May 13, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a recent interview, Dr. Ben Carson said it’s not going to be a problem finding a running mate for Donald Trump. Which makes sense because he’s got files full of people with severe brain injuries.

2. This week, a couple in California spent $65,000 on a Harry Potter-themed wedding. And, it sounds like it went well, because later that night the groom finally caught the bride’s golden snitch.

3. A man in the U.K. was arrested last week for teaching his girlfriend’s dog to give the Nazi salute when he gave the command “sieg heil.” He also taught the dog to roll over whenever he said “France.”

4. A man in the U.K. was arrested last week for teaching his girlfriend’s Corgi dog to give the Nazi salute when he gave the command “sig hiel.” Although the man is claiming it wasn’t him but the new crowd the dog is running with:
german sheppards

5. This week, Golden State’s Stephen Curry won his second NBA MVP award in a row, becoming the first player in NBA history to win with a unanimous vote. The last time that many people voted in such an overwhelming majority it was for Jeb Bush not to be president.

6. According to a new poll, Donald Trump is less popular than head lice. Parasitic head lice are organisms that survive by living off a stronger host organism, or, as it is known in politics, Chris Christie:

7. George Zimmerman is auctioning off the gun he used to kill Trayvon Martin. Zimmerman said he is doing that to remind people that, despite not being in the news for a while, he is still a giant piece of shit.

8. 84-year-old reporter Morley Safer announced this week that he is retiring from TV news magazine “60 Minutes.” Safer said he wants to spend more time with his family while he still remembers who they are.

9. A live action TV-series based on the long-running comic book “Archie” is set to debut next year. But hasn’t America had enough of seeing Jughead on their TVs:

10. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said on Thursday that he and Speaker of the House Paul Ryan largely agree on issues of border security, trade and beefing up the military. The one point they disagree on is Trump being president.

11. On Wednesday, Newt Gingrich said he would not rule out the possibility of being persuaded to serve as Donald Trump’s vice presidential running mate. And by ‘persuaded’ he means ‘asked.’

12. A woman in Virginia plans to celebrate her 100th birthday by pole dancing. That story again, a woman’s 100th birthday was very sparsely attended.

13. In an interview that aired Wednesday, Vice President Joe Biden said, had he run, he would have been the ‘best president.’ Which, according to Biden, is just below President Obama, who was the ‘bestest president.’

14. A dating website is pledging to match Americans who can’t live with a Donald Trump presidency to Canadians looking for love. Which I’m pretty sure is how Heidi Cruz met Ted.

15. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said on Monday he has chosen New Jersey Governor Chris Christie to lead his White House transition team as he prepares for the general election campaign. Which should make for a smooth transition unless there are any bridges to cross.

16. This week the National Labor Relations Board ruled that employers cannot force employees to be happy at work. Or, as it’s known at the Walgreens on my block, business as usual.

17. A new study has found the most common names for male criminals are Juan and Jeremy. Although I’m sure Donald Trump pronounces both names with a soft ‘J.’

18. A new report shows that Puerto Ricans are moving off the island in record numbers, with an average of 230 people leaving a day. “230 Hispanics leaving a day? What’s your secret?” said Trump.

19. San Antonio Spurs headcoach Greg Popovich said sometimes he leaves center Boris Diaw on the court during blowout wins so he can lose some weight. As opposed to the Knicks head coach who leaves his players on the court for public shaming purposes.

20. Presidential candidate Donald Trump has started outlining what he hopes to accomplish during his first 100 days in office. That seems pretty presumptuous for him to assume the country will still exist 100 days into his presidency.

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