January 6, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, a Kentucky woman gave her probation officer a dog urine sample during a drug screening. Officials became suspicious when her tests came back positive for snausages.

2. During a rally on Friday, President Trump warned his supporters that his Democratic opponents would tear down crosses. Although I’m not sure uppercase T’s count as crosses: 

3. Presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg on Tuesday said his campaign had unknowingly used prison workers to make telephone calls on his behalf. Although, I think they would have been more effective if they had been knocking on doors instead:

4. Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein underwent back surgery last week. Here’s hoping for a quick recovery … for the doctors who had to see him naked. 

5. President Trump on Friday blasted the magazine founded by the late Reverend Billy Graham after the publication called for him to be removed from office. Said Trump, “That magazine isn’t even worthy of being rolled up by a stripper to be spanked with.”

6. Russian President Vladimir Putin again invited President Trump to visit Moscow in the coming year. The prostitutes are already preparing for Donald’s arrival:

7. President Trump said on Tuesday he would be happy to have a trial in the Senate following his impeachment in the House, but that he did not really care. Trump has such little interest in the matter that he has nicknamed it ‘Tiffany.’

8. On Monday, doctors to Bernie Sanders said the presidential hopeful passed a stress test. That story again, apparently there are no visual components to stress tests:

9. A recent study found that a Google artificial intelligence system proved as good as expert radiologists at detecting which women had breast cancer. “Great, now all women can share my experience of what it’s liked to get felt up by a robot,” said Ann Romney.

10. Disney World employees who portray costumed characters have filed incident reports with police, claiming tourists inappropriately touched them. “When you’re a star, they just let you do it,” said one Donald to another.

11. According to reports, actress Lori Loughlin is reportedly practicing martial arts so she’ll be ready for prison. Or, more likely:

12. A Chinese court sentenced the scientist who created the world’s first “gene-edited” babies to three years in prison. Apparently now you can get sent to jail for making babies that shouldn’t exist, so better lawyer up Mr. and Mrs. Bieber.

13. A Chinese court sentenced the scientist who created the world’s first “gene-edited” babies to three years in prison on Monday for illegally practicing medicine. “Wait, you can legally practice medicine?” said this guy:

14. According to a new study, almost 1 in 18 women have experienced sexual harassment in the workplace. This study was conducted anywhere other than “The Today Show”:

15. Newsweek has published a new article profiling an experimental study conducted 20 years ago that observed eight couples having sex in an MRI scanner. So now you have something other than that tumor to worry about, next person in that scanner. 

16. Newsweek has published a new article profiling an experimental study conducted 20 years ago that observed eight couples having sex in an MRI scanner. The study concluded that you should never let give the night janitor keys to the MRI room.

April 25, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump is scheduled to have dinner with all the Supreme Court Justices on Thursday. It’ll mark the first time that all of President Trump’s dinner guests wore robes since Steve Bannon’s family came over for game night:

2. While speaking to astronaut Peggy Whitson yesterday, who is currently aboard the International Space Station, President Trump said “Better you than me,” when Whitson said she purifies her own urine to drink. So, I’m guessing the part that Trump objected to was the purifying part.

3. Despite saying “I love Wikileaks” while campaigning, in a new interview, President Trump said he doesn’t support the website. And, in Trump’s defense support and love are two very different things, for instance, he supports Eric and Don Jr.

4. A new study found that 90% of baby changing tables in public restrooms tested positive for cocaine. Which, I’m pretty sure, is the plot of ‘Boss Baby’:

5. Former Fox News host Bill O’Reilly launched a podcast on Monday. And it has already lost a sponsor, Blue Apron has pulled its commercials after O’Reilly tried to look down her apron.

6. Yesterday, President Trump announced his plan to send a man to Mars during his presidency. While, Scott Pruitt, the head of the EPA, announced his plans to send us all to Mars during Trump’s presidency.

7. While en route to Australia last week, Vice President Mike Pence forced everyone onboard Air Force 2 to watch “Hoosiers” which he called “the greatest basketball movie ever made.” “Yet another thing we disagree on,” said the plane’s previous tenant:

8. A new study found that blood from human infants appeared to improve learning and memory in older mice. And you thought these pictures were creepy before:

9. Vice President Mike Pence has cut short the final leg of his Asia trip to return to Washington ahead of a potential government shutdown. But, don’t worry, before Pence as able to end his trip prematurely, he was forced to look at an ultrasound of his remaining stops.

10. A seven-year-old boy in China miraculously survived a ten-storey fall from a building after using an umbrella as a ‘parachute.’ Upon landing, the boy was immediately served with a lawsuit by lawyers for Mary Poppins.

November 17, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump does not want to live full-time at the White House, but instead, wake up in his own bed in Trump Tower. I assume he wants to wake up in his own bed so he, like many Americans, can at least for a split-second pretend like this was all just a bad dream.

2. On Wednesday, Republican President-elect Donald Trump rejected reports that he was trying to get top-level security clearances for his children. Because ‘children’ implies plural:trump-ivanka

3. A Pennsylvania judge on Wednesday rejected comedian Bill Cosby’s latest bid seeking the dismissal of criminal charges that he sexually assaulted a woman at his home in 2004. Although I bet Cosby keeps trying, because, if I know one thing about him, it’s that he doesn’t take ‘no’ for an answer.

4. Singer Tony Bennett revealed in his new book that he ‘met’ his wife when her mother was still pregnant with her. Needless-to-say, Woody Allen is suing him for plagiarism.

5. Yesterday, rapper Iggy Azalea joked that she has “the best vagina in the world.” “I’ll be the judge of that,” said President-elect Trump loosening up his hand.

6. Mattel announced yesterday that they are making a version of Barbie based off of plus-size model Ashley Graham. “I thought I explained this to you, changing her body type isn’t gonna make a difference,” said Ken.

7. A new study has found that drinking a glass of wine before having a cigarette can help prevent some of the harm caused by smoking. So, at this point, Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb might as well take up smoking.

8. A new study has found the blood from teenagers can rejuvenate the body and brains of old mice. Although the method is risky, especially if Minnie catches Mickey with those teens.

9. Entertainment Weekly reported that actor Corey Feldman proposed to his girlfriend right after Donald Trump’s presidential victory. Smart move Corey, get ‘em when they’re most vulnerable.
 
10. It was announced yesterday that Paula Abdul, New Kids on the Block and Boyz II Men will all go on tour together next year. Unless, of course, their demands are met.

July 1, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump gave a speech at a Pennsylvania recycling plant in front of a giant pile of trash. Said Chris Christie, “I’ve been called worse.”

2. High-end fashion retailer Coach is now selling a pocketbook with a picture of Mickey Mouse on it for $300. “Looks like someone just got his Hannukah shopping done,” said Woody Allen.

3. New research suggests that an experimental shock therapy may improve erectile disfunction in men. “Nope,” said Mrs. Ben Franklin.

4. It was reported yesterday that legal analyst Nancy Grace is leaving CNN’s Headline News, but no reason was given for the departure. Please be an abduction, please be an abduction…

5. The Albanian town of Sarande has built a bronze statue of Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton. Of course, if Hillary doesn’t win the general election and become the next President of the United States, the town will just re-dedicate the statue to comedic actor David Spade.

6. Researchers at MIT have taught a computer to watch two people on TV and predict if they’re going to kiss. The way it works is, if one of them is Joe Namath and it’s after happy hour, the answer is yes.

7. Researchers at MIT have taught a computer to watch two people on TV and predict if they’re going to kiss. Things got weird when Donald Trump appeared at a televised campaign rally with Ivanka.

8. According to reports, when his term is up, President Obama is tinkering with the idea of becoming a venture capitalist in Silicon Valley. Meaning he would be the second ex-president to give out a ton of money around silicon:
strip club

9. According to a new study, Americans spend an average of eleven hours a day looking at screens. “Not according to my numbers,” said the owner of a movie theater that showed Johnny Depp’s last movie.

10. According to a new report, only 30% of prisoners in Texas have air conditioning in their cells. Said the other 70%, “Who’s a guy gotta kill to get an A/C unit?”

11. According to reports, Tetris, the 1980s video game about stacking blocks, is being made into not one, but three films. Yeah, it’s just six hours of waiting for one of those long skinny pieces to appear.

12. In a new interview, comedian Chelsea Handler revealed that she had two abortions when she was 16. Or, as she refers to it, a slow year.

13. In a recent interview, Bernie Sanders said he will vote for Hillary Clinton in November’s presidential election. That’s over five months away, you’re 74-years-old, maybe focus on tomorrow and don’t make too many long-term plans.

14. On Sunday, Hillary Clinton’s campaign aired its first Spanish language ad during the Chile-Argentina Copa America soccer game. Said Donald Trump, “I saw it, I was unimpressed, she didn’t even eat one taco bowl.”

15. The Roman Catholic Archbishop of Montreal has ordered that beginning sometime this year, priests in Montreal parishes will no longer be permitted to spend time alone with children. “Threesome it is,” said two priests alone in a room with an altar boy.

16. Handgun owners were invited to bring their sidearms, openly carried and holstered with a concealed weapons permit, to a Michigan minor league baseball game last Friday for the stadium’s “2nd Amendment Education Night.” More so than any other night, you really don’t wanna get caught stealing.

17. On Friday, actress Lindsay Lohan sent 31 tweets in two hours arguing that England’s decision to leave the E.U. was stupid and used the plunging value of the British pound as support. Because if anyone knows something about plunging value.

18. A businessman in Geneva plans to open a café where customers can enjoy oral sex while they sip their morning coffee. And you thought the lines at Starbucks were long.

19. A businessman in Geneva plans to open a café where customers can enjoy oral sex while they sip their morning coffee. That story again, a whorehouse in Switzerland bought a coffee machine.

20. Four men in Texas were arrested after a $20,000 heist when they took a wrong turn in their getaway vehicle and ended up at FBI headquarters in Dallas. Asked what they were planning on doing with that money, the men said, “Buy a GPS.”

21. A man in Wyoming has been arrested after allegedly going door-to-door asking people if they wanted to buy cocaine from him. Turns out, Walter White’s “I am the one who knocks,” is not a solid business plan.

22. Last week, a Louisiana man threw away his pitiable after the dog ate his pizza. If that’s the case, then he’s really not gonna like what his cat did to his lasagna:
garfield

23. A North Texas city council has voted to oust a cat that lives in and serves as a mascot for the public library. But if those officials think its the cat that’s keeping Texans away from books they are sorely mistaken.

24. Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign is hosting a special performance of the Broadway smash hit “Hamilton” as part of a campaign fund-raiser. Donald Trump is also getting in on the Broadway fun promising to build a wall around the theater housing the musical “Aladdin.”

25. The Lithuanian village of Ramygala held its annual goat beauty pageant on Sunday, with the top prize going to a 16-month-old female goat called Demyte. Or, as she will undoubtedly be known in a few months, Demyte Trump.

June 3, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. All four cities vying to host the 2024 Olympic games have advanced to the next stage of campaigning as the International Olympic Commission found no major flaws in their bids. That story again, all the checks cleared.

2. A new online game called Surgeon Simulator allows users to operate on presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump. The program initially had Jeb Bush as the patient, but he was DOA every time.

3. A ghost-hunting tour in the U.K. accidentally stumbled upon a porn that was being shot in a graveyard. Which makes sense since the all actors were dead on the inside.

4. A 43-year-old man is claiming that his twenty-nine Miley Cyrus tattoos are preventing him from getting a girlfriend. Which isn’t true, his first Miley Cyrus tattoo did that, the other twenty-eight were just overkill.

5. According to reports, conservative commentator Bill Kristol is considering choosing David French, a staff writer with National Review magazine and a constitutional lawyer, to run as an independent presidential candidate. So remember the name David French, because if you do, you’ll be the only one.

6. A number of parking lots in China have introduced “female only” parking spaces. “Here we go again,” said North Carolina.

7. School officials in Mobile, Alabama are looking into allegations that a teacher administered a math test that may have been racist. Whoa, whoa, whoa, since when have they been teaching math in Alabama?

8. A former Miss Turkey was handed a 14-month suspended prison sentence on Tuesday for insulting Turkish President Tayyip Erdogan through a poem she shared on Instagram. But, come on, give her some credit, do you know how hard it is to rhyme ‘Tayyip Erdogan’?

9. A couple in their eighties have finally tied the knot after dating for over forty years. So, I guess, the answer to the age old question of why buy the cow is because the milk has turned sour.

10. Just one day after saying he’d love to debate Bernie Sanders, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump changed his mind and said he would not debate the Democrat. Between this and his flip-flops on gun control and abortion, Trump doesn’t have time to debate Bernie when he’s so busy arguing with himself.

11. Last week, Utah police cited a man who was running around nude with bells hanging from his genitals. “This is not how I wanted to get my wings,” said one angel.

12. A Florida fifth-grader, who may have had a hit list, could face murder charges, after she poisoned a classmate’s water using bleach. The teacher should have known something was up when the student ended every show-and-tell with “You didn’t see nothing.”

13. An Arkansas man proposed to his girlfriend by creating a level on the Super Mario Brothers video game that popped the question to her. The couple will be honeymooning in her parent’s basement.

14. A five-year old boy’s missing hamster was discovered by a doctor dead in the back-fat of his mother who weighs over 700 pounds. So, in hindsight, the boy probably shouldn’t have named him lucky.

15. Over the weekend, to mark their 100th anniversary Nathan’s sold hot dogs for a nickel at its famous Coney Island stand. “I remember when they only cost a quarter,” said a very confused old man.

16. On Friday, Texas Congressman Louie Gohmert took to the floor of the House of Representatives to argue that homosexuals shouldn’t be allowed in outer space. Which seems like a direct shot at Lance Bass.

17. Last week, a man in West Virginia wearing a ‘#1 DAD’ t-shirt used his daughter as a human shield after robbing a bank. But maybe the daughter wouldn’t have been in that situation if she had bought her dad an actual shield instead of that stupid shirt.

18. Last week, scientists in Australia discovered seven new species of peacock spiders. Although, they can’t be too good at peacocking if they’re just being discovered now.

19. The National Park Service is calling part of the Petersburg National Battlefield, the site of a bloody Civil War battle, “an active crime scene” due to a large number of freshly dug excavation pits. Authorities are blaming it on looters or the South has literally risen again.

20. Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg just submitted plans to tear down and rebuild four of the houses surrounding his Palo Alto home. Or, as he refers to it, adjusting his privacy settings.

21. A group of artists unveiled a huge mural of David Bowie in Sarajevo on Saturday. Not because of Bowie’s death, but because they just got his music there.

22. Alex Rodriguez’s 8-year-old daughter Ella filled out a Parent’s Day school assignment by answering questions about her famous father, including “the craziest thing my dad ever did was cut an apple for me.” So, needless to say, she she failed that assignment.

23. The vinyl edition of “The Force Awakens” soundtrack has spinning holograms etched into the record. Even better, if you play it backwards, it says “Jar Jar Binks is dead.”

24. According to reports, singer Gwen Stefani turned down boyfriend and fellow-singer Blake Shelton’s marriage proposal. It was gut wrenching, Shelton popped the question and Stefani didn’t turn her chair around.

25. A Japanese company has invented a robotic suitcase that retails for $650 and follows its owner around like a dog. “Can you teach them to fight?” said Michael Vick.

26. According to an annual ranking of airports, Newark International Airport is the most miserable airport. Although, somehow, it’s still the best place in New Jersey.

27. Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has taken to calling presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump “Mr. Macho.” Said Trump, “Oh, that hurts, is that what it feels like when someone calls you a name? Wow, I’m a monster.”

28. Disney has vowed legal action against a Chinese theme park that has been using knock-off versions of their characters. The characters are not exactly the same, for instance, Mickey has been changed to Marky, Minnie is now Marnie and Pluto is lunch.

29. This week, a duck graduated from an elementary school in Florida. Although, at this point, the “in Florida” part seems redundant.

January 26, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, Ben Cohen, one half of Ben & Jerry’s, endorsed Bernie Sanders for president by unveiling a new ice cream flavor called “Bernie’s Yearning.” It is expected to sell better than “Trumps Clumps.”

2. Prices at 137 Walmart stores set to close on January 28 have been slashed by 50%. Which means, at this point, Walmart will pay you to take Nickelback’s latest album off their hands.

3. Eight museum employees will be charged with negligence after a botched reattachment of the beard on King Tutankhamun’s mask. King Tut’s beard is very identifiable and known all around the world, much like Abraham Lincoln’s infamous chin-strap and Kelly Preston.

4. According to a new study, infants and preschoolers who gain weight rapidly may have higher-than-average high blood pressure later in childhood. Although, if their blood pressure is really high, there’s not gonna be a “later in childhood.”

5. An exhibit highlighting the fashion of Minnie Mouse has opened up in downtown Los Angeles. Of course, you’d have a lot more closet space, and thus options, if your husband didn’t own any pants too.

6. A 92-year-old World War II vet plans on traveling to Australia to reunite with his war-time girlfriend. Said the man’s angry wife, “Is that what you meant by ‘spending a lot of time in the fox hole’?”

7. According to experts, the mosquito-borne Zika virus, linked to brain damage in thousands of babies in Brazil, is likely to spread to the U.S. Although, by the looks of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” it may already be here.

8. In an interview published on Monday, President Obama said Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders has had the “luxury of being a complete long shot” so far in the race to be the Democratic presidential candidate. Which, I guess, means Martin O’Malley is a shoe-in.

9. Despite breaking his arm in Sunday’s NFC Championship game, Carolina Panthers All-Pro linebacker Thomas Davis said he will play in the SuperBowl. Meanwhile, I stubbed my toe yesterday and called in sick to work for the entire week.

10. To mark the Year of the Monkey, a Monkey School in South Korea put on performances by several of the trained animals. Finally answering age-old question, is there a South Korean equivalent to Arizona State University?

Monologue Jokes – July 26, 2013

1. Earlier this week, comedian Jimmy Fallon and his wife welcomed their first child, a baby girl. Whereupon, she was immediately captured and held for ransom by Jay Leno.

2. According to a poll released on Thursday, the recent controversy surrounding Anthony Weiner has cost him the lead in the New York City mayoral race. Said Weiner, “You realize if I don’t get this job, I’ll just have more free time on my hands, right?”

3. According to a poll released on Thursday, the recent controversy surrounding Anthony Weiner has cost him the lead in the New York City mayoral race. When asked why they switched their support of Weiner, many voters said, “I thought he leaned left, but according to some of the pictures I’ve seen…”

4. According to a new study, exercise-based rehabilitation programs for heart patients are tied to health benefits, even among the most elderly. “Does shooting your friend in the face count as exercise?” said Dick Cheney.

5. According to court papers released on Thursday, the body of the man that Aaron Hernandez is accused of murdering was found with the keys to a black Chevy that Hernandez had rented. Also found on the man’s body, bullets that belonged to Hernandez. (allegedly)

6. A 320-pound, 50-year-old sea turtle was packed in a customized FedEx crate to be shipped to Las Vegas on Thursday to give it a better home at a luxury casino. If you want to catch a glimpse of the turtle, it will be at the Luxor buffet for the next week, or until they run out of that sweet-sweet turtle meat.

7. Being rude to the French president is no longer an offense after parliament agreed on Thursday to amend legislation dating back to 1881. Wait, this whole time, that was French people being polite?

8. Lonely dogs left at home all day while their owners are at work will now have some company as a TV channel programmed just for dogs will soon hit the airwaves. Which is great news, because every time I leave my TV on the E! channel and an episode of the Kardashians comes on, my dog takes a shit on my rug.

9. On Thursday, Alex Rodriguez and the New York Yankees agreed on a timetable for his return. So keep an eye out for pigs taking flight.

10. On Thursday, Alex Rodriguez and the New York Yankees agreed on a timetable for his return, a day after a disagreement that stemmed from Rodriguez seeking a second medical opinion to support his desire to return to the team immediately. Although it was suspicious that the second opinion came from the Boston Red Sox team doctor.

11. Scientists say they have, for the first time, generated false memory in mice by manipulating brain cells that encode that information. “Great, now can you get Minnie to forget a few things,” said Mickey.

Monologue Jokes – June 4, 2013

1. In a recent interview, actor Michael Douglas revealed that the throat cancer he was diagnosed with three years ago was caused by oral sex. Funny, if I had to pick a vagina that would give you cancer I would have gone with Monica Lewinsky’s due to its fondness for cigars.

2. Yesterday, the first pornographic app for Google Glass was announced, causing Google to officially ban sexually explicit material from the futuristic eyewear. Thanks, but no thanks Google, I already have a regular pair of glasses.

3. Twitter was down for about a half-hour on Monday after a glitch during a routine change. “Going down for a half-hour is nothing,” said Michael Douglas.

4. China told a North Korean envoy, including leader Kim Jong-Un, to stop conducting nuclear and missile tests. Although it was suspicious that China emphasized the word “tests.”

5. Yesterday, 10-time All-Star Jason Kidd retired after 19 seasons. Although, if you watched any of the Knicks’ playoff games you know he retired months ago.

6. A team of researchers from Georgia Tech say they’ve discovered a way to hack into iPhones and iPads in less than a minute using a “malicious charger.” Next up for the team, developing a puppy that gives you cancer. Stop actively ruining things we love!

7. Legendary Buffalo Bills quarterback Jim Kelly will undergo surgery after being diagnosed with cancer of the upper jaw bone. Damn you Catherine Zeta Jones!

8. A leading Republican congressman proposed legislation on Monday that critics say would force President Obama to keep the Guantanamo Bay military prison open and fund renovations. Say what you will about the practices at Gitmo, I think everyone can agree that the water-boarding room needs new curtains.

9. Disney World has raised its ticket prices to nearly $100 per ticket. In addition, they have changed their theme song to “M-I-C, See you real soon, K-E-Y, Why? Because you’re a sucker.”

10. Today Amazon announced a new $200 million licensing agreement with Viacom, giving it access to hit shows like Dora the Explorer and SpongeBob SquarePants. As a result, Dora will be cutting back on her exploring and spending more time at her Beverly Hills estate.