January 6, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, a Kentucky woman gave her probation officer a dog urine sample during a drug screening. Officials became suspicious when her tests came back positive for snausages.

2. During a rally on Friday, President Trump warned his supporters that his Democratic opponents would tear down crosses. Although I’m not sure uppercase T’s count as crosses: 

3. Presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg on Tuesday said his campaign had unknowingly used prison workers to make telephone calls on his behalf. Although, I think they would have been more effective if they had been knocking on doors instead:

4. Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein underwent back surgery last week. Here’s hoping for a quick recovery … for the doctors who had to see him naked. 

5. President Trump on Friday blasted the magazine founded by the late Reverend Billy Graham after the publication called for him to be removed from office. Said Trump, “That magazine isn’t even worthy of being rolled up by a stripper to be spanked with.”

6. Russian President Vladimir Putin again invited President Trump to visit Moscow in the coming year. The prostitutes are already preparing for Donald’s arrival:

7. President Trump said on Tuesday he would be happy to have a trial in the Senate following his impeachment in the House, but that he did not really care. Trump has such little interest in the matter that he has nicknamed it ‘Tiffany.’

8. On Monday, doctors to Bernie Sanders said the presidential hopeful passed a stress test. That story again, apparently there are no visual components to stress tests:

9. A recent study found that a Google artificial intelligence system proved as good as expert radiologists at detecting which women had breast cancer. “Great, now all women can share my experience of what it’s liked to get felt up by a robot,” said Ann Romney.

10. Disney World employees who portray costumed characters have filed incident reports with police, claiming tourists inappropriately touched them. “When you’re a star, they just let you do it,” said one Donald to another.

11. According to reports, actress Lori Loughlin is reportedly practicing martial arts so she’ll be ready for prison. Or, more likely:

12. A Chinese court sentenced the scientist who created the world’s first “gene-edited” babies to three years in prison. Apparently now you can get sent to jail for making babies that shouldn’t exist, so better lawyer up Mr. and Mrs. Bieber.

13. A Chinese court sentenced the scientist who created the world’s first “gene-edited” babies to three years in prison on Monday for illegally practicing medicine. “Wait, you can legally practice medicine?” said this guy:

14. According to a new study, almost 1 in 18 women have experienced sexual harassment in the workplace. This study was conducted anywhere other than “The Today Show”:

15. Newsweek has published a new article profiling an experimental study conducted 20 years ago that observed eight couples having sex in an MRI scanner. So now you have something other than that tumor to worry about, next person in that scanner. 

16. Newsweek has published a new article profiling an experimental study conducted 20 years ago that observed eight couples having sex in an MRI scanner. The study concluded that you should never let give the night janitor keys to the MRI room.

October 13, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. The student Academy Awards were held on Thursday in Beverly Hills. They are just like the regular Academy Awards except to get nominated you don’t have to watch Harvey Weinstein masturbate into a potted plant.

2. This week, President Trump gave his first one-on-one interview in three months to Mike Huckabee. And, given all that, no one was under more pressure than the chairs:

3. Madison Square Garden has created a ticket package for $400,000 that includes front-row seats for 180 events, including all Knicks and Rangers games and concerts from the likes of Billy Joel and Shakira. Or, you can pay $500,000 for a package that doesn’t include Knicks games.

4. According to a new ‘Vanity Fair’ article, an increasingly frustrated President Trump has been heard saying, “I hate everyone in the White House.” Said Eric, “This is the first time I’m happy daddy makes me sleep in a tent out back”:

5. It is being reported that during the meeting that led to Secretary of State Rex Tillerson calling President Trump a ‘moron,’ Trump said he wanted to increase the U.S.’s nuclear arsenal tenfold. Which is five more folds than normal for him:

6. According to a new survey, 52% of men say they haven’t personally benefited from women having access to affordable birth control. A result that only makes sense if they somehow, accidentally polled Kevin Federline 52 times.

7. The world’s heaviest woman died this week. Luckily, it was an easy death because she had ample experience going towards the light:

8. According to a new study, half of Americans think, in the future, having sex with a robot will be normal. That story again, Ann Romney was way ahead of her time:

9. This week ‘The Times of London’ reported that ousted movie exec Harvey Weinstein once invited a British noblewoman to “jump in the bath” with him. Begging the question, just how big was that bathtub that it could fit Harvey Weinstein and another human being?

10. According to a study in the American Journal of Emergency Medicine, more than 1 million Americans injure themselves on stairs each year. Not to be outdone, 60 million Americans were fucked over by an escalator last year:

11. Vice President Mike Pence left a football game between the Indianapolis Colts and the San Francisco 49ers on Sunday after some players knelt during the National Anthem. There was also a mass exodus following the National Anthem at the Jets game, but that’s because it was announced they were playing the Browns.

12. This week, President Trump responded to reports that his Secretary of State Rex Tillerson called him “a fucking moron” by challenging him to an IQ test. IQ tests are based on verbal intelligence, mathematical ability, spatial reasoning, and, uh-oh, ability to open doors:

13. Microsoft said on Monday it was looking into whether Russians bought U.S. election ads on its Bing search engine. Oh man, if that’s true, those ads could have been seen by literally tens of people.

14. This week, Russian President Vladimir Putin received a puppy as a belated-birthday gift from the president of Turkmenistan. Said Putin, “Great, just what we need in this country, another foreigner who pees wherever he wants.”:

15. Some East African countries no longer want foreign secondhand clothing because they’re trying to manufacture their own clothing. But what those Africans really want is to meet the back-to-back-to-back-to-back Superbowl-winning Buffalo Bills teams of the early 90s.

16. A company has begun selling condoms in 60-custom-fit sizes in response to men who say they don’t like wearing prophylactics because they don’t fit properly. Said those same men to their girlfriends, “Did I also mention I’m allergic to latex?”

17. Forbes magazine, which annually ranks the world’s richest people, said they have a ‘Trump rule’ where they take whatever Trump says he’s worth and divide it by three. Completely disregarding two-thirds is an idea the magazine said they got from Trump himself:

18. Authorities say man in Minnesota lived in a house with the decomposing bodies of his mother and twin brother for over a year. But, on the plus-side ladies he’s a homeowner now.

19. White House officials believe Chief of Staff John Kelly’s personal cellphone was hacked. Even crazier, Trump’s wasn’t:

20. Grammy-winning rapper Nelly was arrested near Seattle early on Saturday after a woman accused him of sexually assaulting her on a tour bus. But we shouldn’t rush to judgment, maybe it was just locker room talk:

January 31, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Brunhilde Pomsel, the private secretary of the Nazi propaganda minister Joseph Goebbels during World War II, has died at 106. War veteran John McCain called her “a mouth piece for evil,” while White House press secretary Sean Spicer called her, “an inspiration.”

2. A spokesperson for Angela Merkel said that during their recent telephone call, the German Chancellor had to explain the Geneva Convention to President Trump. A task that proved to be very difficult because over the phone Trump couldn’t see the sock puppets.

3. On Monday, President Trump accused Democratic Senator Chuck Schumer of crying “fake tears” when talking about the newly instituted travel ban. And, to his credit, Trump is an expert at spotting real tears since Melania wakes up screaming and crying every morning.

4. Richard Spencer, a leading white nationalist, said he was a “mentor” to Stephen Miller, one of President Trump’s closest advisors, while they were both at Duke University. Which means at least one thing, Miller doesn’t know how to take a punch:

5. According to reports, Megyn Kelly is being considered for a morning show on NBC, possibly bumping the third hour of the “Today Show” hosted by Tamron Hall and Al Roker. While the fourth hour of the “Today Show” hosted by Hoda and Kathie Lee will be replaced by party blower and a bottle of Vicodin:

6. The 3rd International Congress on Love and Sex with Robots is set to be held in the Netherlands in October. This year’s keynote speaker, as it has been every year, will be Ann Romney.

7. The 3rd International Congress on Love and Sex with Robots is set to be held in Eindehoven, Netherlands on October 26th. So, needless-to-say, the line at the breakfast buffet at the Eindhoven Holiday Inn to use the toaster is gonna be very long that day.

8. Under a new rule, goaltenders in the National Hockey League will soon have to wear pants with a more contoured fit. Critics blame the new rule on the rise of hipster goaltenders:

9. A petition to prevent President Donald Trump from making an official visit to the United Kingdom was exceeded a million signatures. Even worse, when Trump counted, it was over 3 million signatures.

10. Ollie, a 25-pound bobcat escaped from the National Zoo in D.C. on Monday. Man, if only there were a professional pussy grabber around Washington to capture him.

April 6, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. A Stanford University team determined that when human subjects are instructed to touch the private areas of a human-like robot, the humans become aroused. The study was conducted by following Ann Romney around for a week.

2. A woman was rescued Monday morning from the restroom at the West Waco library where she had been trapped since Saturday evening. So good luck to that woman in explaining to her friends in Texas how she got stuck in a bathroom and what a library is.

3. Icelandic Prime Minister Sigmundur Gunnlaugsson stepped down Tuesday as a result of the Panama Papers leaks that linked him to an offshore tax shelter. The Prime Minister resigned after failing to convince the Icelandic people that the Sigmundur Gunnlaugsson mentioned in the papers was a different Sigmundur Gunnlaugsson.

4. According to a new Reuters poll, Ted Cruz and Donald Trump are in a “dead heat” now for the Republican presidential nomination. Note to Reuters, in the future, you might want to use a different phrase, because you got my hopes up until I read the word ‘heat.’

5. Mexico’s government on Tuesday unexpectedly changed two of its top officials responsible for U.S. relations, citing concerns about an increasingly anti-Mexican climate across the border. Although Donald Trump was disappointed when those two new open positions were filled by Mexicans.

6. Facebook is launching a new feature that will describe an image, so that visually impaired people will be able to hear, and therefore visualize, what’s in a photo posted on the social network. The feature a just a recording of someone saying “It’s another picture of your friend’s ugly baby” played on a loop.

7. Surgeons in Brazil saved a man’s hand from being amputated by having it sewn into his stomach. I believe we have a picture of the patient resting comfortably post-surgery:

8. Twitter is offering a new feature that will make it easier for users to share tweets privately with friends. Or, as they are more commonly known, texts, you invented texts, Twitter.

9. According to a new report, European Union citizens spend over $27.28 billion on illicit drugs every year. Which can only mean one thing, Keith Richards hasn’t given up his European citizenship.

10. According to a joint statement, actress Drew Barrymore and her husband Will Kopelman are divorcing. So, it sounds like Kopelman finally got around to seeing “Blended.”

August 13, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. The International Astronomical Union is offering the public a chance to choose the name for 20 far away planetary systems that include 15 stars and 32 exoplanets. “Please, just number them,” said 4th grade science students.

2. The International Astronomical Union is offering the public a chance to choose the name for 20 far away planetary systems that include 15 stars and 32 exoplanets. Said Bill Clinton, “I’d like to name one after my wife because she too is a distant, cold being on which no man can survive.”

3. On Wednesday, Forbes magazine named Maria Sharapova the highest paid female athlete, raking in $29.2 million. A woman hasn’t been paid that much money for grunting since Charlie Sheen was in his hey-day.

4. Authorities have accused Brandi Lee Weaver-Gates, Miss Pennsylvania U.S International, of faking cancer as part of an elaborate scheme to raise thousands of dollars. Authorities became suspicious when her talent portion was money laundering.

5. According to EW, actress Sofia Vergara has been cast as Bart Simpson’s teacher in an upcoming episode of “the Simpsons.” “Who cares?” said Smithers.

6. On Tuesday, New Hampshire reversed course by allowing voters to take ‘ballot selfies’ while in the voting booth. But please note, it is still illegal to post a picture of your ‘hanging chad.’

7. On Wednesday, Arkansas bought drugs it planned to use for lethal injections as it moves ever closer to ending a decade-long hiatus in executions. Although if you had told me those drugs were being used so that there are less people from Arkansas in the world, I would have chipped in a few bucks.

8. A leading scientist recently said that sex with robots will be common-place in fifty years. At which point Ann Romney will be regarded as a trailblazer.

9. Yesterday, Bristol Palin announced on her blog that she is supporting Donald Trump for president. So if you take your voting cues from Bristol Palin, you were probably already voting for Trump anyway.

10. According to a new survey, ‘moist’ is the word that women find the most unpleasant. Which may explains why the Pillsbury Doughboy is still single.

October 15, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, on Twitter, singer Demi Lovato jokingly announced that she agreed to marry a five-year-old fan who proposed to her at her last concert. Because, apparently, if you’re underage and ask someone named Demi to marry you, they have to say yes.

2. Alyssa Carson, a 13-year-old girl from Louisiana, has made it her life’s goal to be the first person on Mars. Well, to be more specific, her life’s goal is to get as far away as humanly possible from Louisiana.

3. Former presidential candidate Mitt Romney publicly posted a love letter to his wife, Ann, Tuesday on social media. In the letter, Mitt said he couldn’t imagine his life without her, but, since he’s Mormon, he could imagine a life with several additional Anns.

4. Vice President Joe Biden, in a closed-door meeting with black clergy members in South Carolina, reportedly referred to himself as “the only white boy on the east side of Wilmington,” growing up. Which is still much better than the previous nickname he gave himself, “the Fresh Prince of Delaware.”

5. A finalist to head the largest U.S. Native American tribe will remain on the ballot despite a ruling last week that he should be disqualified for refusing to prove his fluency in the Navajo language. So now the names on the ballot are “Sitting Bear,” “Wandering Eagle” and “Bob.”

6. The Supreme Court has taken up a North Carolina case over whether the state dental board has the authority to regulate teeth-whitening services. Or, as it is more commonly known in North Carolina, tooth-whitening services.

7. On Tuesday, a suspected bank robber named Richard Gordon walked out of a Washington state bank with stolen cash and then waited outside the building until police arrived and arrested him. Said Gordon, “Lesson learned, Uber is not a reliable getaway vehicle.”

8. A gun-slinging Alaska wildlife manager chased off a massive polar bear that broke into a house in a remote community to eat from a drum of seal oil yesterday. Luckily, someone got a picture of the whole ordeal, so now Alaska has a new state crest.

9. According to estimates, adult Halloween costumes will outsell kids’ costumes by $320 million this year. Which is weird, because I’m pretty sure most of the costumes I see women wearing were made for kids.

10. Amal Alamuddin, George Clooney’s new wife, is now Amal Clooney according to her law firm’s website. She decided to shorten her name from the much longer George Clooney’s wife Amal Alamuddin.