April 27, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Street artist Banksy revealed his latest work, a picture that he painted on the wall of his bathroom while under coronavirus quarantine. While my roommate revealed more of a Jackson Pollack in our shared bathroom.

2. An Iowa woman is sewing masks and hanging them on a ‘giving tree’ for anyone to take. In response, President Trump issued an executive order calling for us to plant more mask trees. 

3. Nicaragua’s president hasn’t been seen in public in over a month. In retrospect, it probably wasn’t a good idea to elect Shelly Miscavige as president of Nicaragua.

4. Convicted felon and preacher Jim Bakker recently said that his ministry will be “totally financially broke” within weeks if they don’t receive an influx of donations. Ironically, Bakker being in financial ruins is proof to me that there is a God.

5. Due to the coronavirus, many brides-to-be are now having virtual bachelorette parties. Which oddly means that the stripper is the only person wearing pants at the beginning of the Zoom call. 

6. Newly drafted New England Patriots rookie kicker Justin Rohrwasser has a tattoo on his left arm that resembles the logo of “The Three Percenters,” a right-wing militia group. Luckily drafting a player with troublesome tattoos has never burnt the Patriots before:

7. Peyton Manning, the number one overall pick by Indianapolis in the 1998 NFL Draft, said Sunday that he gave some advice to this year’s number one pick, quarterback Joe Burrow. That advice, be careful of the friends you surround yourself with:

8. Hall of Fame basketball player Michael Jordan will reportedly donate all proceeds he earns from his ‘Last Dance’ documentary to charity. That charity, the Las Vegas Wynn Resort and Casino.

9. According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is brain dead after slipping into a coma during heart surgery. But, on the plus side, he’s still doing better than the doctor who operated on him:

10. President Trump said Tuesday he doesn’t know whether North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un is ill but nevertheless wished him luck. That story again, man with unknown illness wishes Kim Jong Un well.

11. The Supreme Court said on Monday that for the first time it will hear cases argued by teleconference rather than in the courtroom due to the coronavirus. And also partially due to the fact that Gorsuch stopped showering months ago:

12. A village in Indonesia is using volunteers dressed as ghosts to scare people into social distancing. “Yeah … that’s why I’m dressed like this,“ said Stephen Miller:

13. New York Governor Andrew Cuomo said he had a “productive” meeting with President Trump Tuesday at the White House. Adding, “Trump almost solved all of Blue’s clues.”

14. Deaf Americans are urging the White House to use sign language interpreters at coronavirus briefings. Said non-deaf Americans, “Trust me, you don’t want that.”

15. Workers in the port of Antwerp will begin testing wristbands developed that may help guarantee the social distancing required during the COVID-19 pandemic. Although there are much cheaper fashion assessors that will ensure people stay at least six feet away from you:

16. Isolation at home inspired one California family to build an elaborate two-story Rube Goldberg machine. The last time something completely useless took up two stories was everyday for the past three years:

17. The engineers at NASA have developed a ventilator prototype tailored to help coronavirus patients. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, thanks, but we’re drinking bleach now, so we’re all good. 

18. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on Wednesday called the decision for President Donald Trump’s name to appear on stimulus checks amid the coronavirus pandemic “shameful.” She thinks that’s bad, wait til she finds out where he put his name:

19. The Supreme Court said on Monday that for the first time it will hear cases argued by teleconference rather than in the courtroom due to the coronavirus. And Kavanaugh already has his Zoom background picked out:

20. President Trump recently said his decision to reopen the country will be the “toughest decision that he will ever make. Replacing his previous touches decision, original recipe or extra crispy:

21. Last week, actor Tom Hanks sent a letter and a typewriter to an Australian boy who wrote to him about being bullied over his name, Corona. Said the boy, “Thanks Mr. Hanks, it worked. They no longer tease me about my name, now they make fun of me for owning a fucking typewriter in 2020.”

22. It is being reported that actor Tom Hanks is donating his plasma in an effort to find a cure to the coronavirus. Not to be outdone, Hank’s ‘Bosom Buddies’ co-star Peter Scolari is donating his plasma for about twenty bucks.

23. A man in Ohio was seen protesting stay-at-home orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Which means he’s just one poorly-tailored suit away from being President: 

24. A man in Ohio was seen protesting stay-at-home orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Although if you can’t trust your bowels to make it through one protest, maybe you should be staying at home.

25. English soccer player Kyle Walker recently apologized for having a prostitute sex party amid the coronavirus lockdown. “Ew, that’s gross,” said Charlie Sheen of soccer. 

September 8, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Over the weekend, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie turned 52-years-old. So finally his age is catching up to his waist.

2. A company in Washington state called Woosh Innovations has invented a canon that can shoot salmon across rivers to help them get past damns. “Pull,” shouted bears.

3. The Somalia-based Islamist terrorist militant group Al-Shabaab named Ahmed Omar Abu Ubaidah its new leader after its previous leader was killed in an American airstrike last week. Said Ubaidah, “Sorry I was late guys, what’d I miss?”

4. Kim Kardashian posed nude for the cover of this month’s British “GQ.” Said Kim, “If other people aren’t going to leak nude photos of me, then I’ll do it myself.”

5. A woman in Florida was kicked out of a bar for breastfeeding her baby while taking a shot and drinking a beer. Or, as it is more commonly known in Florida, a traditional Mothers’ Day brunch.

6. “The Spokesman Review,” a newspaper in Spokane, Washington, featured an obituary lamenting the passing of longtime resident, 93-year-old Dick Butt. Mr. Butt is survived by his loving wife Ina and their three kids Seymour, Anita and Harry.

7. On Friday, President Obama took a break from a NATO summit to visit Britain’s prehistoric Stonehenge monument. Or, as FoxNews reported it, look what President Obama’s mere presence did to this once thriving city.

8. The owner of the Atlanta Hawks announced on Sunday he will sell his controlling interest in the NBA franchise because of a racially insensitive email he sent. So far the highest offer has been $2 billion from the mysterious bidder, Ronald Smerling.

9. According to scientists, a mysterious late-night blast in the Nicaraguan capital of Managua that left a crater 40 feet wide was most likely caused by a meteorite and not, as previously reported, yo’ mama.

10. On Sunday, GM’s CEO said in two years it plans to introduce its first car that can communicate with other vehicles to help avoid accidents. But, until then, motorists will have to use the old method of communication, their middle finger.

March 31, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. A café where patrons can stroke a cat while sipping their latte has opened on the fringe of London’s financial district. Stressed-out workers see it as a way to unwind after a long day’s work, while single women in their late thirties see it as practice.

2. According to a new study, switching over to daylight saving time, and losing one hour, raised the risk of having a heart attack the following Monday by 25 percent. “What’s 25 percent more than 100 percent?” said Dick Cheney.

3. A man suspected of murder was arrested in Nicaragua one day after moving onto the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted List. “Dammit,” said number eleven.

4. According to a new study, adults hospitalized with mild head injuries have almost double the risk of dying in the following fifteen years compared to similar people with no history of head injury. Counterpoint: Gary Busey.

5. San Francisco 49ers cornerback Chris Culliver was arrested in California on Friday on felony hit-and-run and weapons charges. It may still be the offseason, but it looks like Culliver is already in midseason form.

6. France’s trade minister had to apologize on Friday after she was caught on tape saying that food served at a state dinner for Chinese President Xi Jinping was “disgusting.” But, in her defense, she is French.

7. A 1936 Nobel Peace Prize medal, only the second such medal to be sold at auction, has fetched $1.1 million in a sale to a private Asian collector on Friday. Proving wrong all those who said Kim Jong-Un would never get a Nobel Peace Prize.

8. Secretary of State John Kerry met with Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov on Sunday to discuss the crisis in Ukraine. Or, more accurately, Kerry talked and Lavrov tried his best to stay awake.

9. Residents of southern California were rattled by a 4.1 magnitude earthquake Saturday afternoon, the largest of more than 100 aftershocks following Friday’s 5.1 shaker. I know geologist are saying that these smaller quakes are aftershocks, but I’m not ruling out them being the Devil trying to send Fred Phelps back.

10. Today is Opening Day for Major League Baseball and somehow the Mets are already 32 games back and mathematically eliminated.

December 13, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, FoxNews anchor Megyn Kelly said Santa and Jesus were both white. I’ll give you Santa, but Jesus? He had a rather elaborate entourage, his dad was an absentee father and everyone is waiting on him to show up and he’s really late.

2. Yesterday, FoxNews anchor Megyn Kelly said Santa and Jesus were both white. Because nothing says hard-hitting news like debating the race of make-believe people.

3. Amid a tidal wave of negative publicity, a Colorado school has let a 6-year-old boy return to school after he kissed the hand of a girl saying they won’t classify the incident as sexual harassment since the girl was unharmed. But, just to make sure, they are testing her for coodies.

4. Instagram has announced a new private messaging feature called Instagram Direct, which will allow users to send a photo or video privately to up to fifteen followers. “Finally,” said Anthony Weiner.

5. Instagram has announced a new private messaging feature called Instagram Direct, which will allow users to send a photo or video privately to up to fifteen followers. Or, as I’m sure the feature will be know very soon, Instagram Erect.

6. In a recent interview, disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong admitted that he had made some mistakes in the past, but, if given the opportunity to do it all again, he would still dope. Hey Lance, that was one of those times you were supposed to lie.

7. On Thursday, U.S. regulators warned that a nipple fluid test is not an effective screening method for detecting breast cancer. This is especially true if your doctor conducts the test with his mouth.

8. First-term Congressman Ted Yoho accidentally set his upcoming gun safety event for kids on the same date as the one year anniversary of the Newton school shooting. It is an embarrassing gaffe for Yoho, or as he will undoubtedly soon be known, one-term Congressman Ted Yoho.

9. Nicaragua’s national assembly on Tuesday approved a constitutional change to remove presidential term limits, which could allow incumbent Daniel Ortega to stay in power for years. And really, when has that not worked out well?

10. Celebrity chef Nigella Lawson admitted last week to cocaine use as she testified during a fraud trial in London. Lawson went on to say, “Even after all that, I’m still don’t get Guy Fieri.”

Monologue Jokes – April 23, 2013

1. Washington state’s governor signed into law on Monday the final piece of a six-year effort to rewrite state laws using gender-neutral vocabulary, replacing words like “fisherman” with “fisher.” So remember citizens of Washington, that wasn’t a state congressman who wasted six years getting this law passed, it was an idiot.

2. Pediatricians cautioned young people against participating in a popular dare known as the cinnamon challenge, which involves trying to swallow a tablespoon of ground cinnamon in a minute without drinking water. And, instead, have advised youngster to return to their normal sugar/diabetes challenge.

3. Over the weekend, controversial player Luis Suarez appeared to bite an opponent before going on to score the winning goal. Alright, but did he use his hands?

4. New York City took the first step on Monday in outlawing sales of cigarettes to anyone under age 21, in an effort to reduce smoking amongst teenagers. Seems like a great idea, because if there’s one think teenagers are good at, it’s listening to authority.

5. According to a government-backed panel, there is not enough evidence to recommend universal screening to find people at risk of suicide. But maybe just hang out around Cleveland Cavaliers games.

6. Disgraced fashion designer John Galliano is continuing his public image rehabilitation tour with an upcoming stint teaching a master class at one of New York’s leading design schools. Prerequisites for the class include a background in fashion, a design book with at least ten different looks and an intense hatred of the Jews.

7. Eric Justin Toth, one of the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted fugitives was picked up on Saturday in Nicaragua. Making it a big day for whoever was formerly number 11 on the list.

8. Country singer Glen Campbell is set to release what could be his final album as the singer’s health has deteriorated after being diagnosed with Alzheimer’s two years ago. The album is said to be a beautiful mixture of bluesy country melodies and soulful guitar riffs over which Campbell repeatedly says, “line?”

9. On Monday, Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter said the city is exploring a bid to host the 2024 Olympic Games. And so begins the plot of the next “Rocky” movie.

10. Yesterday was Earth day. Which means today we can all go back to not recycling and ignoring Al Gore.