March 30, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. When asked why he was referring to the coronavirus as the Chinese virus last week, President Trump said, “I have to call out where it came from.” And, in his defense, he has a track record of naming awful things that were unleashed on the word after where they came from:

2. Last Thursday, O.J. Simpson tweeted that he’d go ‘crazy’ if all golf courses were closed due to the coronavirus. And just when you thought news couldn’t get any worse for laid-off waiters in Brentwood.

3. An Oregon police department is asking residents to stop calling 911 because they’ve run out of toilet paper. But if you do call 911 because you’ve run out of toilet paper, please disinfect your phone.

4. Last week, actor Idris Elba announced that he tested positive for the coronavirus. But, on the plus-side, catching the virus is still only the second worst thing that’s happened to Idris this year:

5. New York City mayor Bill de Blasio said Wednesday the city will remove basketball hoops at parks where pick-up games continued despite social-distancing guidelines as a result of the coronavirus pandemic. “Wait, we were supposed to be shooting at the hoop this whole time?” asked the Knicks.

6. In a recent interview, actress Courteney Cox says she doesn’t even remember being on ‘Friends.’ Meanwhile, Matt Le Blanc still wakes up in cold sweats because he remembers ‘Joey.’ 

7. Disgraced Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein tested positive for the coronavirus while in prison. Harvey said the nasal swab was the nicest thing he’s had shoved into him all week.

8.  Disgraced Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein tested positive for the coronavirus while in prison. So now he’s got to break the news to everyone he’s come in contact with:

9. Last week, six-time Super Bowl champion quarterback Tom Brady announced that he is signing with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Said Brady, “I’m tired of winning.”

10. Simba, a dog from Florida that was missing for more than two months, was found last week 1,400 miles away in Michigan. Which is, at best, a lateral move.

11. Last week, in an effort to halt the spread of the coronavirus, Germany banned gatherings of more than two people. Which, depending on how you look at it, is either a two months or seventy years too late:

12. According to a new study, taking a bath may be good for your heart. So I guess my 401k’s heart is really healthy right now

13. Pope Francis has donated 30 respirators to hospitals in areas hardest hit by the coronavirus pandemic. Because even the fucking Pope knows sending ‘thoughts and prayers’ does nothing.

14. An opera singer in Paris is giving daily concerts from his balcony window to lift his neighbors’ spirits during the nationwide lockdown enforced to contain the spread of the coronavirus. Said his neighbors, “I now you can lose you sight and smell from corona, but we’re also hoping it takes our sense of sound too.”

15. A Belgian robotics firm is lending a fleet of robots to old-age homes to help tend to residents after the government banned visitors to prevent the spread of coronavirus. It’s the perfect way to ensure that the elderly do not die from the coronavirus, but instead heart attacks.

16. CVS mistakenly sent false information to its staff about how to combat the coronavirus late last week. Even worse, here’s how they sent that information:

17. Last week, Hashem Abedi, the brother of Manchester bomber, was found guilty of 22 counts of the murders. Said Abedi’s mother, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?!!?!”

18. Last week a woman gave birth the in toilet paper aisle of a Missouri Walmart. Luckily the aisle was completely sterile:

19. Joe Biden’s presidential campaign installed a television studio in his basement over the weekend. Oddly, it was the Teletubbies studio set:

20. Coronavirus has had a dramatic effect on the sex industry as many porn actors are avoiding contact with other performers and, as a result, suffering financially. So if you’ve ever fantasized about your favorite porn star ‘checking you out’ at the supermarket, there’s a real chance now:

February 6, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. A 72-year-old man is attempting to qualify for the Daytona 500. His car will be sponsored by Ducolax Stool Softener and will permanently have its left blinker on.

2. It has been confirmed that George Zimmerman will fight rapper DMX in an upcoming boxing match. The fight is set to take place in a few months, but could happen sooner if DMX wanders into Zimmerman’s neighborhood.

3. It has been confirmed that George Zimmerman will fight rapper DMX in an upcoming pay-per-view boxing match. Said Zimmerman, “I want to put the past behind me, and thought the best way of doing that would be to fight a black guy on national tv … I have bad judgment.”

4. As of yesterday, three of the nine hotels built for reporters attending the Olympic Games in Sochi weren’t even finished being built. One reporter tweeted that there were stray dogs roaming the hallways of his hotel, or, as they refer to it the hotels housing the Chinese reporters, room service.

5. CVS announced Wednesday it will stop selling cigarettes and other tobacco products in its stores by October 1. CVS has tried to stop selling cigarettes before, but this time it’s serious, its got the patch and some Nicorette, there’s no turning back.

6. The children of Martin Luther King, Jr. are in court once again fighting over the belongings of the late civil-rights leader. I guess he should have dreamt about the day when his own kids would join hands together.

7. The Obama administration enlisted the help of First Lady Michelle Obama in an effort to ensure that low and middle-class income students get access to federal aid to help them pay for college. This is a stark reversal from the program installed during former President Bill Clinton’s term, strip your way through college.

8. New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio announced that he will not participate in this year’s St. Patrick’s Day parade due to the ban preventing gay-rights groups from marching. But the mayor went on to say that he will be at this year’s Gay Pride parade with bells on, literally.

9. According to new research, kids don’t need math skills to glance at two groups of black dots and say which group has more dots, but practicing that task might boost their math scores. It was hard to hear the scientists announce their findings over the sound of China laughing at us.

10. Yesterday, 700,000 Seattleites turned out to celebrate with their SuperBowl champion Seahawks. The fans celebrated by lining the streets of Seattle and watching the team march by them, just like the Denver Broncos did.