1. Presidential contender Rick Perry urged his fellow Republicans on Thursday to work harder to win black votes. Adding, “Because it looks like this whole 15th Amendment thing is here to stay.”
2. According to reports, the Trump Hotel Collection, a string of luxury hotel properties owned by Donald Trump, is the latest victim of a massive credit card breach. Authorities believe a group of highly-skilled and technically savvy cyber criminals is behind the breach while Trump blames the Mexicans.
3. On Tuesday, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie announced he will seek the Republican presidential nomination in 2016, joining a crowded field of 13 candidates who have already announced. Which is weird, because usually when Christie joins a race, he needs a head-start.
4. Yesterday, Chris Christie announced his candidacy for the 2016 presidency in his high school gymnasium. Said Christie, “Oh, that’s what the inside of this place looks like.”
5. On Tuesday, a man in a wheelchair robbed a bank in New York, making off with over $1,200 in cash. Said the bank owner, “I knew I shouldn’t have installed that ramp.”
6. Boxers Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao topped Forbes list of the world’s highest paid celebrities on Monday. The last time someone with that much head trauma was that high on the list, Rihanna was still dating Chris Brown.
7. Police in New York are looking for a man seen on the A train this past week masturbating into his own hat. Well, it’s his hat now.
8. A group of women’s rights activists in Europe are planning to fly a drone into Poland to deliver abortion pills. Which is basically the opposite of the stork.
9. Actor Ben Affleck is attached to a feature film that will focus on the recent corruption scandal in international soccer. So if you like soccer and Ben Affleck movies, you have terrible taste in things.
10. Students attending a college in England have developed a smart condom that glows green if exposed to chlamydia. Because apparently those students don’t understand how traffic lights work.