March 9, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Actor and former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger endorsed John Kasich for president. Which is a shame, because it means we won’t get to hear Schwarzenegger try to pronounce “Marco Rubio.”

2. In Florida, a woman who was naked from the waist down drove her car into a Waffle House restaurant. And, she was still the the most-overdressed person at that Waffle House.

3. On Monday, a 10-year-old boy, born without hands or lower legs was signed by his favorite baseball team, the New York Yankees. The boy said he became a Yankees fan because you don’t need arms or legs to boo A-Rod.

4. Bernie Sanders has sued Ohio’s secretary of state over what it calls an unconstitutional attempt to prevent young people from voting in the state’s primary. Which is a pretty big deal because Bernie considers anyone under 65 to be a ‘young voter.’

5. According to new research, taking off your bra may lead to firmer, healthier breasts. Said researchers, “No, no, slower … now, arch your back a little.”

6. According to a new study, children who skip lunch may not be getting enough vitamins and minerals from the rest of their meals. But, to be fair, there are only so many hours in the day and those iPads aren’t gonna make themselves.

7. According to a new study, U.S. workers without paid sick leave are more likely to keep going to work when they’re sick and to forgo medical care. Researchers made this discovery by eating at Chipotle.

8. On Tuesday, model Naomi Campbell received the “Women Leading Change” award to mark International Women’s Day. Said her assistant, “Great, another blunt object for her to use.”

9. According to the adult website PornHub, the most searched for term in 30 of the 50 states is “lesbian.” And, in unrelated news, Hillary Clinton has bought more pant-suits.

10. On Sunday, Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio won the primary held in Puerto Rico. Although, if you ask me, the real winner was Donald Trump for not saying something super-racist about it.

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