Tag Archives: GM

September 30, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Yesterday was National Coffee Day. President Obama celebrated by saluting a few Marines.

2. Yesterday, the Washington Post reported that the man who jumped the White House fence earlier this month actually made it all the way to the East Room. “That’s closer than I ever got,” said Mitt Romney.

3. A mandatory orientation program for all incoming freshman at the University of California that focuses on sex and alcohol, stressed that students should always seek an “enthusiastic” yes from their partners before engaging in sexual activity. Before? I can’t even get a girl to scream “yes” during.

4. According to new research, the dreaded “Freshman Fifteen,” where incoming college freshman gain fifteen pounds, is most likely overstated. But, just to be safe, campus dorm rooms are doing away with bunk-beds.

5. GM is warning Corvette owners that using the car’s “nanny cam” feature, which allows users to record what’s going on in the car, could be illegal in some states. Said Corvette owners, “Don’t worry, I don’t want to document what goes on when I drive the nanny home either.”

6. Freshman at Florida’s Lakewood High School were lined up last week in the school gymnasium to have their heights and weights recorded as part of a novel study on fighting teenage obesity. Then they were pelted with dodge balls.

7. Scientists at the University of Rochester claim to have developed a Harry Potter-like invisibility cloak. The way it works is you go out in public and tell people you’re a scientist at the University of Rochester.

8. A group in Colorado is seeking to open a members-only theater that would allow customers to smoke marijuana and watch movies in public. The group plans to save money by showing the same movie every time.

9. According to tabloid reports, David Hasselhoff and Justin Bieber have become friends after collaborating on a song. And you thought you hated Beiber’s music before.

10. Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi gave birth to a baby girl early Friday morning. Congrats kid, after surviving nine months in there, life will be a synch.

September 8, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Over the weekend, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie turned 52-years-old. So finally his age is catching up to his waist.

2. A company in Washington state called Woosh Innovations has invented a canon that can shoot salmon across rivers to help them get past damns. “Pull,” shouted bears.

3. The Somalia-based Islamist terrorist militant group Al-Shabaab named Ahmed Omar Abu Ubaidah its new leader after its previous leader was killed in an American airstrike last week. Said Ubaidah, “Sorry I was late guys, what’d I miss?”

4. Kim Kardashian posed nude for the cover of this month’s British “GQ.” Said Kim, “If other people aren’t going to leak nude photos of me, then I’ll do it myself.”

5. A woman in Florida was kicked out of a bar for breastfeeding her baby while taking a shot and drinking a beer. Or, as it is more commonly known in Florida, a traditional Mothers’ Day brunch.

6. “The Spokesman Review,” a newspaper in Spokane, Washington, featured an obituary lamenting the passing of longtime resident, 93-year-old Dick Butt. Mr. Butt is survived by his loving wife Ina and their three kids Seymour, Anita and Harry.

7. On Friday, President Obama took a break from a NATO summit to visit Britain’s prehistoric Stonehenge monument. Or, as FoxNews reported it, look what President Obama’s mere presence did to this once thriving city.

8. The owner of the Atlanta Hawks announced on Sunday he will sell his controlling interest in the NBA franchise because of a racially insensitive email he sent. So far the highest offer has been $2 billion from the mysterious bidder, Ronald Smerling.

9. According to scientists, a mysterious late-night blast in the Nicaraguan capital of Managua that left a crater 40 feet wide was most likely caused by a meteorite and not, as previously reported, yo’ mama.

10. On Sunday, GM’s CEO said in two years it plans to introduce its first car that can communicate with other vehicles to help avoid accidents. But, until then, motorists will have to use the old method of communication, their middle finger.

May 23, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Two U.S. food companies have issued recalls for walnuts and hummus after a listeria outbreak. That story again, it’s the end of the world for white people.

2. Two U.S. food companies have issued recalls for walnuts and hummus after a listeria outbreak. Experts believe the contamination resulted from uncooked and unwashed product, but I choose to believe it’s just vegans finally getting what they deserve.

3. A new study suggests, people who engage in plenty of light movement have a lower risk of developing a disability later in life. This comes as great news to the guy I always end up behind on the escalator.

4. According to Christie’s, a Stradivarius violin forgotten in a closet for decades could sell for as much as $10 million at auction. “See, things only become more valuable the longer they stay in the closet,” said Queen Latifah.

5. One day after recalling 2.4 million vehicles, GM has announced that it’s recalling an additional 218,000 cars. Bringing the grand total of recalled vehicles to all the vehicles.

6. A cat in New Zealand reportedly brought home a bag of marijuana and left it on its owner’s doorstep. Said the owner, “I didn’t know you were in this type of stuff, Mr. Whiskers. We could have been partying years ago.”

7. A drunk-driving British man was able to escape a breathalyzer test by repeatedly punching himself in the face until his self-inflicted wounds made it impossible to get a successful reading. The man was able to avoid the DUI charge but was booked for assault.

8. An off-duty Philadelphia police lieutenant was removed from the force after being charged with masturbating inside a Starbucks. But, in his defense, we’ve all been to Starbucks and they don’t have the most attentive baristas, so if you want a latte sometimes you have to service yourself.

9. Yesterday a group of 50 Brooklyn school kids gave an impromptu recorder recital on the subway during morning rush hour. The feat netted two world records: most recorders played on the subway at once and the farthest a recorder has been shoved up a kid’s ass.

10. The stars of TLC’s “19 Kids and Counting” are reportedly considering having a 20th child. Which seems like a bad idea, especially to the 17th, 18th and 19th kids who have to share a bedroom with the parents.

11. The stars of TLC’s “19 Kids and Counting” are reportedly considering having a 20th child. Good Lord! Even the Holland Tunnel has to shut down for maintenance every once and a while.

12. On Thursday, lawyers for O.J. Simpson requested a new trial for the former NFL star in an attempt to have his 2008 armed-robbery conviction overturned. Said the judge, “You know that’s not what he’s really in here for, right?”

13. Two New York City fourth-graders were arrested Tuesday after allegedly putting rat poison in their teacher’s water bottle. As a result, school officials are questioning whether Peanut, the class hamster, really died from natural causes.

14. In an interview with “People” magazine, Tiger Woods’s ex-wife Elin Nordegren called her ex-husband a “great father.” But, then again, we already knew Woods loved it when people called him “daddy.”

15. Israel issued restraining orders against several Jewish right-wing activists on Wednesday, restricting their movement over concerns that they could try to disrupt the Pope’s upcoming visit to the Holy Land. Said Pope Francis, “While we’re at it, I have a few psycho ex-girlfriends…”

16. A Russian tycoon whose estranged wife won a $4.5 billion divorce ruling earlier this week will appeal the judgment and as a result many expect the case to take at least another ten years to be resolved. Which will give the hitman plenty of time.

17. Recently Iranian President Hassan Rouhani said his country should embrace the internet rather than see it as a threat. Which, I can only assume, means Rouhani hasn’t seen “2 Girls, 1 Cup.”

18. According to the results of a study that explored the genetic resemblance of married couples, people tend to choose spouses who have similar DNA. “Ah, yeah,” said West Virginia.

19. Tara, the California cat that became a YouTube sensation after being caught on video saving a boy from a dog attack, has been invited to throw out the first pitch at a minor league baseball game. And, in keeping with the theme of famous internet felines, keyboard cat will be playing the organ.

20. A senior member of Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s government hinted on Saturday that Israel was involved in back-channel contacts with Palestinian officials despite the collapse of US-backed peace negotiations. “Hey, what are you two whispering about?” said John Kerry.

May 19, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Tara, the California cat that became a YouTube sensation after being caught on video saving a boy from a dog attack, has been invited to throw out the first pitch at a minor league baseball game. Said the cat, “If going to a minor league baseball game is the reward I get for saving that kid’s life, he’s on his own now.”

2. The lead singer of a heavy metal Christian rock band was sentenced on Friday to six years in prison for pleading guilty to trying to hire a hit man to kill his wife. But the great thing about being in a heavy metal Christian rock band is that even if you murder your wife, it will still only be the second worst thing you’ve ever done.

3. As a result of the hotel elevator surveillance video being released, Jay-Z and Solange Knowles released a joint statement in which they both took responsibility for the incident and said they would use it as a learning experience. I, as well have used it as a learning experience, for instance, I learned that Solange’s first name is not “Beyonce’s younger sister Solange.”

4. On Friday, the Mets accidentally sent out a mass email that contained their GM Sandy Alderson’s credit card and social security numbers. But, so far, no one has been desperate enough to try to steal his identity.

5. On Saturday, California Chrome won the Preakness Stakes, the second leg of horseracing’s Triple Crown, with Ride on Curlin coming in second and Social Inclusion taking third. Finishing last, in tenth place, was Ria Antonia or, as she will be known tomorrow, Elmers.

6. According to a new study, Britain’s wealthiest people are richer than ever, with a combined fortune of $874 billion. Most credit their affluence to hard work, wise investing and never spending any money on dental work.

7. Over the weekend, a 2008 presentation given to GM employees on how to communicate with each other regarding possible safety issues which included a list of unacceptable terms like death-trap, Hindenburg and rolling sarcophagus, surfaced online. But I gotta believe once you get to “rolling sarcophagus” you’re just giving employees ideas.

8. Former President George W. Bush and his wife Laura are mourning the death of their beloved pet dog, Miss Beazley. Well, Laura is mourning, George thinks she went to live on a farm upstate.

9. It has been confirmed that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West will celebrate their wedding in Florence on May 24. The couple hopes that the public will respect their privacy and there’s no better way to ensure that then to throw their wedding in the country that is responsible for the word “paparazzi.”

10. On Sunday, RNC chairman Reince Priebus said Hillary Clinton’s age and health are valid campaign issues if she decides to run for president again in 2016. Priebus went on to say that the only thing that is off limits is her name, adding, “No one should ever be made fun of solely because they have a weird sounding name.”

April 8, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. HBO’s mobile app HBO Go crashed Sunday night due to a rush of people trying to view the season premiere of “Game of Thrones.” It’s funny that the mobile app crashed considering most viewers watched from the basement of their parent’s house.

2. A photo of Hillary Clinton and members of the Russian band Pussy Riot has gone viral with more than 9,000 retweets and 10,000 favs on Twitter. “Is it possible to only fav half a picture?” said Bill Clinton.

3. Whiskey brand Johnnie Walker is being sued by the 110-year-old nonprofit Explorers Club in an attempt to prevent the liquor company from selling a line of whiskey bearing the Explorers Club’s logo on its label. The logo features the outline of archeologist on a dig, or as Johnnie Walker enthusiasts know it, the outline of three archeologists.

4. General Motors, which has recalled 2.6 million cars due to faulty ignition switches, may also have a defect in air bags in 2003 to 2010 Chevy Impalas. The defect has gone this long unreported because if you owned an Impala, the next logical step was death anyway.

5. Vance McAllister, a married Republican Congressman, apologized on Monday after a Louisiana newspaper posted a surveillance video showing the representative making out with a female staffer. Although I think the most surprising part of that story is that there are newspapers in Louisiana.

6. Vance McAllister, a married Republican Congressman, apologized on Monday after a Louisiana newspaper posted a surveillance video showing the representative making out with a female staffer. “Wait, there are surveillance cameras?” said every other member of Congress.

7. Oscar Pistorius took the witness stand on Monday, saying the shooting of his girlfriend last year has left him sleepless, terrified and plagued by nightmares. “I know the feeling,” said Pistorious’s new girlfriend.

8. Oscar Pistorius took the stand on Monday, and, despite their abject hatred of him, apologized to the family of Reeva Steenkamp, saying he woke up thinking of them and praying for them every day. Proving once again he doesn’t have the best judgment right when he wakes up.

9. Searchers plan to scour a New Mexico landfill in an attempt to unearth a legendary dump of millions of unwanted “E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial” video game cartridges rumored to have been buried at the site in the early 1980s. Said the event organizer, “Don’t forget to bring a shovel and your inhaler.”

10. Tyson is recalling 75,320 pounds of chicken nuggets after some customers complained about finding small pieces of plastic in their food. “It’s less of a problem if you don’t chew’em,” said Chris Christie.

Monologue Jokes – June 11, 2013

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1. Yesterday the New England Patriots signed polarizing quarterback Tim Tebow. With Bill Belichick coaching him, I can’t wait to see how good Tebow gets at holding a clipboard.

2. Yesterday the New England Patriots signed polarizing quarterback Tim Tebow. Wow, I didn’t know the CFL had a team named the New England Patriots too.

3. A new study suggests, young people may take longer to recover after their second or third concussion. So, if you want to get your point across, hit’em at least four times.

4. Yesterday, the Obama administration announced it will stop trying to limit the sale of emergency contraception pills, thus making the morning after pill available to women of all ages without a prescription. In a related story, MTV is set to debut its new show “Almost Teen Mom.”

5. A Cypriot artists, protesting Cyprus’s financial meltdown, lined up twenty sculptures resembling a cross between toilets and tombstones outside the island’s Central Bank. Unfortunately, most people thought it was a tribute to Elvis.

6. On Monday, NBC announced that Cher will appear on the season finale of “the Voice.” NBC executives said that Cher is perfect for the show’s format because she still sounds great.

7. In an attempt to drive up purchases, General Motors is offering rebates to drivers who purchase or have purchased Chevy Volts. The biggest obstacle to obtaining the rebate, admitting to anyone that you bought a Chevy Volt.

8. Yesterday, Hillary Clinton joined twitter. In an unrelated story, former President Bill Clinton changed his twitter photo settings to private.

9. Actress Jane Lynch and her wife are divorcing after three years of marriage. Guess her wife finally saw an episode of “Glee.”

10. The Arizona Diamondbacks drafted Cory Hahn, a paralyzed former Arizona State outfielder, during the 34th round of the MLB draft. Despite his disability, Hahn is expected to see more playing time this year than A-Rod.