March 30, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. When asked why he was referring to the coronavirus as the Chinese virus last week, President Trump said, “I have to call out where it came from.” And, in his defense, he has a track record of naming awful things that were unleashed on the word after where they came from:

2. Last Thursday, O.J. Simpson tweeted that he’d go ‘crazy’ if all golf courses were closed due to the coronavirus. And just when you thought news couldn’t get any worse for laid-off waiters in Brentwood.

3. An Oregon police department is asking residents to stop calling 911 because they’ve run out of toilet paper. But if you do call 911 because you’ve run out of toilet paper, please disinfect your phone.

4. Last week, actor Idris Elba announced that he tested positive for the coronavirus. But, on the plus-side, catching the virus is still only the second worst thing that’s happened to Idris this year:

5. New York City mayor Bill de Blasio said Wednesday the city will remove basketball hoops at parks where pick-up games continued despite social-distancing guidelines as a result of the coronavirus pandemic. “Wait, we were supposed to be shooting at the hoop this whole time?” asked the Knicks.

6. In a recent interview, actress Courteney Cox says she doesn’t even remember being on ‘Friends.’ Meanwhile, Matt Le Blanc still wakes up in cold sweats because he remembers ‘Joey.’ 

7. Disgraced Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein tested positive for the coronavirus while in prison. Harvey said the nasal swab was the nicest thing he’s had shoved into him all week.

8.  Disgraced Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein tested positive for the coronavirus while in prison. So now he’s got to break the news to everyone he’s come in contact with:

9. Last week, six-time Super Bowl champion quarterback Tom Brady announced that he is signing with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Said Brady, “I’m tired of winning.”

10. Simba, a dog from Florida that was missing for more than two months, was found last week 1,400 miles away in Michigan. Which is, at best, a lateral move.

11. Last week, in an effort to halt the spread of the coronavirus, Germany banned gatherings of more than two people. Which, depending on how you look at it, is either a two months or seventy years too late:

12. According to a new study, taking a bath may be good for your heart. So I guess my 401k’s heart is really healthy right now

13. Pope Francis has donated 30 respirators to hospitals in areas hardest hit by the coronavirus pandemic. Because even the fucking Pope knows sending ‘thoughts and prayers’ does nothing.

14. An opera singer in Paris is giving daily concerts from his balcony window to lift his neighbors’ spirits during the nationwide lockdown enforced to contain the spread of the coronavirus. Said his neighbors, “I now you can lose you sight and smell from corona, but we’re also hoping it takes our sense of sound too.”

15. A Belgian robotics firm is lending a fleet of robots to old-age homes to help tend to residents after the government banned visitors to prevent the spread of coronavirus. It’s the perfect way to ensure that the elderly do not die from the coronavirus, but instead heart attacks.

16. CVS mistakenly sent false information to its staff about how to combat the coronavirus late last week. Even worse, here’s how they sent that information:

17. Last week, Hashem Abedi, the brother of Manchester bomber, was found guilty of 22 counts of the murders. Said Abedi’s mother, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?!!?!”

18. Last week a woman gave birth the in toilet paper aisle of a Missouri Walmart. Luckily the aisle was completely sterile:

19. Joe Biden’s presidential campaign installed a television studio in his basement over the weekend. Oddly, it was the Teletubbies studio set:

20. Coronavirus has had a dramatic effect on the sex industry as many porn actors are avoiding contact with other performers and, as a result, suffering financially. So if you’ve ever fantasized about your favorite porn star ‘checking you out’ at the supermarket, there’s a real chance now:

September 18, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Matt Damon has apologized after sparking an uproar in the season premiere of HBO’s “Project Greenlight,” which he produces with Ben Affleck, by explaining diversity in film to a black woman producer. But, in Damon’s defense, some of his best friend’s ancestors owned black people.

2. On Tuesday, CEO Tim Cook said he is working on a way to let iPhones users delete the seldom-used built-in apps that come preloaded on the phone. “I could have told you people don’t like it when you put things on their phones they can’t delete,” said U2.

3. Wednesday’s Republican presidential debate on CNN attracted over 22 million viewers, making it the highest-rated program in the channel’s history. “You’re welcome,” said Rand Paul.

4. This week, Taco Bell announced that it will begin opening new, higher-end restaurants called Taco Bell Cantinas. The new and old restaurants will be very similar, except in the fancier option there will be a bathroom attendant present to hear you have diarrhea.

5. A federal appeals court said Raanan Katz, a minority owner of the Miami Heat, cannot prevent a famously harsh blog from publishing an unflattering picture of him with his tongue protruding askew from his mouth. So, suck it, Raanan:
ranaan

6. On Thursday, restaurant chain Buffalo Wild Wings said it would stop airing commercials featuring actor Steve Rannazzisi after he admitted to lying about being in the World Trade Towers on 9/11. Buffalo Wild Wings will now go with their back-up spokesman, Brian Williams.

7. Under a proposed plan, New York City will require topless women, Elmo impersonators and other costumed characters who populate Times Square to work in designated zones that pedestrians can choose to steer clear of. I thought we already had an area like that that people avoided on purpose, it was called Times Square.

8. Yesterday, Air Canada flight 85 from Tel Aviv to Toronto made an emergency landing in Frankfurt to save a 7-year-old French bulldog named Simba riding in the overheated cargo hold. And no one was more upset about the decision to land the plan to save the bulldog than the dog’s uncle Scar.

9. According to a new study, kids who are rushed through school lunch end up throwing out more food because they don’t have enough time to eat. Although, if I remember school lunches correctly, that may be a good thing.

10. On Tuesday, to promote his new car show on CNBC, Jay Leno posed as an Uber driver and drove unsuspecting customers around L.A. Every ride ended with Jay taking the passengers to their destination, staying way too long and then refusing to leave.

11. On Tuesday, to promote his new car show on CNBC, Jay Leno posed as an Uber driver and drove unsuspecting customers around L.A. Passengers knew something was amiss when their Uber car was a 1937 steam-powered Studebaker.

12. According to a new report, despite a drop in the number of people facing starvation, nearly one third of the world’s population is malnourished. This study was conducted anywhere but the South.

13. In a recent interview, Donald Trump said he would consider dating his daughter Ivanka Trump if he weren’t her father. “This is the first time I wish I were related to Donald Trump,” said every woman everywhere.

14. Over the weekend, a British builder won the annual World Black Pudding Tossing Championship. “You had me at ‘black’ and lost me at ‘pudding,’” said George Zimmerman.

15. On Friday, former Texas Governor Rick Perry officially ended his campaign for the Republican presidential nomination. So now, the remaining candidates will compete for Perry’s supporter.

16. Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s newest TV campaign commercial highlights her granddaughter Charlotte. The ad features a crying Charlotte in a wig playing the role of Donald Trump.

17. The new Guinness Book of World Records was released last week and Andre Ortal of Germany snagged three records including fastest 100-meter dash wearing ski boots and fastest 100-meter dash wearing clogs. Ortal’s third record was most aggravated downstairs neighbor.

18. A new species of fish named the blue bastard has been discovered in Australia. So congratulations to whoever discovered it and my apologies to whoever it was named after.

19. A woman in Taiwan fulfilled her dying husband’s last wish by allowing strippers to perform at his funeral. So, turns out, the body wasn’t the only stiff in the room that day.

20. A mother in the U.K. has been arrested for giving her daughter over $500 worth of cocaine for her 18th birthday. But, in her defense, it was a cause for celebration, because, considering who her mother was, most people didn’t give the kid much of chance to live that long.

September 26, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Two people are suing Madison Square Garden for allegedly over-serving them at a recent Billy Joel concert. When he heard the news, Joel, out of habit, exclaimed, “I wasn’t the one driving, I swear!”

2. A 6.2 magnitude earthquake hit northwest of Anchorage early Thursday morning. Scientists believe it was the result of “seismic shifts in the Earth’s tectonic plates,” while former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin blames it on “the gays.”

3. Ferguson, Missouri Police Chief Thomas Jackson told CNN that, despite calls to do so, he has no intention of resigning. But, if for whatever reason, you do happen to lose your job, maybe leave “Ferguson Police Chief” off your resume.

4. The chief of the Osage Nation Native American tribe has asked all tribal members not to use FedEx, a major sponsor of the Washington Redskins, until the team changes its name. “It’s the right thing to do,” said Chief Sponsored By UPS.

5. The singer-songwriter formerly known as Cat Stevens has cancelled an upcoming show in New York City because scalpers have driven up prices. Which is a really clever way of saying no one bought tickets.

6. Authorities in Idaho are seeking a truck driver who held 37,000 pounds of frozen chicken for ransom demanding money for expenses before eventually letting it rot at a Montana truck stop. “Just how rotten are we talking about here?” said Taco Bell.

7. On the second season premiere of MTV’s show “Faking It,” a character was revealed to be intersex, a person who is born with both male and female chromosomes. “Looks like my competition for best actor/actress just heated up,” said Bruce Jenner.

8. President Obama has drawn criticism for a video that shows him saluting a Marine using a hand that was also holding a cup of coffee. Even worse, Barack wasn’t saluting the Marine, he was asking for a refill.

9. According to a recent poll, more than half of Americans said “yes” when asked if brands should drop their sponsorship deals with the NFL over its mishandling of players accused of domestic violence. Which I can only assume means that “Why the fuck should I care” counted as a “yes” vote.

10. A woman in the U.K., paralyzed from the waist down, regained her ability to walk after getting breast implants. “Oh, she can walk now, I didn’t even notice,” said men.

11. Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto said on Monday that he hopes the U.S. Congress will soon pass immigration reform. It’s not a good sign when even the president of Mexico wants out.

12. On Monday, the Walt Disney Company said the stage version of “the Lion King” has generated the highest total box office of any production in any entertainment medium in history. Said Simba, “I just wish my dad was around to see my success.”

13. On Monday, a Virginia preschool teacher was arrested and charged with assault and battery after she allegedly punished a 13-month-old boy by biting his shoulder. “No you’re doing it all wrong,” said Mary Kay Letourneau.

14. On Tuesday, HBO confirmed that actors Colin Farrell and Vince Vaughn will star in the second season of the critically-acclaimed “True Detective” series. No word on what Matthew McConaughy and Woody Harrelson think of the casting, but they’ll probably be so high when it airs they won’t even realize it’s not them.

15. On Friday, Mama June and Sugar Bear from the hit TLC reality show “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” revealed that they are separating. They said they just grew apart, which I took to literally mean that they kept getting fatter.

16. Clemson University suspended a mandatory online course that asked students about their sex lives following a backlash from the school community. The final straw occurred when a professor, upon learning of one girl’s minimal sexual experience, said he’d “give her an F.”

17. A leading lawmaker said on Sunday, women of the Senate have taken notice and will speak up about how the NFL has handled domestic abuse cases. Although, to be fair, women speaking up is what got the NFL into this mess to begin with.

18. According to zoo officials, the groundhog that squirmed out of New York Mayor Bill de Blasio’s hands and fell to the floor during this year’s Groundhog Day celebration, died on Thursday. Now, I’m no meteorologist, but that can’t be a good sign.

19. A 26-year-old Connecticut man was in police custody on Tuesday after showing up to a probation meeting driving a car that police say he stole from a woman in a supermarket parking lot and later may have used to rob a bank. Said the man, “But at least I was on time for my probation meeting.”

20. Thai Prime Minister General Prayuth Chan-ocha admitted on Tuesday to turning to fortune tellers for work-related advice. Said Vice President Joe Biden, “That’s an insult to people like me, who hold positions of power, and my magic eight ball.”

21. According to an investigative report, young people in rural Pennsylvania can buy heroin more easily than a bottle of wine. Which may explain why the Amish think the beard with no mustache is a good look.