April 27, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Street artist Banksy revealed his latest work, a picture that he painted on the wall of his bathroom while under coronavirus quarantine. While my roommate revealed more of a Jackson Pollack in our shared bathroom.

2. An Iowa woman is sewing masks and hanging them on a ‘giving tree’ for anyone to take. In response, President Trump issued an executive order calling for us to plant more mask trees. 

3. Nicaragua’s president hasn’t been seen in public in over a month. In retrospect, it probably wasn’t a good idea to elect Shelly Miscavige as president of Nicaragua.

4. Convicted felon and preacher Jim Bakker recently said that his ministry will be “totally financially broke” within weeks if they don’t receive an influx of donations. Ironically, Bakker being in financial ruins is proof to me that there is a God.

5. Due to the coronavirus, many brides-to-be are now having virtual bachelorette parties. Which oddly means that the stripper is the only person wearing pants at the beginning of the Zoom call. 

6. Newly drafted New England Patriots rookie kicker Justin Rohrwasser has a tattoo on his left arm that resembles the logo of “The Three Percenters,” a right-wing militia group. Luckily drafting a player with troublesome tattoos has never burnt the Patriots before:

7. Peyton Manning, the number one overall pick by Indianapolis in the 1998 NFL Draft, said Sunday that he gave some advice to this year’s number one pick, quarterback Joe Burrow. That advice, be careful of the friends you surround yourself with:

8. Hall of Fame basketball player Michael Jordan will reportedly donate all proceeds he earns from his ‘Last Dance’ documentary to charity. That charity, the Las Vegas Wynn Resort and Casino.

9. According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is brain dead after slipping into a coma during heart surgery. But, on the plus side, he’s still doing better than the doctor who operated on him:

10. President Trump said Tuesday he doesn’t know whether North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un is ill but nevertheless wished him luck. That story again, man with unknown illness wishes Kim Jong Un well.

11. The Supreme Court said on Monday that for the first time it will hear cases argued by teleconference rather than in the courtroom due to the coronavirus. And also partially due to the fact that Gorsuch stopped showering months ago:

12. A village in Indonesia is using volunteers dressed as ghosts to scare people into social distancing. “Yeah … that’s why I’m dressed like this,“ said Stephen Miller:

13. New York Governor Andrew Cuomo said he had a “productive” meeting with President Trump Tuesday at the White House. Adding, “Trump almost solved all of Blue’s clues.”

14. Deaf Americans are urging the White House to use sign language interpreters at coronavirus briefings. Said non-deaf Americans, “Trust me, you don’t want that.”

15. Workers in the port of Antwerp will begin testing wristbands developed that may help guarantee the social distancing required during the COVID-19 pandemic. Although there are much cheaper fashion assessors that will ensure people stay at least six feet away from you:

16. Isolation at home inspired one California family to build an elaborate two-story Rube Goldberg machine. The last time something completely useless took up two stories was everyday for the past three years:

17. The engineers at NASA have developed a ventilator prototype tailored to help coronavirus patients. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, thanks, but we’re drinking bleach now, so we’re all good. 

18. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on Wednesday called the decision for President Donald Trump’s name to appear on stimulus checks amid the coronavirus pandemic “shameful.” She thinks that’s bad, wait til she finds out where he put his name:

19. The Supreme Court said on Monday that for the first time it will hear cases argued by teleconference rather than in the courtroom due to the coronavirus. And Kavanaugh already has his Zoom background picked out:

20. President Trump recently said his decision to reopen the country will be the “toughest decision that he will ever make. Replacing his previous touches decision, original recipe or extra crispy:

21. Last week, actor Tom Hanks sent a letter and a typewriter to an Australian boy who wrote to him about being bullied over his name, Corona. Said the boy, “Thanks Mr. Hanks, it worked. They no longer tease me about my name, now they make fun of me for owning a fucking typewriter in 2020.”

22. It is being reported that actor Tom Hanks is donating his plasma in an effort to find a cure to the coronavirus. Not to be outdone, Hank’s ‘Bosom Buddies’ co-star Peter Scolari is donating his plasma for about twenty bucks.

23. A man in Ohio was seen protesting stay-at-home orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Which means he’s just one poorly-tailored suit away from being President: 

24. A man in Ohio was seen protesting stay-at-home orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Although if you can’t trust your bowels to make it through one protest, maybe you should be staying at home.

25. English soccer player Kyle Walker recently apologized for having a prostitute sex party amid the coronavirus lockdown. “Ew, that’s gross,” said Charlie Sheen of soccer. 

August 26, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A message in a bottle that is over 100 years old washed up on a German beach this week. Unfortunately, the message read, “Send help ASAP.”

2. In a recent interview, actress Mayim Bialik said that “it’s never going to be trendy to be observant or religious in Hollywood.” Unless, of course, the cult you joined that gets publicity by blackmailing closeted, gay actors somehow tricks the federal government into recognizing them as a religion.

3. Polish hammer thrower Pawel Fajdek used the gold medal he won at the World Championships over the weekend to pay for a taxi ride. He wanted to use an Uber, but it was peak hours and his gold medal wasn’t enough to cover the fair.

4. According to a new poll, Republican Jeb Bush’s support is slipping in the race of the party’s presidential nomination. Begging the question, can his dad afford to buy two elections?

5. On Tuesday, a U.S. Appeals Court ruled against a New Jersey law that would have legalized sports betting in the state. So now, the best way to lose money on sports in New Jersey is to buy Jets season tickets.

6. Actress Julianne Moore is heading a petition drive to rename the high school she attended in Virginia, J.E.B. Stuart High School, which honors a Confederate general. Which seems noble until you hear that she wants to rename it Julianne Moore High School.

7. The Napa Valley Wine Train apologized to members of a book club who were upset when they were booted from the luxury rail car for disturbing passengers with their laughter. So maybe reach out to your aunt to see how she’s doing today.

8. According to a new study, the arrest rate for the general U.S. population was nearly twice that of NFL players from 2000 to 2013. Also beating the national arrest rate, every other private business in the country. Congratulations on your meaningless accomplishment, NFL.

9. Former New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson on Sunday said he would endorse Democrat Hillary Clinton in her bid to win the November 2016 presidential election, calling her the best candidate in the running. Unsurprisingly, presidential candidate Donald Trump was angry to hear that there’s also a ‘new’ Mexico.

10. According to a new study, hairdressers who reuse gloves while dying hair risk exposure to chemicals that cause irritation and allergic reactions. Although, if you’re a hairdresser who has to reuse a 50 cent pair of latex gloves, I’m guessing things weren’t going great for you to begin with.

March 16, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. The Milwaukee Brewers have banned their players from high-fifing each other to prevent the spread of a pink-eye outbreak. Despite appearances, the New York Mets haven’t banned high fives, they just haven’t had any reason to celebrate.

2. Atlanta megachurch pastor Creflo Dollar is asking his congregation to sow $300 or more per person to help him achieve his goal of purchasing a private plane. Said Creflo, “It will make the perfect getaway vehicle for when I steal the rest of your money.”

3. Over the weekend Sarah Palin’s daughter Bristol got engaged to Medal of Honor winner Dakota Meyer. Which can only mean one thing, Bristol’s pregnant again.

4. Yesterday, New York real estate heir and focus of HBO’s docu-series “The Jinx,” Robert Durst was arrested for a murder that happened more than 14 years ago. “The police can do that!?!” said O.J.

5. On Sunday, in response to the upcoming documentary film about Scientology, the church released a letter calling the movie a “bogus propaganda piece” that has “at least one major error every two minutes.” Which means the upcoming Brian Williams bio-pic will have to come up with a new tag line.

6. CNN is set to air an exclusive interview with Britain’s Prince Charles this week. So if you’re interested in watching an out-of-touch and behind the times institution that no longer serves a relevant purpose, it will be interviewing Prince Charles this week.

7. The men’s 20 kilometers race walk record was broken on Sunday when Japan’s Yusuke Suzuki set a new record at the Asian Race Walking Championships. That record was immediately broken by all the disinterested spectators trying to get as far away from the Asian Race Walking Championships as possible.

8. Pope Francis announced on Friday that he is convoking a jubilee year to be called the Holy Year which will focus on the topic of mercy. This stands in stark contrast to last year’s theme of getting revenge on all your enemies.

9. The Norwegian Arctic islands of Svalbard are discouraging last-minute visitors for a rare solar eclipse next week, warning that hotels are full, it will be freezing cold and polar bears are on the prowl. But, if polar bears are on the prowl, shouldn’t there be some hotel openings?

10. BlackBerry said on Saturday it will be launching a new high-security tablet. Hackers will be unable to get anyone’s personal information off the BlackBerry’s high-security tablet because no one will buy one.

Monologue Jokes – August 9, 2013

1. Earlier this week, on Twitter, singer Chris Brown said his upcoming album may be his last. I know it may become a reality very soon, but it is hard to imagine Brown not punching in and punching out of work each day.

2. It has been reported that disgraced chef Paula Deen turned down an offer to appear on “Dancing with the Stars.” Deen declined the invitation because the show combines the two things she hates the most, dancing and not saying the n-word for a whole hour.

3. President Barrack Obama and his family are set to go on an eight-day vacation on Martha’s Vineyard. Which means Biden’s throwing a kegger at the White House.

4. A Maine man who placed a loaded gun into his 4-year-old son’s daycare bag, pleaded not guilty to reckless conduct, claiming the incident was unintentional. But, on the plus side, that kid always gets his first choice of rugs for nap time.

5. Yesterday in Nevada, a woman gave birth to a baby in a Subway restaurant. Ah, the circle of life, what began with a six-inch ended with a six-inch.

6. Late Wednesday night, singer Beyoncé debuted her new, shorter hairstyle, the end result of getting her hair stuck in a fan during a concert performance. Said Maroon 5 lead singer Adam Levine, “I hate to think what would happen if I were forced to cut off what usually gets stuck in a fan after a show.”

7. According to a new study, pregnant women who get flu shots are at no greater risk for pregnancy-related complications. So yeah, your baby is just naturally stupid.

8. Mikhail Gorbachev announced he was, in fact, alive and well after hackers broke into a news agency website late Wednesday and posted a false death report. But it is Russia, so maybe give it a day.

9. The NSA said on Thursday it intends to eliminate about 90 percent of its system administration to reduce the number of people with access to secret information. Yeah, fire the majority of people that know all our secrets, I can’t see any way that can come back and bite us in the ass.

10. Actress Leah Remini, who recently left the Church of Scientology, filed a missing person report for the wife of Scientology leader David Miscavige, claiming she hasn’t appeared in public in six years. Which is funny, because “the King of Queens” went off the air six years ago and I could say that same thing about you, Leah.

Monologue Jokes – July 30, 2013

1. On Monday, former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer confirmed that he will not be voting for Anthony Weiner in the New York mayoral race. Adding, “I’m shifting my support to Carlos Danger. That guy is the man!”

2. Amazon unveiled a new hiring spree on Monday ahead of a visit from President Obama. Not to be outdone, Joe Biden has singlehandedly kept a local D.C. Chuck E. Cheese afloat.

3. A popular Arkansas water park voluntarily closed after a 12-year-old girl who swam there was diagnosed with a rare case of parasitic meningitis. No word on whether her children have it as well.

4. On Monday, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton had lunch with President Obama at the White House. The lunch reportedly went well, but there was an awkward moment when Hillary broke out a few fabric swatches and a tape-measurer while in the Oval Office.

5. A new study suggests that how far a person lives from a manufacturing plant that releases the chemical benzene may determine their risk of developing immune system cancer. “Oh Shit,” said all of New Jersey.

6. Two studies released on Monday found that there are evolutionary advantages for men to remain monogamous. “Good thing I don’t believe in evolution,” said Herman Cain.

7. Pope Francis took a controversial stance on Monday by saying that he will not “judge” gays and lesbians. Now comes the big question for the Pope, what to do with all that free time?

8. Time Warner Cable said on Monday it has started notifying customers that it is raising the monthly fees to rent modems from the cable company. When asked about their progress, a Time Warner representative said, “It’s really hard to get in contact with these people, it’s like their telephone and internet services are always down.”

9. Anthony Weiner vowed to stay in the New York City mayoral race on Monday, despite a poll that showed his support plummeting to fourth place among Democratic voters. Weiner said he has a plan to get back on top, he’s gonna personally call every single voter, first up, the ladies.

10. Actress Leah Remini has offered clues about why she left the Church of Scientology, telling People magazine no one is going to tell her how to think or who she can talk to. Adding, “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go say lines from a script while a director tells me what to do.”

11. According to Forbes, Angelina Jolie is Hollywood’s highest paid actress, earning an estimated $33 million last year. In an unrelated story, Jennifer Aniston has cancelled her subscription to Forbes.

Monlogue Jokes – July 12, 2013

1. Justin Bieber called and apologized to former President Bill Clinton after a video emerged of the singer spraying cleaner fluid on a photo of the former President while saying “Fuck Bill Clinton.” Proving, once again, if you’re a teenager and promise to fuck Bill Clinton, he will take your phone call.

2. The inventor of the game Twister has passed away. His last words were reportedly, “Get off me, I can’t breath.”

3. In a recent radio interview, rapper Jay-Z confirmed that he and President Obama frequently exchange text messages. Adding, they’re mostly about Beyoncé’s ass.

4. In a recent radio interview, rapper Jay-Z confirmed that he and President Obama frequently exchange text messages. Jay-Z went on to clarify, “It’s actually pretty easy, anyone can do it, just send a text to anyone and wait for the NSA to do the rest.”

5. According to a source with knowledge of the situation, actress Leah Remini has severed ties with the Church of Scientology on Thursday. And, in a related story, Leah Remini is dead.

6. According to a recent study, the state that drinks the most beer is North Dakota. But, if you were stuck between South Dakota and Canada you’d drink too.

7. This Congress is on track to become the least productive Congress ever, having passed only 16 laws. Yeah, but immigrants are the lazy ones.

8. The most recent issue of DC Comics sees Superman killing a guy. To his credit, Superman said he immediately regretting pulling the trigger, but that seems like bullshit considering the whole “faster than a speeding bullet” thing.

9. The most recent issue of DC Comics sees Superman killing a guy. Looks like Lois Lane is a widow again.

10. The Red River Women’s Clinic in downtown Fargo may be forced to close down next month, leaving a more than 800-mile swath of the upper Plains without an abortion provider. Although I find it hard to believe there isn’t a set of stairs within that 800-mile area.

11. A Russian Orthodox youth group unveiled a video game on Thursday that gives players a chance to “kill” members of the punk rock band Pussy Riot. I’m Jewish, but if you switch Pussy Riot to Justin Bieber, I’d consider converting.

12. A Russian Orthodox youth group unveiled a video game on Thursday that gives players a chance to “kill” members of the punk rock band Pussy Riot. Thanks, but no thanks. If I want to kill people in a video game I’ll just pop in Madden and play as Aaron Hernandez.

13. The Illinois state Supreme Court ruled on Thursday that parents must be notified 48 hours before a girl under the age of 18 gets an abortion in the state. Said pregnant teenage girls, “What do you mean parents? Do you know where my dad is?”

14. Authorities in Massachusetts are exhuming the body of Boston strangler suspect Albert DeSalvo in an attempt to match his DNA with a sample recovered from a woman killed almost 50 years ago. If DeSalvo proves not to be the Strangler authorities will focus their investigation on their remaining suspect, Aaron Hernandez.

15. San Diego Mayor Bob Filner admitted on Thursday to behaving inappropriately toward female staffers but indicated he would not resign. Resign? Hell, he’s one illegitimate child away from being governor, right Arnold?