July 7, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Over the weekend, singer Billy Joel, 66, married long-time girlfriend, Alexis Roderick, 34. Said Joel, “I’m at a stage in my life where I want to settle down and have a permanent designated driver.”

2. Over the weekend, singer Billy Joel, 66, married long-time girlfriend, Alexis Roderick, 34. Roderick is hoping that not only the good die young.

3. Amid a growing financial crisis, Greek banks will stay closed for another two days to avoid running out of cash. Turns out building a culture around breaking kitchen plates for no reason was a bad idea.

4. On Monday, Susannah Mushatt Jones of Alabama, the world’s oldest person, turned 116. Jones was born in 1899 and has seen a lot of change in her lifetime, except for in South Carolina.

5. Today Hillary Clinton will give the first nationally televised interview of her presidential campaign. To see the interview in its entirety, tune into CNN, and to see clips taken wildly out of context, tune into FoxNews.

6. Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton accused China on Saturday of stealing commercial secrets and trying to “hack into everything that doesn’t move in America.” “Oh, Fuck!” said Chris Christie.

7. After days of outrage, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said on Monday that some of his criticism of Mexico has been distorted. Adding, “I also hate Puerto Ricans, too!”

8. A new U.S. study found that weight screenings in high schools were not enough to get overweight and obese kids on track toward a healthier weight. “Don’t worry, we’ll take it from here,” said bullies.

9. According to a new survey, many doctors and nurses come to work sick even though they knew it puts patients at risk. Also, it’s great for drumming up repeat business.

10. After 24-year-old golfer Danny Lee won the PGA’s Greenbrier tournament on Sunday, he said he was happy to win, but “my one wish is that I had a girlfriend.” Which explains why his grip on his clubs was so strong.

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