March 4, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, the IOC announced that a team comprised solely of refugees will compete in this year’s Summer Olympics. Donald Trump said he will use the refugees’ results in the pole vault to determine how tall to build the wall.

2. A wearable robotic limb that allows drummers to play their kit with three arms has been invented by researchers. The inventors got the idea for a third arm by watching a video of Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee, one specific video.

3. The Syrian government reported a nationwide power outage Thursday. Speaking as a Time Warner Cable customer, maybe those Syrian refugees and us aren’t that different after all.

4. Five New York women have filed suit against New York’s so-called “tampon tax,” which will levy a 4% “luxury tax” on feminine hygiene products. No word on whether New York citizen Donald Trump would also have to pay the tax since he is a huge douchebag.

5. An Ohio man who killed his roommate and ate part of his brain almost 40 years ago was denied parole for the sixth time. And no one was more disappointed by the decision than his current cellmate.

6. North Korean leader Kim Jong Un ordered his country to be ready to use its nuclear weapons at any time in the face of growing threats from its enemies. Which is bad news for South Korea and even worst news for Jong Un’s barber.

7. Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio won his first ever primary on Super Tuesday in Minnesota. And you never forget your first, which is why it sucks when your first is Minnesota.

8. Yesterday, after a year in space, astronaut Scott Kelly touched down in Houston to discover he is now a full inch taller than his identical twin brother Mark Kelly. “Put me down for five years in space,” said Kevin Hart.

9. On Tuesday, Donald Trump Jr., the son of Donald Trump, appeared on a white supremacist radio talk show. Afterwhich, an apology was immediately issued reading, “Sorry we couldn’t book a better guest.”

10. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump recently said no one has done more for equality than he has. Which is true, because Trump called both Mexicans and Puerto Ricans “garbage people.”

11. On Tuesday, a spokesman for the Ivy League said the league’s football programs are considering banning tackling in practices due to health concerns. “Shit, why end there, we got rid of tackling during games,” said a spokesperson for the Cleveland Browns.

12. MSNBC’s Melissa Harris-Perry is refusing to host her show this Saturday after consecutive weeks in which her show was replaced by general news programming. So if you were one of the loyal viewers of Harris-Perry’s program, hi people who fell asleep with their TV on.

13. In a recent interview, model Cheryl Tiegs said that she thinks fashion’s increasing acceptance of full-figured women sends a bad message, referencing a plus-size model’s appearance on the 2016 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover. If that’s the case, don’t let Tiegs see the cover of any O Magazine, ever.

14. On Friday, Gianni Infantino was elected the new president of FIFA, replacing previous president Sepp Blatter after a tumultuous year. It’s funny, because even though I know that, I keep writing ‘Sepp’ on all my bribery checks.

15. After being elected the new president of FIFA, Gianni Infantino said, “I want to look in the eyes of kids who are smiling because they have a ball to play with.” “Careful what you wish for,” said Jerry Sandusky.

16. On Saturday, “Fifty Shades of Grey” won the Razzie for worst film of the year. Which means, not even the Razzie judges watched “Pixels.”

17. Police in Amsterdam arrested a gang of drug dealers who used two fully-grown crocodiles to guard their money. An idea, that I’m sure when first was suggested, began and ended with the phrase, “Now, please pass the cocaine.”

18. According to a report, Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning is expected to announce his retirement from football this week. “Wait, I thought other people announced that for you,” said Tim Tebow.

19. The Supreme Court had a power outage during one of its cases on Tuesday. Said Chief Justice Roberts, “The lights are turned down, I’m wearing a robe, now let me see those briefs.”

20. Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz is trying to tie fellow-candidate Donald Trump to a prominent mobster. While Donald Trump is trying to tie Ted Cruz to a pair of cement shoes.

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