier of sexual assault and rape. Said an elated Weinstein, “All I have to do is press this button and legally the nurse has to give me a sponge bath.” 

8. A soccer player in France has been suspended for five years after biting the penis of an opponent during an altercation after a match. He was also given a red card for using his hands to cup the balls.

9. It was reported this week that Steven Spielberg’s daughter Mikaela is making pornographic movies. “Oh God, that’s awful. Why would anyone put that on film?” said people after watching ‘Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull.’ 

10. According to a new study, erectile dysfunction pills can permanently distort one’s vision. “His or mine?” said a very hopeful Melania.

11. Three dolphins have been shot or stabbed in Florida since May. Police have named their top suspect, a Ray Finkle: 

12. During a rally, President Donald Trump ridiculed South Korean film “Parasite” winning the Best Picture Oscar, telling a campaign rally he wished for the return of Hollywood classics like “Gone with the Wind.” And you know Trump really hated that movie if he’s taking the side of wind:

13. On Wednesday, the Broadway play “To Kill a Mockingbird” was performed at Madison Square Garden for 18,000 public school students. “Oh, thank God!” said the students once they realized they were watching a three-hour long play based on a book written in the 1950s about race relations and not the Knicks.

14. Disney has announced a new partnership with the plant-based meat company Impossible Foods to offer the Impossible Burger at their resorts and parks. “Just in time,” said Eeyore:

15. A man in Florida was recently arrested at an IHOP restaurant for allegedly asking customers if they wanted to see his genitals. “But I asked this time?!?!?!” said a very confused Louis CK.

16. Despite potentially facing more than two decades in prison, Harvey Weinstein is “not giving up on life,” according to his spokesman. “Man, this guy really is bad at taking ‘No’ for an answer,” said Life.

17. Doctors are warning that putting potatoes up your butt won’t cure hemorrhoids. So I guess it was something else that cured my hemorrhoids.

18. This week, President Trump appointed Vice President Mike Pence to lead the federal task force to get to the bottom of the coronavirus. And, in future news, the coronavirus is caused by gays.

19. According to a spokesman, after his conviction, Harvey Weinstein is going “stir crazy” sitting in his hospital room. But, in Weinstein defense, you’d be pretty stir crazy too if you were trapped in a room with just Harvey Weinstein.

October 13, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. The student Academy Awards were held on Thursday in Beverly Hills. They are just like the regular Academy Awards except to get nominated you don’t have to watch Harvey Weinstein masturbate into a potted plant.

2. This week, President Trump gave his first one-on-one interview in three months to Mike Huckabee. And, given all that, no one was under more pressure than the chairs:

3. Madison Square Garden has created a ticket package for $400,000 that includes front-row seats for 180 events, including all Knicks and Rangers games and concerts from the likes of Billy Joel and Shakira. Or, you can pay $500,000 for a package that doesn’t include Knicks games.

4. According to a new ‘Vanity Fair’ article, an increasingly frustrated President Trump has been heard saying, “I hate everyone in the White House.” Said Eric, “This is the first time I’m happy daddy makes me sleep in a tent out back”:

5. It is being reported that during the meeting that led to Secretary of State Rex Tillerson calling President Trump a ‘moron,’ Trump said he wanted to increase the U.S.’s nuclear arsenal tenfold. Which is five more folds than normal for him:

6. According to a new survey, 52% of men say they haven’t personally benefited from women having access to affordable birth control. A result that only makes sense if they somehow, accidentally polled Kevin Federline 52 times.

7. The world’s heaviest woman died this week. Luckily, it was an easy death because she had ample experience going towards the light:

8. According to a new study, half of Americans think, in the future, having sex with a robot will be normal. That story again, Ann Romney was way ahead of her time:

9. This week ‘The Times of London’ reported that ousted movie exec Harvey Weinstein once invited a British noblewoman to “jump in the bath” with him. Begging the question, just how big was that bathtub that it could fit Harvey Weinstein and another human being?

10. According to a study in the American Journal of Emergency Medicine, more than 1 million Americans injure themselves on stairs each year. Not to be outdone, 60 million Americans were fucked over by an escalator last year:

11. Vice President Mike Pence left a football game between the Indianapolis Colts and the San Francisco 49ers on Sunday after some players knelt during the National Anthem. There was also a mass exodus following the National Anthem at the Jets game, but that’s because it was announced they were playing the Browns.

12. This week, President Trump responded to reports that his Secretary of State Rex Tillerson called him “a fucking moron” by challenging him to an IQ test. IQ tests are based on verbal intelligence, mathematical ability, spatial reasoning, and, uh-oh, ability to open doors:

13. Microsoft said on Monday it was looking into whether Russians bought U.S. election ads on its Bing search engine. Oh man, if that’s true, those ads could have been seen by literally tens of people.

14. This week, Russian President Vladimir Putin received a puppy as a belated-birthday gift from the president of Turkmenistan. Said Putin, “Great, just what we need in this country, another foreigner who pees wherever he wants.”:

15. Some East African countries no longer want foreign secondhand clothing because they’re trying to manufacture their own clothing. But what those Africans really want is to meet the back-to-back-to-back-to-back Superbowl-winning Buffalo Bills teams of the early 90s.

16. A company has begun selling condoms in 60-custom-fit sizes in response to men who say they don’t like wearing prophylactics because they don’t fit properly. Said those same men to their girlfriends, “Did I also mention I’m allergic to latex?”

17. Forbes magazine, which annually ranks the world’s richest people, said they have a ‘Trump rule’ where they take whatever Trump says he’s worth and divide it by three. Completely disregarding two-thirds is an idea the magazine said they got from Trump himself:

18. Authorities say man in Minnesota lived in a house with the decomposing bodies of his mother and twin brother for over a year. But, on the plus-side ladies he’s a homeowner now.

19. White House officials believe Chief of Staff John Kelly’s personal cellphone was hacked. Even crazier, Trump’s wasn’t:

20. Grammy-winning rapper Nelly was arrested near Seattle early on Saturday after a woman accused him of sexually assaulting her on a tour bus. But we shouldn’t rush to judgment, maybe it was just locker room talk:

November 29, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. It is being reported that when Tiger Woods returns to golf first time in fifteen months this week he will be sporting a new sponsor logo on his golf bag of Monster Energy. Woods presumably picked Monster because Hooters is already sponsoring John Daly.
 
2. Donald Trump is set to become the richest American president in history. Unless, of course, he opens up another casino between now and inauguration day.

3. Yesterday, Donald Trump’s campaign manager Kellyanne Conway was serenaded in the lobby of Trump Tower by the Naked Cowboy. Or, as he will be known in a week, Secretary of State the Naked Cowboy.
 
4. According to a new study, teenage girls who get along with their mothers are more likely to wait longer to have sex. “Don’t you think Mia is kind of a bitch?” said Woody to Soon-Yi.
 
5. On Monday, New York Representative Chris Collins called Mitt Romney, a possible Secretary of State nominee, a “self-serving egomaniac.” Although, considering the man whose cabinet he’s trying to serve in, I’m not sure if that’s a criticism or an endorsement.

6. This week pornography website PornHub released its first music video. Which is great news for anyone who missed Pop-Up videos.

7. A 23-year-old man in the U.K. called a hospital due to his 17-hour long erection. But, to be fair, he was calling everybody.

8. There was a massive data breach at New York City’s Madison Square Garden last week. Hackers were able to access customers very sensitive, and in some cases embarrassing information, like the fact that some of them are Knicks season ticket holders.

9. A version of Jurassic Park featuring robotic dinosaurs is being built in Japan. So now Jeff Goldblum’s acting won’t be the only thing robotic about Jurassic Park.

10. A bank in China denied a man without arms a home loan because he was unable to provide fingerprints. Said the man, “For the love of God, can you at least please scratch my nose!”

January 7, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Actress Lindsay Lohan was recently diagnosed with a rare mosquito-transmitted disease called Chikungunya. But don’t be discouraged Lindsay, if you keep at it, they’re bound to name one after you eventually.

2. A new photo book documenting the history of Madison Square Garden features a picture of once New York Knick and current General Manager Phil Jackson nude in the locker-room after a game. Even worse, the picture was taken last week.

3. Mark Rosekind, head of the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, said on Tuesday that a recent wave of auto recalls may lead to even more flaws being discovered this year as drivers become alert to design faults. Said Ford Fiesta owners, “Can an entire car be a design flaw?”

4. A hot item at this years Consumer Electronics Show is a GPS enabled pacifier that helps parents locate lost babies. Or, more accurately, helps parents locate their really expensive lost pacifier.

5. A Florida man is accused of bringing his 5-month old baby to a home burglary attempt, during which he set the child down so that he could pull a knife on the homeowner. Say what you will about his parenting skills, but he’s a good criminal considering, even after ten hours of questioning, that kid still refused to talk.

6. On Tuesday, a judge ruled that former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez’s mother will be allowed to attend his upcoming murder trial. Said his mother, “I’ve never missed a game.”

7. A New Mexico woman was caught smuggling a handgun into an Albuquerque jail inside a very delicate lady part. Which gives new meaning to the term “vaginal discharge.”

8. Authorities in Scotland are looking for the person who abandoned a mixed-breed dog outside a railway station, along with a suitcase containing the dog’s belongings. Finally answering the age old question of how many dead birds can you fit into one suitcase.

9. TLC’s is set to air a one-hour special entitled “My Husband’s Not Gay,” which spotlights a group of married Mormon men who are attracted to other men but don’t identify as gay. People in the Mormon community became suspicious of these men because they only had two wives.

10. The NBA’s New York Knicks have become so wretched that the city’s most prominent newspaper, the New York Times says it is taking its writer off the beat. “What the fuck?” said the New York Times writer who covers the Jets.

11. South Korean prosecutors are seeking an arrest warrant for former Korean Air executive Heather Cho who sparked outrage by kicking a flight-attendant off a plane for serving macadamia nuts to passengers the wrong way. And, keep in mind, this is the saner, more rational Korea.

12. A new study show, doctors often prescribe potentially disabling tranquilizers to older Americans, particularly women. The study was conducted by a Dr. Clifford Huxtable.

October 28, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, singer Taylor Swift released her highly-anticipated new album entitled “1989.” She chose the name because she was born in 1989 and it’s a great reminder how little you’ve accomplished in you’re own life.

2. An Instagram photo surfaced over the weekend of a child wearing a Ray Rice costume and dragging a doll around by the hair at a Halloween parade. Even worse, his brother, who was dressed as Ravens teammate Ray Lewis, kept claiming he “didn’t see nothing.”

3. According to reports, actress Jennifer Lawrence just bought a Beverly Hills home previously owned by singer Jessica Simpson. And, in unrelated news, Nick Lachey just moved into an apartment with Joey Lawrence.

4. Nina Pham, the nurse who contracted Ebola in Dallas, but has been given a clean bill of health, met with and hugged President Obama yesterday in the Oval Office. So let that be a lesson to all those people who tried to hop the White House fence, just get Ebola and they’ll let you right in.

5. On Monday, Toronto voters replaced their notorious mayor, Rob Ford, and rejected an attempt by his brother to take the city’s top job, electing instead a conservative politician. Which is great news for the people of Toronto and terrible news for joke writers everywhere.

6. Under an ordinance signed on Monday by Mayor Ed Lee, San Franciscans who temporarily rent their homes out must begin paying hotel taxes. “Define ‘temporary,’” said Uncles Joey and Jesse.

7. On Monday, New Jersey released a Maine nurse ordered into involuntary quarantine after treating Ebola patients in Sierra Leone. Said the nurse, “I was in Ebola-stricken, West Africa for over a month, and that still doesn’t compare to being stuck in New Jersey for three days.”

8. A 5-year-old boy who recently visited West Africa tested negative for the Ebola virus on Monday in New York City. But, just to be safe, Angelina Jolie is holding off no the adoption.

9. Madison Square Garden Co., which owns the New York Knicks, said on Monday it is considering a plan to separate into two companies. This is one of those rare cases where the divorce is the child’s fault.

10. Walmart has come under fire for a section on its website they labeled “Fat Girl Halloween Costumes.” Which kinda seems redundant for Walmart customers.

September 26, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Two people are suing Madison Square Garden for allegedly over-serving them at a recent Billy Joel concert. When he heard the news, Joel, out of habit, exclaimed, “I wasn’t the one driving, I swear!”

2. A 6.2 magnitude earthquake hit northwest of Anchorage early Thursday morning. Scientists believe it was the result of “seismic shifts in the Earth’s tectonic plates,” while former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin blames it on “the gays.”

3. Ferguson, Missouri Police Chief Thomas Jackson told CNN that, despite calls to do so, he has no intention of resigning. But, if for whatever reason, you do happen to lose your job, maybe leave “Ferguson Police Chief” off your resume.

4. The chief of the Osage Nation Native American tribe has asked all tribal members not to use FedEx, a major sponsor of the Washington Redskins, until the team changes its name. “It’s the right thing to do,” said Chief Sponsored By UPS.

5. The singer-songwriter formerly known as Cat Stevens has cancelled an upcoming show in New York City because scalpers have driven up prices. Which is a really clever way of saying no one bought tickets.

6. Authorities in Idaho are seeking a truck driver who held 37,000 pounds of frozen chicken for ransom demanding money for expenses before eventually letting it rot at a Montana truck stop. “Just how rotten are we talking about here?” said Taco Bell.

7. On the second season premiere of MTV’s show “Faking It,” a character was revealed to be intersex, a person who is born with both male and female chromosomes. “Looks like my competition for best actor/actress just heated up,” said Bruce Jenner.

8. President Obama has drawn criticism for a video that shows him saluting a Marine using a hand that was also holding a cup of coffee. Even worse, Barack wasn’t saluting the Marine, he was asking for a refill.

9. According to a recent poll, more than half of Americans said “yes” when asked if brands should drop their sponsorship deals with the NFL over its mishandling of players accused of domestic violence. Which I can only assume means that “Why the fuck should I care” counted as a “yes” vote.

10. A woman in the U.K., paralyzed from the waist down, regained her ability to walk after getting breast implants. “Oh, she can walk now, I didn’t even notice,” said men.

11. Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto said on Monday that he hopes the U.S. Congress will soon pass immigration reform. It’s not a good sign when even the president of Mexico wants out.

12. On Monday, the Walt Disney Company said the stage version of “the Lion King” has generated the highest total box office of any production in any entertainment medium in history. Said Simba, “I just wish my dad was around to see my success.”

13. On Monday, a Virginia preschool teacher was arrested and charged with assault and battery after she allegedly punished a 13-month-old boy by biting his shoulder. “No you’re doing it all wrong,” said Mary Kay Letourneau.

14. On Tuesday, HBO confirmed that actors Colin Farrell and Vince Vaughn will star in the second season of the critically-acclaimed “True Detective” series. No word on what Matthew McConaughy and Woody Harrelson think of the casting, but they’ll probably be so high when it airs they won’t even realize it’s not them.

15. On Friday, Mama June and Sugar Bear from the hit TLC reality show “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” revealed that they are separating. They said they just grew apart, which I took to literally mean that they kept getting fatter.

16. Clemson University suspended a mandatory online course that asked students about their sex lives following a backlash from the school community. The final straw occurred when a professor, upon learning of one girl’s minimal sexual experience, said he’d “give her an F.”

17. A leading lawmaker said on Sunday, women of the Senate have taken notice and will speak up about how the NFL has handled domestic abuse cases. Although, to be fair, women speaking up is what got the NFL into this mess to begin with.

18. According to zoo officials, the groundhog that squirmed out of New York Mayor Bill de Blasio’s hands and fell to the floor during this year’s Groundhog Day celebration, died on Thursday. Now, I’m no meteorologist, but that can’t be a good sign.

19. A 26-year-old Connecticut man was in police custody on Tuesday after showing up to a probation meeting driving a car that police say he stole from a woman in a supermarket parking lot and later may have used to rob a bank. Said the man, “But at least I was on time for my probation meeting.”

20. Thai Prime Minister General Prayuth Chan-ocha admitted on Tuesday to turning to fortune tellers for work-related advice. Said Vice President Joe Biden, “That’s an insult to people like me, who hold positions of power, and my magic eight ball.”

21. According to an investigative report, young people in rural Pennsylvania can buy heroin more easily than a bottle of wine. Which may explain why the Amish think the beard with no mustache is a good look.