September 30, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday was National Coffee Day. President Obama celebrated by saluting a few Marines.

2. Yesterday, the Washington Post reported that the man who jumped the White House fence earlier this month actually made it all the way to the East Room. “That’s closer than I ever got,” said Mitt Romney.

3. A mandatory orientation program for all incoming freshman at the University of California that focuses on sex and alcohol, stressed that students should always seek an “enthusiastic” yes from their partners before engaging in sexual activity. Before? I can’t even get a girl to scream “yes” during.

4. According to new research, the dreaded “Freshman Fifteen,” where incoming college freshman gain fifteen pounds, is most likely overstated. But, just to be safe, campus dorm rooms are doing away with bunk-beds.

5. GM is warning Corvette owners that using the car’s “nanny cam” feature, which allows users to record what’s going on in the car, could be illegal in some states. Said Corvette owners, “Don’t worry, I don’t want to document what goes on when I drive the nanny home either.”

6. Freshman at Florida’s Lakewood High School were lined up last week in the school gymnasium to have their heights and weights recorded as part of a novel study on fighting teenage obesity. Then they were pelted with dodge balls.

7. Scientists at the University of Rochester claim to have developed a Harry Potter-like invisibility cloak. The way it works is you go out in public and tell people you’re a scientist at the University of Rochester.

8. A group in Colorado is seeking to open a members-only theater that would allow customers to smoke marijuana and watch movies in public. The group plans to save money by showing the same movie every time.

9. According to tabloid reports, David Hasselhoff and Justin Bieber have become friends after collaborating on a song. And you thought you hated Beiber’s music before.

10. Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi gave birth to a baby girl early Friday morning. Congrats kid, after surviving nine months in there, life will be a synch.

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