January 6, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, a Kentucky woman gave her probation officer a dog urine sample during a drug screening. Officials became suspicious when her tests came back positive for snausages.

2. During a rally on Friday, President Trump warned his supporters that his Democratic opponents would tear down crosses. Although I’m not sure uppercase T’s count as crosses: 

3. Presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg on Tuesday said his campaign had unknowingly used prison workers to make telephone calls on his behalf. Although, I think they would have been more effective if they had been knocking on doors instead:

4. Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein underwent back surgery last week. Here’s hoping for a quick recovery … for the doctors who had to see him naked. 

5. President Trump on Friday blasted the magazine founded by the late Reverend Billy Graham after the publication called for him to be removed from office. Said Trump, “That magazine isn’t even worthy of being rolled up by a stripper to be spanked with.”

6. Russian President Vladimir Putin again invited President Trump to visit Moscow in the coming year. The prostitutes are already preparing for Donald’s arrival:

7. President Trump said on Tuesday he would be happy to have a trial in the Senate following his impeachment in the House, but that he did not really care. Trump has such little interest in the matter that he has nicknamed it ‘Tiffany.’

8. On Monday, doctors to Bernie Sanders said the presidential hopeful passed a stress test. That story again, apparently there are no visual components to stress tests:

9. A recent study found that a Google artificial intelligence system proved as good as expert radiologists at detecting which women had breast cancer. “Great, now all women can share my experience of what it’s liked to get felt up by a robot,” said Ann Romney.

10. Disney World employees who portray costumed characters have filed incident reports with police, claiming tourists inappropriately touched them. “When you’re a star, they just let you do it,” said one Donald to another.

11. According to reports, actress Lori Loughlin is reportedly practicing martial arts so she’ll be ready for prison. Or, more likely:

12. A Chinese court sentenced the scientist who created the world’s first “gene-edited” babies to three years in prison. Apparently now you can get sent to jail for making babies that shouldn’t exist, so better lawyer up Mr. and Mrs. Bieber.

13. A Chinese court sentenced the scientist who created the world’s first “gene-edited” babies to three years in prison on Monday for illegally practicing medicine. “Wait, you can legally practice medicine?” said this guy:

14. According to a new study, almost 1 in 18 women have experienced sexual harassment in the workplace. This study was conducted anywhere other than “The Today Show”:

15. Newsweek has published a new article profiling an experimental study conducted 20 years ago that observed eight couples having sex in an MRI scanner. So now you have something other than that tumor to worry about, next person in that scanner. 

16. Newsweek has published a new article profiling an experimental study conducted 20 years ago that observed eight couples having sex in an MRI scanner. The study concluded that you should never let give the night janitor keys to the MRI room.

November 14, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump is considering his son Donald Trump Jr. for a cabinet position. Begging the question, is Don Jr. more Uday or Qusay?

2. The Trump Organization said on Friday it was vetting new business structures aimed at transferring management control to three of President-elect Donald Trump’s children. “Which three?” said a hopeful Tiffany.

3. Tens of thousands of people have signed up to participate in a “Women’s March on Washington” to take place on the day after President-elect Donald Trump is inaugurated. Which explains President Trump’s agenda for his first day in office:agenda

4. Some Browns fans are planning a parade in Cleveland if the team goes a ‘perfect’ 0-16 this season. That’s crazy, there are still people who identify themselves as Browns fans?

5. Actor Alec Baldwin said he will not continue to play the character of Donald Trump on Saturday Night Live. No word on whether the real Donald Trump will continue to write material for the character.

6. Over the weekend, Oprah Winfrey said she believes that Donald Trump has been humbled by his election victory. But, what I think she meant to say was, ”You get a czar! And you get a czar!”

7. Newsweek magazine was forced to recall 125,000 commemorative issues featuring Hillary Clinton on the cover with the headline “Madam President.” No word on what “High Times” magazine plans to do:high-times

8. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump is considering Sarah Palin for the position of Secretary of the Interior in his cabinet. You’d think, due to her previous comments, Trump would make her ambassador to Russia, but, so far, Trump’s been doing a good job of filling that role himself.

9. A man in Alabama bought a billboard that features his sex offender neighbor’s mugshot in an effort to get him to move. But, on the plus side, it let the neighborhood kids know which house had the best candy on Halloween.

10. Formula One driver Lewis Hamilton had his pet bulldog Roscoe’s sperm frozen to ensure he can have puppies in future. So, if you’re over at Hamilton’s house, hungry and searching through his freezer, you better make damn sure that’s a pint of vanilla ice cream.