January 6, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, a Kentucky woman gave her probation officer a dog urine sample during a drug screening. Officials became suspicious when her tests came back positive for snausages.

2. During a rally on Friday, President Trump warned his supporters that his Democratic opponents would tear down crosses. Although I’m not sure uppercase T’s count as crosses: 

3. Presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg on Tuesday said his campaign had unknowingly used prison workers to make telephone calls on his behalf. Although, I think they would have been more effective if they had been knocking on doors instead:

4. Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein underwent back surgery last week. Here’s hoping for a quick recovery … for the doctors who had to see him naked. 

5. President Trump on Friday blasted the magazine founded by the late Reverend Billy Graham after the publication called for him to be removed from office. Said Trump, “That magazine isn’t even worthy of being rolled up by a stripper to be spanked with.”

6. Russian President Vladimir Putin again invited President Trump to visit Moscow in the coming year. The prostitutes are already preparing for Donald’s arrival:

7. President Trump said on Tuesday he would be happy to have a trial in the Senate following his impeachment in the House, but that he did not really care. Trump has such little interest in the matter that he has nicknamed it ‘Tiffany.’

8. On Monday, doctors to Bernie Sanders said the presidential hopeful passed a stress test. That story again, apparently there are no visual components to stress tests:

9. A recent study found that a Google artificial intelligence system proved as good as expert radiologists at detecting which women had breast cancer. “Great, now all women can share my experience of what it’s liked to get felt up by a robot,” said Ann Romney.

10. Disney World employees who portray costumed characters have filed incident reports with police, claiming tourists inappropriately touched them. “When you’re a star, they just let you do it,” said one Donald to another.

11. According to reports, actress Lori Loughlin is reportedly practicing martial arts so she’ll be ready for prison. Or, more likely:

12. A Chinese court sentenced the scientist who created the world’s first “gene-edited” babies to three years in prison. Apparently now you can get sent to jail for making babies that shouldn’t exist, so better lawyer up Mr. and Mrs. Bieber.

13. A Chinese court sentenced the scientist who created the world’s first “gene-edited” babies to three years in prison on Monday for illegally practicing medicine. “Wait, you can legally practice medicine?” said this guy:

14. According to a new study, almost 1 in 18 women have experienced sexual harassment in the workplace. This study was conducted anywhere other than “The Today Show”:

15. Newsweek has published a new article profiling an experimental study conducted 20 years ago that observed eight couples having sex in an MRI scanner. So now you have something other than that tumor to worry about, next person in that scanner. 

16. Newsweek has published a new article profiling an experimental study conducted 20 years ago that observed eight couples having sex in an MRI scanner. The study concluded that you should never let give the night janitor keys to the MRI room.

November 17, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump does not want to live full-time at the White House, but instead, wake up in his own bed in Trump Tower. I assume he wants to wake up in his own bed so he, like many Americans, can at least for a split-second pretend like this was all just a bad dream.

2. On Wednesday, Republican President-elect Donald Trump rejected reports that he was trying to get top-level security clearances for his children. Because ‘children’ implies plural:trump-ivanka

3. A Pennsylvania judge on Wednesday rejected comedian Bill Cosby’s latest bid seeking the dismissal of criminal charges that he sexually assaulted a woman at his home in 2004. Although I bet Cosby keeps trying, because, if I know one thing about him, it’s that he doesn’t take ‘no’ for an answer.

4. Singer Tony Bennett revealed in his new book that he ‘met’ his wife when her mother was still pregnant with her. Needless-to-say, Woody Allen is suing him for plagiarism.

5. Yesterday, rapper Iggy Azalea joked that she has “the best vagina in the world.” “I’ll be the judge of that,” said President-elect Trump loosening up his hand.

6. Mattel announced yesterday that they are making a version of Barbie based off of plus-size model Ashley Graham. “I thought I explained this to you, changing her body type isn’t gonna make a difference,” said Ken.

7. A new study has found that drinking a glass of wine before having a cigarette can help prevent some of the harm caused by smoking. So, at this point, Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb might as well take up smoking.

8. A new study has found the blood from teenagers can rejuvenate the body and brains of old mice. Although the method is risky, especially if Minnie catches Mickey with those teens.

9. Entertainment Weekly reported that actor Corey Feldman proposed to his girlfriend right after Donald Trump’s presidential victory. Smart move Corey, get ‘em when they’re most vulnerable.
 
10. It was announced yesterday that Paula Abdul, New Kids on the Block and Boyz II Men will all go on tour together next year. Unless, of course, their demands are met.

June 3, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. All four cities vying to host the 2024 Olympic games have advanced to the next stage of campaigning as the International Olympic Commission found no major flaws in their bids. That story again, all the checks cleared.

2. A new online game called Surgeon Simulator allows users to operate on presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump. The program initially had Jeb Bush as the patient, but he was DOA every time.

3. A ghost-hunting tour in the U.K. accidentally stumbled upon a porn that was being shot in a graveyard. Which makes sense since the all actors were dead on the inside.

4. A 43-year-old man is claiming that his twenty-nine Miley Cyrus tattoos are preventing him from getting a girlfriend. Which isn’t true, his first Miley Cyrus tattoo did that, the other twenty-eight were just overkill.

5. According to reports, conservative commentator Bill Kristol is considering choosing David French, a staff writer with National Review magazine and a constitutional lawyer, to run as an independent presidential candidate. So remember the name David French, because if you do, you’ll be the only one.

6. A number of parking lots in China have introduced “female only” parking spaces. “Here we go again,” said North Carolina.

7. School officials in Mobile, Alabama are looking into allegations that a teacher administered a math test that may have been racist. Whoa, whoa, whoa, since when have they been teaching math in Alabama?

8. A former Miss Turkey was handed a 14-month suspended prison sentence on Tuesday for insulting Turkish President Tayyip Erdogan through a poem she shared on Instagram. But, come on, give her some credit, do you know how hard it is to rhyme ‘Tayyip Erdogan’?

9. A couple in their eighties have finally tied the knot after dating for over forty years. So, I guess, the answer to the age old question of why buy the cow is because the milk has turned sour.

10. Just one day after saying he’d love to debate Bernie Sanders, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump changed his mind and said he would not debate the Democrat. Between this and his flip-flops on gun control and abortion, Trump doesn’t have time to debate Bernie when he’s so busy arguing with himself.

11. Last week, Utah police cited a man who was running around nude with bells hanging from his genitals. “This is not how I wanted to get my wings,” said one angel.

12. A Florida fifth-grader, who may have had a hit list, could face murder charges, after she poisoned a classmate’s water using bleach. The teacher should have known something was up when the student ended every show-and-tell with “You didn’t see nothing.”

13. An Arkansas man proposed to his girlfriend by creating a level on the Super Mario Brothers video game that popped the question to her. The couple will be honeymooning in her parent’s basement.

14. A five-year old boy’s missing hamster was discovered by a doctor dead in the back-fat of his mother who weighs over 700 pounds. So, in hindsight, the boy probably shouldn’t have named him lucky.

15. Over the weekend, to mark their 100th anniversary Nathan’s sold hot dogs for a nickel at its famous Coney Island stand. “I remember when they only cost a quarter,” said a very confused old man.

16. On Friday, Texas Congressman Louie Gohmert took to the floor of the House of Representatives to argue that homosexuals shouldn’t be allowed in outer space. Which seems like a direct shot at Lance Bass.

17. Last week, a man in West Virginia wearing a ‘#1 DAD’ t-shirt used his daughter as a human shield after robbing a bank. But maybe the daughter wouldn’t have been in that situation if she had bought her dad an actual shield instead of that stupid shirt.

18. Last week, scientists in Australia discovered seven new species of peacock spiders. Although, they can’t be too good at peacocking if they’re just being discovered now.

19. The National Park Service is calling part of the Petersburg National Battlefield, the site of a bloody Civil War battle, “an active crime scene” due to a large number of freshly dug excavation pits. Authorities are blaming it on looters or the South has literally risen again.

20. Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg just submitted plans to tear down and rebuild four of the houses surrounding his Palo Alto home. Or, as he refers to it, adjusting his privacy settings.

21. A group of artists unveiled a huge mural of David Bowie in Sarajevo on Saturday. Not because of Bowie’s death, but because they just got his music there.

22. Alex Rodriguez’s 8-year-old daughter Ella filled out a Parent’s Day school assignment by answering questions about her famous father, including “the craziest thing my dad ever did was cut an apple for me.” So, needless to say, she she failed that assignment.

23. The vinyl edition of “The Force Awakens” soundtrack has spinning holograms etched into the record. Even better, if you play it backwards, it says “Jar Jar Binks is dead.”

24. According to reports, singer Gwen Stefani turned down boyfriend and fellow-singer Blake Shelton’s marriage proposal. It was gut wrenching, Shelton popped the question and Stefani didn’t turn her chair around.

25. A Japanese company has invented a robotic suitcase that retails for $650 and follows its owner around like a dog. “Can you teach them to fight?” said Michael Vick.

26. According to an annual ranking of airports, Newark International Airport is the most miserable airport. Although, somehow, it’s still the best place in New Jersey.

27. Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has taken to calling presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump “Mr. Macho.” Said Trump, “Oh, that hurts, is that what it feels like when someone calls you a name? Wow, I’m a monster.”

28. Disney has vowed legal action against a Chinese theme park that has been using knock-off versions of their characters. The characters are not exactly the same, for instance, Mickey has been changed to Marky, Minnie is now Marnie and Pluto is lunch.

29. This week, a duck graduated from an elementary school in Florida. Although, at this point, the “in Florida” part seems redundant.

January 26, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, Ben Cohen, one half of Ben & Jerry’s, endorsed Bernie Sanders for president by unveiling a new ice cream flavor called “Bernie’s Yearning.” It is expected to sell better than “Trumps Clumps.”

2. Prices at 137 Walmart stores set to close on January 28 have been slashed by 50%. Which means, at this point, Walmart will pay you to take Nickelback’s latest album off their hands.

3. Eight museum employees will be charged with negligence after a botched reattachment of the beard on King Tutankhamun’s mask. King Tut’s beard is very identifiable and known all around the world, much like Abraham Lincoln’s infamous chin-strap and Kelly Preston.

4. According to a new study, infants and preschoolers who gain weight rapidly may have higher-than-average high blood pressure later in childhood. Although, if their blood pressure is really high, there’s not gonna be a “later in childhood.”

5. An exhibit highlighting the fashion of Minnie Mouse has opened up in downtown Los Angeles. Of course, you’d have a lot more closet space, and thus options, if your husband didn’t own any pants too.

6. A 92-year-old World War II vet plans on traveling to Australia to reunite with his war-time girlfriend. Said the man’s angry wife, “Is that what you meant by ‘spending a lot of time in the fox hole’?”

7. According to experts, the mosquito-borne Zika virus, linked to brain damage in thousands of babies in Brazil, is likely to spread to the U.S. Although, by the looks of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” it may already be here.

8. In an interview published on Monday, President Obama said Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders has had the “luxury of being a complete long shot” so far in the race to be the Democratic presidential candidate. Which, I guess, means Martin O’Malley is a shoe-in.

9. Despite breaking his arm in Sunday’s NFC Championship game, Carolina Panthers All-Pro linebacker Thomas Davis said he will play in the SuperBowl. Meanwhile, I stubbed my toe yesterday and called in sick to work for the entire week.

10. To mark the Year of the Monkey, a Monkey School in South Korea put on performances by several of the trained animals. Finally answering age-old question, is there a South Korean equivalent to Arizona State University?

Monologue Jokes – August 7, 2013

1. On Tuesday, the FBI said a former Manhattan madam who is running for New York City comptroller was arrested and charged with selling prescription pills. When CNN posted a headline including the phrases “New York City comptroller race,” “madam” and “arrested,” Elliot Spitzer had a heart attack.

2. Sixteen candidates are competing in a primary race that will produce two contenders for mayor of debt-laden Detroit. Proving there are at least sixteen people left in Detroit.

3. Yesterday it was reported that Oscar-winning actor Dustin Hoffman underwent treatment for cancer. When reached for comment, Hoffman’s ex-wife said, “I don’t know the details, but I can guarantee it’s not the same kind of cancer Michael Douglas had.”

4. A woman has posted an offer on a French website to breast-feed babies of homosexual male couples for 100 euros. Begging the question, where can I rent a baby?

5. A nurse on Tuesday accused San Diego mayor Bob Filner of rubbing her arm in his office and asking for dinner dates in exchange for his helping a brain-injured Iraq War veteran. But, in the mayor’s defense, injured war veterans are one of his turn-ons.

6. A Hawaiian-language activist who was unable to renew his driver’s license after addressing DMV officials in his native tongue is using a traffic court case to push for the hiring of more Hawaiian speakers in government positions. So, if the next time you walk into the DMV, you’re greeted with an “aloha” get ready for a really long day.

7. On Tuesday, Facebook announced a tweak to its News Feed that will take a popular story and put it back at the top of your feed to make sure you don’t miss it. Which explains Facebook’s new slogan “Facebook, working tirelessly to make pictures of your friends’ kids unavoidable.”

8. Former President George W. Bush underwent a procedure Tuesday morning to have a stent placed in his heart one day after a blockage was discovered in an artery. When reached for comment, Dick Cheney, who was Vice President during Bush’s eight years in office, said, “What’s a heart?”

9. The Walt Disney Company expects to lose between $160 and $190 million on its summer movie bomb “The Lone Ranger.” To make ends meet Minnie is hooking.

10. In a press conference before taking the field for the first time in 2013, embattled baseball player Alex Rodriguez said he wanted “to thank [his] family, friends and fans who have stood by [his] side through all of this.” A-Rod proceeded to thank each of his remaining fans individually, which only took a few seconds.

Monologue Jokes – July 26, 2013

1. Earlier this week, comedian Jimmy Fallon and his wife welcomed their first child, a baby girl. Whereupon, she was immediately captured and held for ransom by Jay Leno.

2. According to a poll released on Thursday, the recent controversy surrounding Anthony Weiner has cost him the lead in the New York City mayoral race. Said Weiner, “You realize if I don’t get this job, I’ll just have more free time on my hands, right?”

3. According to a poll released on Thursday, the recent controversy surrounding Anthony Weiner has cost him the lead in the New York City mayoral race. When asked why they switched their support of Weiner, many voters said, “I thought he leaned left, but according to some of the pictures I’ve seen…”

4. According to a new study, exercise-based rehabilitation programs for heart patients are tied to health benefits, even among the most elderly. “Does shooting your friend in the face count as exercise?” said Dick Cheney.

5. According to court papers released on Thursday, the body of the man that Aaron Hernandez is accused of murdering was found with the keys to a black Chevy that Hernandez had rented. Also found on the man’s body, bullets that belonged to Hernandez. (allegedly)

6. A 320-pound, 50-year-old sea turtle was packed in a customized FedEx crate to be shipped to Las Vegas on Thursday to give it a better home at a luxury casino. If you want to catch a glimpse of the turtle, it will be at the Luxor buffet for the next week, or until they run out of that sweet-sweet turtle meat.

7. Being rude to the French president is no longer an offense after parliament agreed on Thursday to amend legislation dating back to 1881. Wait, this whole time, that was French people being polite?

8. Lonely dogs left at home all day while their owners are at work will now have some company as a TV channel programmed just for dogs will soon hit the airwaves. Which is great news, because every time I leave my TV on the E! channel and an episode of the Kardashians comes on, my dog takes a shit on my rug.

9. On Thursday, Alex Rodriguez and the New York Yankees agreed on a timetable for his return. So keep an eye out for pigs taking flight.

10. On Thursday, Alex Rodriguez and the New York Yankees agreed on a timetable for his return, a day after a disagreement that stemmed from Rodriguez seeking a second medical opinion to support his desire to return to the team immediately. Although it was suspicious that the second opinion came from the Boston Red Sox team doctor.

11. Scientists say they have, for the first time, generated false memory in mice by manipulating brain cells that encode that information. “Great, now can you get Minnie to forget a few things,” said Mickey.