December 18, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. The fifth Republican presidential debate took place on Tuesday in Las Vegas. It was the one night a year in Vegas where if you said “I’m interested in craps,” you’d have to be more specific.

2. Tuesday night’s Republican presidential debate drew 18 million viewers, beating the season finale of “The Voice.” Which I would say is a great sign for this country if I didn’t know who was leading the Republican polls.

3. In a new poll, Americans said, of the Republican presidential candidates, Donald Trump would make the best Santa. The poll was conducted by asking Donald Trump who would make the best Santa.

4. According to a new study, a majority of parents think they are doing a great job. Said Dina Lohan, “I have kids!?!”

5. New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio launched a new program on Thursday to reduce the city’s rising population of people living on the streets. The new initiative is entitled “A bus ticket to Jersey.”

6. The White House on Thursday called for “common sense steps” to help Puerto Rico claw out of its fiscal crisis. God I hope step one is “No more parades.”

7. BMW is recalling its “Baby Racer” ride-on children’s toy car because a sticker showing the brand’s logo could be peeled off the steering wheel and choke toddlers. Although, if your toddler is so douchey that he’s already driving a BMW, maybe that’s for the best.

8. On Thursday, the National Football League signed a deal with Snapchat, the mobile app where photos, videos and messages disappear in seconds. Or, to put it in NFL terms, longer than a suspension for domestic violence.

9. On Thursday, Russian president Vladimir Putin said suspended FIFA President Sepp Blatter was “a very respected person” and deserved a Nobel Peace Prize. So I think I finally get it, Putin has no idea what the word ‘peace’ means.

10. Tickets for Adele’s first concert tour of North America in five years sold out within minutes for venues on the U.S. East Coast on Thursday. Said the ticket rep to the disappointed fans, “Dude, you’re not getting Adele.”

11. Yesterday, a 34-year old slice of cake from the royal wedding of Britain’s Princess Diana and Prince Charles went up for auction. Said Chris Christie, “Not that’s a tragedy, a piece of cake sitting around uneaten for 34 years.”

12. According to a new poll, Newark International Airport is the country’s least favorite airport. Unless, of course, you’re using it to fly out of New Jersey, then it’s the best.

13. A woman in India last week named her newborn son “Uber” after delivering the child while using the ride sharing app. So congratulations to the new mother and my apologies to whoever hailed that car after her.

14. A company on Amazon has started selling Star Wars-themed condoms. Although Star Wars fans already have a very effective tool used for sexual protection, it’s called being a Star Wars fan.

15. According to a new study, after menopause, more than half of women have vulvovaginal symptoms like itching, burning, stinging, pain, irritation, dryness, discharge, or odor. You can read more about it in a medical journal that hopefully doesn’t have any pictures.

16. According to a new study, kids as young as 13 may be inundated with daily ads from the alcohol industry on social media. “Could you be more specific about which social media you’re talking about?” said Jared Fogel.

17. Time magazine released outtakes from a cover-shoot with had with Donald Trump and a bald eagle, including a video of the bird attacking Trump. Apparently the eagle became upset when Trump offered it unsolicited advice on how to comb over its hair so it wouldn’t be bald anymore.

18. In a recent interview, Burt Reynolds criticized fellow-actor Charlie Sheen by saying he deserved to get HIV. Begging the question, what terrible thing did the American public do to deserve three “Smokey and the Bandit” films?

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