March 30, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. When asked why he was referring to the coronavirus as the Chinese virus last week, President Trump said, “I have to call out where it came from.” And, in his defense, he has a track record of naming awful things that were unleashed on the word after where they came from:

2. Last Thursday, O.J. Simpson tweeted that he’d go ‘crazy’ if all golf courses were closed due to the coronavirus. And just when you thought news couldn’t get any worse for laid-off waiters in Brentwood.

3. An Oregon police department is asking residents to stop calling 911 because they’ve run out of toilet paper. But if you do call 911 because you’ve run out of toilet paper, please disinfect your phone.

4. Last week, actor Idris Elba announced that he tested positive for the coronavirus. But, on the plus-side, catching the virus is still only the second worst thing that’s happened to Idris this year:

5. New York City mayor Bill de Blasio said Wednesday the city will remove basketball hoops at parks where pick-up games continued despite social-distancing guidelines as a result of the coronavirus pandemic. “Wait, we were supposed to be shooting at the hoop this whole time?” asked the Knicks.

6. In a recent interview, actress Courteney Cox says she doesn’t even remember being on ‘Friends.’ Meanwhile, Matt Le Blanc still wakes up in cold sweats because he remembers ‘Joey.’ 

7. Disgraced Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein tested positive for the coronavirus while in prison. Harvey said the nasal swab was the nicest thing he’s had shoved into him all week.

8.  Disgraced Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein tested positive for the coronavirus while in prison. So now he’s got to break the news to everyone he’s come in contact with:

9. Last week, six-time Super Bowl champion quarterback Tom Brady announced that he is signing with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Said Brady, “I’m tired of winning.”

10. Simba, a dog from Florida that was missing for more than two months, was found last week 1,400 miles away in Michigan. Which is, at best, a lateral move.

11. Last week, in an effort to halt the spread of the coronavirus, Germany banned gatherings of more than two people. Which, depending on how you look at it, is either a two months or seventy years too late:

12. According to a new study, taking a bath may be good for your heart. So I guess my 401k’s heart is really healthy right now

13. Pope Francis has donated 30 respirators to hospitals in areas hardest hit by the coronavirus pandemic. Because even the fucking Pope knows sending ‘thoughts and prayers’ does nothing.

14. An opera singer in Paris is giving daily concerts from his balcony window to lift his neighbors’ spirits during the nationwide lockdown enforced to contain the spread of the coronavirus. Said his neighbors, “I now you can lose you sight and smell from corona, but we’re also hoping it takes our sense of sound too.”

15. A Belgian robotics firm is lending a fleet of robots to old-age homes to help tend to residents after the government banned visitors to prevent the spread of coronavirus. It’s the perfect way to ensure that the elderly do not die from the coronavirus, but instead heart attacks.

16. CVS mistakenly sent false information to its staff about how to combat the coronavirus late last week. Even worse, here’s how they sent that information:

17. Last week, Hashem Abedi, the brother of Manchester bomber, was found guilty of 22 counts of the murders. Said Abedi’s mother, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?!!?!”

18. Last week a woman gave birth the in toilet paper aisle of a Missouri Walmart. Luckily the aisle was completely sterile:

19. Joe Biden’s presidential campaign installed a television studio in his basement over the weekend. Oddly, it was the Teletubbies studio set:

20. Coronavirus has had a dramatic effect on the sex industry as many porn actors are avoiding contact with other performers and, as a result, suffering financially. So if you’ve ever fantasized about your favorite porn star ‘checking you out’ at the supermarket, there’s a real chance now:

August 6, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Tonight is the first Republican presidential debate. Unsurprisingly, Donald Trump has already declared himself the winner.

2. Unfortunately former Texas Governor Rick Perry will not participate in tonight’s Republican presidential debate because he fell outside of the top ten in a recent poll, coming in eleventh. But, on the plus side, Perry finally found out what number comes after ten.

3. This week, a team of researchers demonstrated how to hijack standard equipment inside computers, printers and other devices in order to send information through sound waves. The researchers got the idea to utilize sound waves for malicious purposes while listening to a Kei$ha album.

4. A South African man has been reunited with his 1988 gray Toyota Corolla twenty-two years after it was stolen. Said the man, “Between finding $5 in my pocket yesterday and this, I have made $10 this week.”

5. Actor Idris Elba became the first man ever to grace the cover of Maxim magazine by himself. Which is really making those men who claim “they buy it for the articles” regret their words.

6. Netflix announced that it is offering up to a year of paid maternity and paternity leave for employees to care for a newborn or newly adopted child. Which means in the future a parent might say the sentence, “Well, we adopted you because mommy needed to catch up on the second season of ‘House of Cards.’”

7. According to a new poll, most Republicans believe Donald Trump will positively influence tonight’s first presidential debate. While a majority of Democrats were to excited to even answer the poll.

8. According to a new study, an experimental vaginal gel could prevent half of all cases of genital herpes. The way it works is your partner asks what the gel is for, you say it’s because you have herpes and then they no longer want to have sex with you.

9. This week, two New York City cops helped deliver a baby when a pregnant woman went into labor on a subway platform. After which, the officers immediately cited the baby for getting on the subway without paying the fare.

10. According to his lawyer, the second American recently accused by the Zimbabwean government of illegally hunting in the African nation wasn’t in Zimbabwe when the incident allegedly took place. Man, that is one powerful gun.