February 3, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump said on Monday the United States and China were in close contact regarding the newly identified coronavirus outbreak. “Close contact? Be careful, you might contract something,” said China:

 2. Last week, scientists discovered four new species of sharks that walk. Scientists made this discovery by showing the movie “Cats” to a bunch of sharks and watching them walk out of the theater. 

3. ‘Rolling Stone’ reported this week that during a listening party for his new record, singer Justin Bieber cried during the album’s playback. Crying because you’re being forced to listen to Justin Bieber music is the most relatable Justin Bieber has ever been. 

4. London’s first cheese-themed hotel opened last week. There are only rooms for one, because if your lifestyle makes you want to sleep in a cheese hotel, you’re probably provolone. 

5. NASA recently announced that it wants to put a female astronaut on the moon by 2024. While Mike Pence wants to put all women there by 2025.

6. Author Mary Higgins Clark, known as the ‘Queen of Suspense,’ died on Friday at the age of 92. Or did she? 

7. Doctors have issued a warning telling young men not to masturbate using banana peels, which has become a trend circulating on social media. Otherwise you may find out just how curious George really is.

8. Former National Security Adviser John Bolton has announced that his forthcoming tell-all book will be called “The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir.” It will be the first book told entirely from the Presidential bathroom. 

9. Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg has already spend over a quarter of a billion dollars on campaign ads. It’s all part of Bloomberg’s plan to be more omni-present and annoying than Flo from Progressive. 

10. Border agents arrested a 36-year-old US citizen this week after finding 222 pounds of liquid meth in his truck. To give you an idea, this is what 222 pounds of meth looks like:

11. A man in China recently ate several live eels in an attempt to cure his constipation. “No matter how this ends, it’s gonna be my problem” said the aquarium’s janitor.

12. Last week, it was announced on Twitter that Mr. Peanut, the 104-year old mascot of the Planters snack food company, has died. Although the timing of his death is suspicious since it came so quickly after the release of this photo:

13. An ad appearing in the Waze navigation app is misdirecting motorists trying to get to Atlantic City’s Borgata Casino into the wilderness of New Jersey instead. The ad is actually from the Borgata, specifically the casino’s collections department:

14. Soccer star Megan Rapinoe recently appeared on the cover of ‘Sports Illustrated’ wearing a dress and holding a sledgehammer. “So it was the swimsuit edition,” said lesbians.

15. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. During the first episode Gunther calls the cops on the six black people for loitering in the coffee shop. 

16. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. Great news, we already have our Rachel:

17. Tinder is adding new safety features, including a panic button that alerts safety authorities if something goes wrong during a date. That’s crazy because it implies that something could go right on a Tinder date.

18. “Doctor Who” made history with its first ever black Doctor, who was revealed during Sunday night’s episode. Unfortunately it was Dr. Conrad Murray:

19. Twitter said on Monday accounts of several NFL teams, including the San Francisco 49ers and Kansas City Chiefs, were hacked, ahead of the Super Bowl. And apparently the Cleveland Browns:

20. President Trump tweeted in Arabic and Hebrew this week to promote his new Middle East peace deal. Begging the question, how can you even tell in Trump’s tweets are in a different language:

21. According to reports, Queen Elizabeth initially wanted to demote Prince Harry to an Earl upon hearing his decision to leave the Royal Family. “Vicious burn!” said the whitest people you know. 

22. A woman was arrested last week after attempting to sneak into the U.S. from Canada by running through a library that straddles the border between Quebec and Vermont. Police suspected she wasn’t American because she was in a library.

March 4, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, the IOC announced that a team comprised solely of refugees will compete in this year’s Summer Olympics. Donald Trump said he will use the refugees’ results in the pole vault to determine how tall to build the wall.

2. A wearable robotic limb that allows drummers to play their kit with three arms has been invented by researchers. The inventors got the idea for a third arm by watching a video of Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee, one specific video.

3. The Syrian government reported a nationwide power outage Thursday. Speaking as a Time Warner Cable customer, maybe those Syrian refugees and us aren’t that different after all.

4. Five New York women have filed suit against New York’s so-called “tampon tax,” which will levy a 4% “luxury tax” on feminine hygiene products. No word on whether New York citizen Donald Trump would also have to pay the tax since he is a huge douchebag.

5. An Ohio man who killed his roommate and ate part of his brain almost 40 years ago was denied parole for the sixth time. And no one was more disappointed by the decision than his current cellmate.

6. North Korean leader Kim Jong Un ordered his country to be ready to use its nuclear weapons at any time in the face of growing threats from its enemies. Which is bad news for South Korea and even worst news for Jong Un’s barber.

7. Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio won his first ever primary on Super Tuesday in Minnesota. And you never forget your first, which is why it sucks when your first is Minnesota.

8. Yesterday, after a year in space, astronaut Scott Kelly touched down in Houston to discover he is now a full inch taller than his identical twin brother Mark Kelly. “Put me down for five years in space,” said Kevin Hart.

9. On Tuesday, Donald Trump Jr., the son of Donald Trump, appeared on a white supremacist radio talk show. Afterwhich, an apology was immediately issued reading, “Sorry we couldn’t book a better guest.”

10. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump recently said no one has done more for equality than he has. Which is true, because Trump called both Mexicans and Puerto Ricans “garbage people.”

11. On Tuesday, a spokesman for the Ivy League said the league’s football programs are considering banning tackling in practices due to health concerns. “Shit, why end there, we got rid of tackling during games,” said a spokesperson for the Cleveland Browns.

12. MSNBC’s Melissa Harris-Perry is refusing to host her show this Saturday after consecutive weeks in which her show was replaced by general news programming. So if you were one of the loyal viewers of Harris-Perry’s program, hi people who fell asleep with their TV on.

13. In a recent interview, model Cheryl Tiegs said that she thinks fashion’s increasing acceptance of full-figured women sends a bad message, referencing a plus-size model’s appearance on the 2016 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover. If that’s the case, don’t let Tiegs see the cover of any O Magazine, ever.

14. On Friday, Gianni Infantino was elected the new president of FIFA, replacing previous president Sepp Blatter after a tumultuous year. It’s funny, because even though I know that, I keep writing ‘Sepp’ on all my bribery checks.

15. After being elected the new president of FIFA, Gianni Infantino said, “I want to look in the eyes of kids who are smiling because they have a ball to play with.” “Careful what you wish for,” said Jerry Sandusky.

16. On Saturday, “Fifty Shades of Grey” won the Razzie for worst film of the year. Which means, not even the Razzie judges watched “Pixels.”

17. Police in Amsterdam arrested a gang of drug dealers who used two fully-grown crocodiles to guard their money. An idea, that I’m sure when first was suggested, began and ended with the phrase, “Now, please pass the cocaine.”

18. According to a report, Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning is expected to announce his retirement from football this week. “Wait, I thought other people announced that for you,” said Tim Tebow.

19. The Supreme Court had a power outage during one of its cases on Tuesday. Said Chief Justice Roberts, “The lights are turned down, I’m wearing a robe, now let me see those briefs.”

20. Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz is trying to tie fellow-candidate Donald Trump to a prominent mobster. While Donald Trump is trying to tie Ted Cruz to a pair of cement shoes.