September 8, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Over the weekend, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie turned 52-years-old. So finally his age is catching up to his waist.

2. A company in Washington state called Woosh Innovations has invented a canon that can shoot salmon across rivers to help them get past damns. “Pull,” shouted bears.

3. The Somalia-based Islamist terrorist militant group Al-Shabaab named Ahmed Omar Abu Ubaidah its new leader after its previous leader was killed in an American airstrike last week. Said Ubaidah, “Sorry I was late guys, what’d I miss?”

4. Kim Kardashian posed nude for the cover of this month’s British “GQ.” Said Kim, “If other people aren’t going to leak nude photos of me, then I’ll do it myself.”

5. A woman in Florida was kicked out of a bar for breastfeeding her baby while taking a shot and drinking a beer. Or, as it is more commonly known in Florida, a traditional Mothers’ Day brunch.

6. “The Spokesman Review,” a newspaper in Spokane, Washington, featured an obituary lamenting the passing of longtime resident, 93-year-old Dick Butt. Mr. Butt is survived by his loving wife Ina and their three kids Seymour, Anita and Harry.

7. On Friday, President Obama took a break from a NATO summit to visit Britain’s prehistoric Stonehenge monument. Or, as FoxNews reported it, look what President Obama’s mere presence did to this once thriving city.

8. The owner of the Atlanta Hawks announced on Sunday he will sell his controlling interest in the NBA franchise because of a racially insensitive email he sent. So far the highest offer has been $2 billion from the mysterious bidder, Ronald Smerling.

9. According to scientists, a mysterious late-night blast in the Nicaraguan capital of Managua that left a crater 40 feet wide was most likely caused by a meteorite and not, as previously reported, yo’ mama.

10. On Sunday, GM’s CEO said in two years it plans to introduce its first car that can communicate with other vehicles to help avoid accidents. But, until then, motorists will have to use the old method of communication, their middle finger.

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