Monthly Archives: May 2014

May 19, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Tara, the California cat that became a YouTube sensation after being caught on video saving a boy from a dog attack, has been invited to throw out the first pitch at a minor league baseball game. Said the cat, “If going to a minor league baseball game is the reward I get for saving that kid’s life, he’s on his own now.”

2. The lead singer of a heavy metal Christian rock band was sentenced on Friday to six years in prison for pleading guilty to trying to hire a hit man to kill his wife. But the great thing about being in a heavy metal Christian rock band is that even if you murder your wife, it will still only be the second worst thing you’ve ever done.

3. As a result of the hotel elevator surveillance video being released, Jay-Z and Solange Knowles released a joint statement in which they both took responsibility for the incident and said they would use it as a learning experience. I, as well have used it as a learning experience, for instance, I learned that Solange’s first name is not “Beyonce’s younger sister Solange.”

4. On Friday, the Mets accidentally sent out a mass email that contained their GM Sandy Alderson’s credit card and social security numbers. But, so far, no one has been desperate enough to try to steal his identity.

5. On Saturday, California Chrome won the Preakness Stakes, the second leg of horseracing’s Triple Crown, with Ride on Curlin coming in second and Social Inclusion taking third. Finishing last, in tenth place, was Ria Antonia or, as she will be known tomorrow, Elmers.

6. According to a new study, Britain’s wealthiest people are richer than ever, with a combined fortune of $874 billion. Most credit their affluence to hard work, wise investing and never spending any money on dental work.

7. Over the weekend, a 2008 presentation given to GM employees on how to communicate with each other regarding possible safety issues which included a list of unacceptable terms like death-trap, Hindenburg and rolling sarcophagus, surfaced online. But I gotta believe once you get to “rolling sarcophagus” you’re just giving employees ideas.

8. Former President George W. Bush and his wife Laura are mourning the death of their beloved pet dog, Miss Beazley. Well, Laura is mourning, George thinks she went to live on a farm upstate.

9. It has been confirmed that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West will celebrate their wedding in Florence on May 24. The couple hopes that the public will respect their privacy and there’s no better way to ensure that then to throw their wedding in the country that is responsible for the word “paparazzi.”

10. On Sunday, RNC chairman Reince Priebus said Hillary Clinton’s age and health are valid campaign issues if she decides to run for president again in 2016. Priebus went on to say that the only thing that is off limits is her name, adding, “No one should ever be made fun of solely because they have a weird sounding name.”

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

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1. A 31-year-old woman has been arrested after spending several months posing as a teenage student at a private Texas high school. The woman was able to pull of the con for so long because being a chain-smoking sophomore with two children is commonplace in Texas.

2. This week, former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney said he supports efforts to raise the minimum wage to $10. But that’s only because he doesn’t know that $1 and $5 bills exist.

3. While speaking at a conference last week, Republican strategist Karl Rove hinted that Hillary Clinton may not make a good President due to a brain injury she may have suffered as a result of a blood clot in 2012. Which is why Rove supports a Sarah Palin 2016 run for the White House, because you can’t injury something you never had.

4. Actress Carrie Fisher has reportedly lost 40 pounds for her role in the upcoming “Star Wars” film. So it’s safe to assume this movie takes place in a galaxy far, far, far, far, far, far, far away.

5. Seattle police are looking for a man suspected of stealing a toilet tank from a Subway bathroom while workers prepared his family’s meal. Begging the question, where is this magical Subway that lets customers use its bathroom?

6. Yesterday, a Haitian orphan became the first person to be fitted with a prosthetic hand made by a 3-D printer. Said the orphan, “How bout printing me up some parents while you’re at it?”

7. Venezuelan doctor Jacinto Conuit, renowned for his development of a leprosy vaccine, died on Monday at the age of 100. Funeral services will be held this Thursday at the Caracas Catholic Church and, if you decide to attend, you may want to consider skipping the whole “peace be with you” handshake thing.

8. An elderly couple in Queens got married over the weekend after dating for 55 years. When asked what took so long, the groom-to-be-replied, “Why buy the cow, when you’re getting the spoiled milk for free?”

9. 111-year-old, New York City resident Alexander Imich has been named the world’s oldest living man. Imich, a lifelong New Yorker, said he briefly considered moving to Florida when he retired, but they hadn’t discovered it yet.

10. On Friday, twin girls in Ohio were born holding hands. Said the mother, “ONE AT A TIME!!!!.”

May 16, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. The hotel where Jay-Z had an alleged altercation with Beyonce’s sister Solange Knowles says it has fired the person who leaked the tape to the media. Whereupon he was immediately hired as Solange’s PR guy.

2. At the Children’s Book Week Gala in New York Wednesday night, Rush Limbaugh took home the award for author of the year. Proving what I’ve said all along, kids are morons.

3. At the Children’s Book Week Gala in New York Wednesday night, Rush Limbaugh took home the award for author of the year. It’s good to see Limbaugh finally getting the recognition he deserves from his intellectual peers.

4. On Thursday, Kentucky Derby winner California Chrome was treated for a cough and a blister. Which means a horse has better health insurance than I do.

5. According to a new study, U.S. children are consuming more than 10 pounds of sugar annually if they eat a typical morning bowl of cereal each day. As a result, Life cereal has been forced to change its name to “Life?”

6. A 31-year-old woman has been arrested after spending several months posing as a teenage student at a private Texas high school. The woman was able to pull of the con for so long because being a chain-smoking sophomore with two children is commonplace in Texas.

7. A 31-year-old woman has been arrested after spending several months posing as a teenage student at a private Texas high school. School officials became suspicious when they looked at her.

8. The Vatican said on Thursday that Pope Francis is shunning bulletproof vehicles during his trip to the Middle East this month, insisting he use a normal car and be allowed to be as close to people as possible. Said the Pope, “It’s not like I’m going to Detroit.”

9. Experts in London are now claiming that peeing on a jellyfish sting does nothing to alleviate the pain. But it is still a pretty effective way to take your mind of getting stung by a jellyfish.

10. A new app called “What’s Applebee’s” lets users connect to fellow Applebee’s fans. It’s a great service that allows users to skip the hassle of driving all the way down to the unemployment office and striking up conversations.

11. A new study that looked at brain scans suggests smoking while pregnant may be linked to less control over inhibitions when the child is an adult. “I’ll have a carton of Marlboro Reds,” said 23-year-old Dina Lohan.

12. Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley on Thursday signed into law a bill banning discrimination against transgender people. As a result, the Washington Redskins have finally agreed to change their name to the Washington Bruce Jenners.

13. On Wednesday, TBS announced that Conan O’Brien will continue to host his late-night talk show through 2018. “So, come 2019, you’re telling me there’s a chance,” said Jay Leno.

14. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s spokesman testified on Tuesday that he was misled by fellow officials about the purpose of a major traffic disruption apparently used to retaliate against a political foe. And, it should be noted that Christie is forced to use a spokesman quite often as his own mouth is usually full.

15. According to a new study, college freshmen were more likely to get behind the wheel after smoking marijuana than drinking alcohol. So if you thought it was hard to remember where you parked before.

16. Target and Doritos have teamed up to market the walking taco, which is the result of pouring ground beef and cheese into a bag of crushed Doritos before eating it directly out of the bag. They thought about naming it the running taco, but, let’s be honest, the type of person who would be interested in eating this type of thing isn’t running anywhere anytime soon.

17. According to reports, Apple will unveil the next incarnation of its iPhone in August, on month earlier than industry watchers were expecting. “Ah, fuck,” said the entire workforce of China.

18. Three University of Oregon players who were accused of rape have been dropped from the team despite a decision by prosecutors not to charge them criminally. But, on the plus side, they’re now the front-runners for the 2014 Heisman Trophy.

May 15, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. This week, former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney said he supports efforts to raise the minimum wage to $10. But that’s only because he doesn’t know that $1 and $5 bills exist.

2. According to a new report, 1 in 4 adults worldwide are anti-Semitic. The number used to be much lower, but then Donald Sterling opened his mouth.

3. The Oprah Winfrey Network announced on Wednesday that it had purchased the rights to a documentary series that will follow the life of openly gay NFL draftee Michael Sam. The last time OWN cameras were in a football locker room was that episode of “Lindsay” where she fucked the entire roster of the Dallas Cowboys.

4. The formal royal editor of Rupert Murdoch’s News of the World tabloid admitted to a London court to repeatedly hacking the phones of Princes William and Harry. While those compromising pictures of Camilla Parker Bowles remain completely untouched on Prince Charles’ phone.

5. A 100-carat yellow diamond sold at auction for $9.7 million to a private buyer yesterday. Begging the question, what’s Kobe apologizing for this time?

6. On Monday, Pope Francis said he’d baptize Martians if they showed up at the Vatican demanding to be baptized. So, for the record, gays no, Martians yes.

7. Justin Bieber is being accused of stealing a woman’s cell phone after she allegedly took pictures of the pop star’s involvement in an altercation. Is it possible that Biebs is modeling his life after King Joffrey and, if so, can please let it end the same way.

8. A world-renowned underwater explorer believes he’s found Christopher Columbus’ long-lost cargo ship, the Santa Maria, which was wrecked by a storm off the coast of Haiti. So, at this rate, we’ll find Malaysian flight 370 by 2536.

9. According to a new study, women are at an increased risk of being seriously injured from a motor vehicle accident during the second trimester of pregnancy. Making for the very weird slogan of “Abortions, you’ll drive better.”

10. Jay-Z, Beyonce and Drake led the BET Award nominations announced on Wednesday with five nods apiece. While the “Biggest Hit of the Year” category was locked up by Solange Knowles last week.

May 14, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. While speaking at a conference last week, Republican strategist Karl Rove hinted that Hillary Clinton may not make a good President due to a brain injury she may have suffered as a result of a blood clot in 2012. Which is why Rove supports a Sarah Palin 2016 run for the White House, because you can’t injury something you never had.

2. The U.S became the world’s biggest market for wine last year, beating second-place France for the first time ever. Experts attribute this rise in wine consumption to the addition of a fifth hour to “the Today Show.”

3. The author of a new book released on Tuesday claims he is the son of the notorious Zodiac killer, an unidentified serial killer who terrorized Northern California in the late 1960s. “Wanna trade?” said Ronan Farrow.

4. Actress Carrie Fisher has reportedly lost 40 pounds for her role in the upcoming “Star Wars” film. So it’s safe to assume this movie takes place in a galaxy far, far, far, far, far, far, far away.

5. AT&T is in talks to buy satellite TV provider DirecTV and may finalize a deal as soon as tomorrow that could be worth close to $50 billion. Unless, of course, it’s cloudy tomorrow, then the deal will be closer to $10 billion.

6. Seattle police are looking for a man suspected of stealing a toilet tank from a Subway bathroom while workers prepared his family’s meal. Begging the question, where is this magical Subway that lets customers use its bathroom?

7. According to a report released on Monday, U.S. students read, but not well or often. Or, as it was reported by U.S. students, we read, but not good or ever.

8. An air safety regulator said an American Airlines plane almost collided with a drone above Florida earlier this year. Said Delta, “See, there are some advantages to always being delayed and never actually taking off.”

9. A planned Lady Gaga concert in Dubai will be censored out of respect to local cultural traditions. And, out of respect to Lady Gaga, the locals will wait until after the concert to stone her to death.

10. Actor Alec Baldwin was arrested Tuesday for disorderly conduct stemming from an argument with a police officer who was issuing the actor a summons for riding his bicycle against traffic in New York City. “Whoa, look who it is,” said his cellmate Stephen Baldwin.

May 13, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. R&B singer Chris Brown admitted to violating his probation on Friday and was sentenced to a year in jail. But, when you factor in time-off for good behavior, he’ll probably be in there much longer.

2. Austrian drag queen Conchita Wurst, popularly known as “the bearded lady,” won the Eurovision Song Contest on Saturday before a global TV audience of about 180 million people in 45 countries. So watch your back, Pink.

3. Nintendo on Friday apologized to gamers for leaving same-sex couples out of an upcoming “life simulation” game that lets players flirt, date, marry and have children. Although I’m more offended that they have classified a game in which Nintendo enthusiasts flirt and date as a “life simulator.”

4. A video has surfaced online of Solange Knowles, younger sister of Beyonce, assaulting her brother-in-law Jay-Z in an elevator. So apparently now he has 100 problems.

5. Yesterday, a Haitian orphan became the first person to be fitted with a prosthetic hand made by a 3-D printer. Said the orphan, “How bout printing me up some parents while you’re at it?”

6. On Monday, U.S. health officials in Orlando, Florida confirmed the country’s second case of MERS, a deadly virus that originated in the Middle East and has been linked to contact with camels. But, on the plus side, Jasmine may be single in a week.

7. Venezuelan doctor Jacinto Conuit, renowned for his development of a leprosy vaccine, died on Monday at the age of 100. Funeral services will be held this Thursday at the Caracas Catholic Church and, if you decide to attend, you may want to consider skipping the whole “peace be with you” handshake thing.

8. According to a new study, a compound found in red wine and chocolate may not be linked to improved health as once claimed. The study also found that Santa is not real, there is no heaven and those jeans do in fact make your ass look fat.

9. According to a new study, kids who were bullied may experience physical consequences like low-grade inflammation throughout the body, later in life. Begging the question, what the hell did those kids say to 5-year-old Chris Christie?

10. Hundreds of same-sex couples crowded the county courthouse in Little Rock, Arkansas on Monday morning to receive marriage licenses after a judge last week struck down the state’s 10-year ban on gay marriage. Said former Arkansas Governor Bill Clinton, “Please be lesbians. Please be lesbians…”

May 12, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. An elderly couple in Queens got married over the weekend after dating for 55 years. When asked what took so long, the groom-to-be-replied, “Why buy the cow, when you’re getting the spoiled milk for free?”

2. Last week, while in rehab, Rob Ford got in trouble for making phone calls to journalists from inside the facility. Which sounds innocent enough, until you find out that Edward Journalists is Ford’s drug dealer.

3. On Friday, the FDA approved a robotic hand for amputees nicknamed “Star Wars” in honor of the Luke Skywalker character. It’s big news for amputees who are fans of the “Star Wars” movies because, I’m guessing, they use their hand a lot.

4. Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel on Friday joined the Ready for Hillary group that is urging former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to run for president in 2016. While President Obama joined the Really Ready for Hillary group that is urging her to run for president in 2014.

5. According to a new study, professional musicians may have almost four times the risk of hearing loss than their audience. Said Nickelback, “What’s an audience?”

6. A Harvard University student group who is planning to hold a re-enactment of a satanic ritual on campus has drawn criticism from local Roman Catholic officials. Although, considering this is Boston, there’s a good chance this whole thing is just one big mix-up over the use of the word “wicked.”

7. 111-year-old, New York City resident Alexander Imich has been named the world’s oldest living man. Imich, a lifelong New Yorker, said he briefly considered moving to Florida when he retired, but they hadn’t discovered it yet.

8. Yesterday was Mothers’ Day or, as Casey Anthony calls it, Sunday.

9. Senator Marco Rubio, a potential Republican White House candidate for 2016, said “I do” on Sunday when asked if he thinks he is ready to be President. But, if he’s anything like every other politician, he doesn’t take those two words very seriously.

10. On Friday, twin girls in Ohio were born holding hands. Said the mother, “ONE AT A TIME!!!!.”

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

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1. According to a recent interview, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin thinks Hillary Clinton will reconsider her decision on abortion once she becomes a grandmother. And then reconsider her position once again when she meets Sarah Palin.

2. Male students at a California high school are in trouble with school officials after using an NFL-style draft to choose their prom dates. The draft was very similar to NFL’s, although in this case, the Wonderlic was just a bunch of horny teenage boys sitting around wondering what the girls would be willing to lick.

3. A 90-year-old Indiana man who admitted to serving as a cocaine courier for a Mexican drug cartel was sentenced on Wednesday to three years in federal prison. I’m not gonna go into specifics about how he used to sneak drugs across the border, but if you’re in jail with him, I’d be wary of sharing his Lipitor.

4. During a recent appearance, Hillary Clinton said her guilty pleasure is chocolate. Although a closet full of pant-suits says otherwise.

5. Attendees at a Utah wedding on Saturday were shocked to see a 60-year-old woman and 56-year-old man engaging in sex acts on the church lawn during the ceremony. Even worse, the presence of the Holy Ghost meant that it was a threesome.

6. According to World Health Organization data, American women are more likely to die in childbirth than they were two decades ago. “That’s why you gotta go on the offensive,” said Casey Anthony.

7. On Monday, the Supreme Court allowed local government officials to open meetings with a prayer. As in “Dear God, where did we go wrong in life that we all ended up at city council meeting at 9 AM on a Tuesday?”

8. Last week, NAACP Los Angeles chapter president Leon Jenkins resigned after the group came under fire for its plans to present a lifetime achievement award to Donald Sterling. Which ironically, knowing Sterling, will now be thing he looks upon as his biggest lifetime achievement.

9. Multiple porn stars have agreed to boycott all Samuel L. Jackson movies because he admitted to watching pirated pornography online. And I’m guessing, due to Mr. Jackson’s affinity for the word “motherfucker,” it was mostly MILF porn.

10. According to a report, actor Ben Affleck was banned from playing blackjack at the Las Vegas Hard Rock Casino because he was “too good.” Affleck being good at something is the ultimate example of something that happens in Vegas, staying in Vegas.

May 9, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Lawmakers expressed concerns about the merger of the top two cable operators, Comcast and Time Warner, at a congressional hearing on Thursday. But, in the cable providers’ defense, how could their service get any worse?

2. A man who appeared on a Turkish dating show in search of a new partner shocked the audience by revealing he had murdered his former wife and a former lover. Begging the question, what was O.J. Simpson doing in Turkey?

3. A man who appeared on a Turkish dating show in search of a new partner shocked the audience by revealing he had murdered his former wife and a former lover. Despite that, I still give this couple better odds of making it than anyone who met on “the Bachelor.”

4. The cover of the current issue of “Rolling Stone” features actor Neil Patrick Harris wearing nothing but a bowtie and a well-placed top hot. Or, as it is known on Fire Island, formal wear.

5. On Thursday, the FCC announced a $2.4 million fine against Dialing Services, a New Mexico-based firm that the FCC says continued to place robocalls over the past year despite having been warned against doing so in March 2013. When contacted about the story, the firm replied, “If you’d like to hear our side of the story, press one. If you’d like to be added to our mailing list, press two. If you’re the FCC, please fuck off and press three. To hear those options again, press nine.”

6. According to the Financial Times, Apple is close to buying headphone maker Beats Electronics for $3.2 billion. But, as is usually the case, Apple will probably lose them and be forced to buy a whole new headphone company next week.

7. This week, window cleaners in Pittsburgh dressed up like superheroes in order to cheer up patients at a children’s hospital. Unfortunately, the kids learned the hard way that this Superman couldn’t fly.

8. According to a survey by the Durex condom company, people in Mexico have the most exciting sex. “I’m not sure I’d call it ‘exciting,’” said the donkey.

9. According to an online report, Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling claimed in a new recording he is not a bigot. Look, I don’t know if he’s a bigot, but I can say with certainty that he’s an idiot if he’s still recording himself.

10. A 27-year-old Japanese man was arrested on Thursday for illegally possessing handguns made by a 3-D printer. I miss the old days when Japanese men were arrested for possessing handguns made from origami.

11. The New York Public Library announced it is abandoning a controversial renovation plan that would have replaced floors of research material with a circulating library. “Understood, but how will this affect my ability to shit here?” said homeless people.

12. Yesterday, Burger King announced that it will be adding hamburgers, cheeseburgers and french fries to its breakfast menu. Although, if you’re the type of person who thinks it’s a good idea to eat a cheeseburger right when you wake up, I’m guessing it wasn’t that much of a fast to break to begin with.

13. Florida Democrat Charlie Crist is exploring a possible trip to Cuba this summer as part of his campaign to win the state’s governorship. But, will most likely reconsider once he figures out how voting works.

14. According to a new survey, buying a dog can be a key to fixing a failing relationship. Because then you can start blaming shit on the dog.

15. On Wednesday, the new head of a congressional panel investigating the 2012 attack on U.S. diplomatic facilities in Benghazi criticized some Republicans’ use of the deadly incident to raise campaign funds. Said Rudy Giuliani, “9-11, 9-11, 9-11.”

16. According to a recent study, people can instinctively tell the difference between real and fake laughter. “The gig is up,” said the executive producer of “Two and a Half Men.”

17. The first person on the scene after Oscar Pistorius shot and killed his girlfriend testified this week that he was praying, crying and pleading with her not to die. The witness said when she first arrived Pistorius was down on his knees praying, then he was down on his knees talking to the police, later he was down on his knees making a sandwich.

18. The Florida State Legislature voted on Friday to let a Mexican-born, non-U.S. citizen practice law in the state. Next on the docket for the Florida Legislature, coming up with laws.

May 8, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to a recent interview, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin thinks Hillary Clinton will reconsider her decision on abortion once she becomes a grandmother. And then reconsider her position once again when she meets Sarah Palin.

2. According to a recent interview, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin thinks Hillary Clinton will reconsider her decision on abortion once she becomes a grandmother. Sorry, you lost me at “Sarah Palin thinks.”

3. Male students at a California high school are in trouble with school officials after using an NFL-style draft to choose their prom dates. As expected, there was an early run on “wide receivers.”

4. Male students at a California high school are in trouble with school officials after using an NFL-style draft to choose their prom dates. The draft was very similar to NFL’s, although in this case the Wonderlic was just a bunch of horny teenagers sitting around wondering what the girls would be willing to lick.

5. Yesterday a newspaper reported that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, who said last month he would take time off to get treatment for an alcohol problem, described rehab as “amazing.” Which either means Ford is finally receiving the help he so desperately needs or he snuck drugs into rehab.

6. A 90-year-old Indiana man who admitted to serving as a cocaine courier for a Mexican drug cartel was sentenced on Wednesday to three years in federal prison. I’m not gonna go into specifics about how he used to sneak drugs across the border, but if you’re in jail with him, I’d be wary of sharing his Lipitor.

7. During a recent appearance, Hillary Clinton said her guilty pleasure is chocolate. While Bill Clinton prefers Cinnamon, Destiny and Porscha.

8. During a recent appearance, Hillary Clinton said her guilty pleasure is chocolate. Although a closet full of pant-suits says otherwise.

9. In a recent piece published in “Vanity Fair,” former White House intern Monica Lewinsky says she wants to put her past behind her stating “it’s time to burn the beret and bury the blue dress.” Because nothing says moving on like bringing up a nineteen-year-old story that no one was talking about.

10. Target’s interim CEO John Mulligan took to the airwaves yesterday and stated that customers “can shop with confidence at Target” after the recent credit card breaches. Said Target customers, “If we had any level of self-confidence we wouldn’t be shopping at Target to begin with.”