March 30, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. When asked why he was referring to the coronavirus as the Chinese virus last week, President Trump said, “I have to call out where it came from.” And, in his defense, he has a track record of naming awful things that were unleashed on the word after where they came from:

2. Last Thursday, O.J. Simpson tweeted that he’d go ‘crazy’ if all golf courses were closed due to the coronavirus. And just when you thought news couldn’t get any worse for laid-off waiters in Brentwood.

3. An Oregon police department is asking residents to stop calling 911 because they’ve run out of toilet paper. But if you do call 911 because you’ve run out of toilet paper, please disinfect your phone.

4. Last week, actor Idris Elba announced that he tested positive for the coronavirus. But, on the plus-side, catching the virus is still only the second worst thing that’s happened to Idris this year:

5. New York City mayor Bill de Blasio said Wednesday the city will remove basketball hoops at parks where pick-up games continued despite social-distancing guidelines as a result of the coronavirus pandemic. “Wait, we were supposed to be shooting at the hoop this whole time?” asked the Knicks.

6. In a recent interview, actress Courteney Cox says she doesn’t even remember being on ‘Friends.’ Meanwhile, Matt Le Blanc still wakes up in cold sweats because he remembers ‘Joey.’ 

7. Disgraced Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein tested positive for the coronavirus while in prison. Harvey said the nasal swab was the nicest thing he’s had shoved into him all week.

8.  Disgraced Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein tested positive for the coronavirus while in prison. So now he’s got to break the news to everyone he’s come in contact with:

9. Last week, six-time Super Bowl champion quarterback Tom Brady announced that he is signing with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Said Brady, “I’m tired of winning.”

10. Simba, a dog from Florida that was missing for more than two months, was found last week 1,400 miles away in Michigan. Which is, at best, a lateral move.

11. Last week, in an effort to halt the spread of the coronavirus, Germany banned gatherings of more than two people. Which, depending on how you look at it, is either a two months or seventy years too late:

12. According to a new study, taking a bath may be good for your heart. So I guess my 401k’s heart is really healthy right now

13. Pope Francis has donated 30 respirators to hospitals in areas hardest hit by the coronavirus pandemic. Because even the fucking Pope knows sending ‘thoughts and prayers’ does nothing.

14. An opera singer in Paris is giving daily concerts from his balcony window to lift his neighbors’ spirits during the nationwide lockdown enforced to contain the spread of the coronavirus. Said his neighbors, “I now you can lose you sight and smell from corona, but we’re also hoping it takes our sense of sound too.”

15. A Belgian robotics firm is lending a fleet of robots to old-age homes to help tend to residents after the government banned visitors to prevent the spread of coronavirus. It’s the perfect way to ensure that the elderly do not die from the coronavirus, but instead heart attacks.

16. CVS mistakenly sent false information to its staff about how to combat the coronavirus late last week. Even worse, here’s how they sent that information:

17. Last week, Hashem Abedi, the brother of Manchester bomber, was found guilty of 22 counts of the murders. Said Abedi’s mother, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?!!?!”

18. Last week a woman gave birth the in toilet paper aisle of a Missouri Walmart. Luckily the aisle was completely sterile:

19. Joe Biden’s presidential campaign installed a television studio in his basement over the weekend. Oddly, it was the Teletubbies studio set:

20. Coronavirus has had a dramatic effect on the sex industry as many porn actors are avoiding contact with other performers and, as a result, suffering financially. So if you’ve ever fantasized about your favorite porn star ‘checking you out’ at the supermarket, there’s a real chance now:

August 26, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. It was announced yesterday that swimmer Ryan Lochte will be joining the cast of the upcoming season of “Dancing with the Stars.” So let me be the first to congratulate the winner of the next season of “Dancing with the Stars,” Michael Phelps.

2. Police in Sweden have dropped sexual assault charges against a man after it was discovered that his alleged victims had “gigantic breasts.” That, or the police sketch artist really needs a girlfriend.

3. Yesterday, political commentator Ann Coulter said she has a ‘blind loyalty’ to Donald Trump, adding, “Once he gave that Mexican rapist speech, I’ll walk across glass for him.” Or, to put it more romantically, you had me at ‘Mexican rapist.’

4. On Thursday, a Washington D.C. judge ruled that jumping over the White House fence is not free speech. “Does it matter which way you’re jumping?” said President Obama.

5. Part of Kenya’s Olympic team has been stranded in Brazil after the conclusion of the games. Or more likely, the Kenyan Olympic team looked around Rio and decided not to go back to Kenya.

6. This week, Republican vice presidential candidate Mike Pence got his haircut at an African-American barbershop in Pennsylvania. Which explains this:
pence

7. In a recent interview, a 20-year-old Brazilian student who had a one night stand with Olympic champion Usain Bolt in Rio said “he has the body of a champion although his male parts do not match.” “I’ve heard that before,” said Caitlyn Jenner.

8. This week, researchers found a train at the bottom of Lake Superior 106 years after its derailment. “So it’s not coming?” said a really, really late businessman.

9. Former “Friends” star Courteney Cox says she now regrets some cosmetic procedures she had in the past. Begging the question, is David Arquette’s middle name ‘cosmetic procedures’?

10. A Nigerian man is being charged for provoking people and “breach of peace” for naming his dog after President Muhammadu Buhari. “That’s not how you get back at that dog,” said President Obama:

11. Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe showed up to Sunday night’s Olympic Closing Ceremonies dressed as Super Mario. Although, I remember Yoshi looking different:
dragon

12. Mataelpino, a small Spanish town just outside Madrid, has replaced its annual running of the bulls with an Indiana Jones-style boulder run. Although, now and days, the only stones Indiana Jones is trying to outrun are kidney.

13. Last week, Ford announced that they will start building cars with no steering wheels or pedals. They will be called the Ford No Escape.
 
14. Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump apologized on Thursday for past remarks that “may have caused personal pain.” And, to show he’s serious, Trump changed all his “Sorry Jeb” signs to “Sorry, Jeb” signs.
 
15. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump and his running mate toured flood-damaged Louisiana on Friday. So, if the torrential flooding hasn’t convinced you to move, that should do it.

16. NASA has announced that it will put the International Space Station up for sale hoping that a private commercial owner will take over possession of the site. One downside, the neighbors suck:
earth

17. According to a new study, the average American family spends at least 10% of their yearly income on child care. And, in a related story, Casey Anthony just bought a new Bentley.

18. A Chinese monk, who died four years ago, is now being given the highest honor by his temple. So it’s either full and complete enlightenment or a jet-ski.

19. Earlier this week, to protest the judges’ decision to not award the Olympic bronze medal to his wrestler, a Mongolian wrestling coach striped down to his underwear. It was the most overtly homoerotic thing to take place at the wrestling pavilion since the previous match.

20. A 42-year-old Indian man had surgery to remove 40 knives from his stomach after he had an “uncontrollable urge” to eat the cutlery. “I bet all he needed was a spoon,” said Alanis Morrisette.