January 6, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, a Kentucky woman gave her probation officer a dog urine sample during a drug screening. Officials became suspicious when her tests came back positive for snausages.

2. During a rally on Friday, President Trump warned his supporters that his Democratic opponents would tear down crosses. Although I’m not sure uppercase T’s count as crosses: 

3. Presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg on Tuesday said his campaign had unknowingly used prison workers to make telephone calls on his behalf. Although, I think they would have been more effective if they had been knocking on doors instead:

4. Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein underwent back surgery last week. Here’s hoping for a quick recovery … for the doctors who had to see him naked. 

5. President Trump on Friday blasted the magazine founded by the late Reverend Billy Graham after the publication called for him to be removed from office. Said Trump, “That magazine isn’t even worthy of being rolled up by a stripper to be spanked with.”

6. Russian President Vladimir Putin again invited President Trump to visit Moscow in the coming year. The prostitutes are already preparing for Donald’s arrival:

7. President Trump said on Tuesday he would be happy to have a trial in the Senate following his impeachment in the House, but that he did not really care. Trump has such little interest in the matter that he has nicknamed it ‘Tiffany.’

8. On Monday, doctors to Bernie Sanders said the presidential hopeful passed a stress test. That story again, apparently there are no visual components to stress tests:

9. A recent study found that a Google artificial intelligence system proved as good as expert radiologists at detecting which women had breast cancer. “Great, now all women can share my experience of what it’s liked to get felt up by a robot,” said Ann Romney.

10. Disney World employees who portray costumed characters have filed incident reports with police, claiming tourists inappropriately touched them. “When you’re a star, they just let you do it,” said one Donald to another.

11. According to reports, actress Lori Loughlin is reportedly practicing martial arts so she’ll be ready for prison. Or, more likely:

12. A Chinese court sentenced the scientist who created the world’s first “gene-edited” babies to three years in prison. Apparently now you can get sent to jail for making babies that shouldn’t exist, so better lawyer up Mr. and Mrs. Bieber.

13. A Chinese court sentenced the scientist who created the world’s first “gene-edited” babies to three years in prison on Monday for illegally practicing medicine. “Wait, you can legally practice medicine?” said this guy:

14. According to a new study, almost 1 in 18 women have experienced sexual harassment in the workplace. This study was conducted anywhere other than “The Today Show”:

15. Newsweek has published a new article profiling an experimental study conducted 20 years ago that observed eight couples having sex in an MRI scanner. So now you have something other than that tumor to worry about, next person in that scanner. 

16. Newsweek has published a new article profiling an experimental study conducted 20 years ago that observed eight couples having sex in an MRI scanner. The study concluded that you should never let give the night janitor keys to the MRI room.