December 11, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump on Thursday postponed his trip to Israel amid a controversy over his proposal to ban Muslims from entering the United States, saying he will take the trip “at a later date after I become president of the U.S.” In response, Israel has thrown its support behind Jeb Bush.

2. On Wednesday, Former boxing champion and devout Muslim Muhammad Ali said banning all Muslims from entering the U.S. is not the answer. That story again, a man who got punched in the head for a living still makes more sense than Donald Trump.

3. On Thursday, Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer gave birth to identical twin girls. I wanted to see pictures of the newborns, so I typed “twin girls” into Yahoo and, an hour-and-a-half later, I was late for work.

4. Facebook at Work, Facebook’s professional version of its social network, is expected to launch in the coming months. Because that was the problem, not enough people using Facebook at work.

5. Facebook at Work, Facebook professional version of its social network, is expected to launch in the coming months. It’s perfect for anyone who likes LinkedIn but wished it had more pictures of other peoples’ kids.

6. Houston Texans defensive end J.J. Watt broke his hand in practice on Thursday but said he will play this Sunday against the New England Patriots. Meanwhile, I got a paper-cut and called in sick to work today.

7. World number three golfer Rory McIlroy is recovering after undergoing laser eye surgery to correct his vision. Although, seeing three cups when putting seemed to work out well for John Daly.

8. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s recently adopted dog Kaiya bite two visitors at an event on Wednesday. But, in Kaiya’s defense, she’s just practicing for when Trump finally arrives.

9. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia raised eyebrows on Wednesday with a comment he made during the court’s hearing of an affirmative action case, in which he seemed to suggest some African-Americans belong in lesser colleges. But, in Scalia’s defense, he is an old man, full of hate.

10. This week, presidential candidate Jeb Bush said it is important for him to let voters know that his religious beliefs contribute to his decision making. Begging the question, when is God gonna tell him to stop running for president?

11. A forensic scientist has come up with a composite of what Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s new baby boy will look like in seven years. The composite proves one thing for sure, there’s a lot of down time when you’re a forensic scientist.

12. On Tuesday, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton took some time off from the campaign trail to shop for Christmas presents in Iowa. Because there’s no better insurance that your friends and family won’t want to return their Christmas presents if they have to go to Iowa to do so.

13. A Nevada politician last week released a Christmas card featuring her whole family, including her five-year-old son, holding guns. So, if they ask for some figgy pudding, you better have some figgy pudding.

14. This week, Lionsgate announced that they will release a prequel to their popular “Hunger Games” movies, which take place in a dystopian future. The prequel will just be documentary of Trump running for president.

15. On Tuesday, a spokesperson for the U.N. said Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s proposed ban on Muslims entering the U.S. was “grossly irresponsible.” Although, if history has proven anything, it’s that Donald Trump doesn’t stop once someone calls him “gross.”

16. Last week, an unidentified suspect threw a brick through the window of a bookstore in Denver named “ISIS Books” even though it has no affiliation with the terrorist group. While people in Alabama continue to throw bricks through bookstore windows regardless of store names.

17. A Wisconsin toy store owner has bought all of the tickets for an opening night screening of the latest “Star Wars” movie at a local theater. It combines his two favorite things, “Star Wars” and avoiding any and all human interaction.

18. Uruguayans will be able to choose from three varieties of state-sanctioned cannabis when marijuana starts being sold in pharmacies next year. Because if there’s anything stoners are good at, it’s making decisions.

19. Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush hinted that, if nominated, he would pick a woman as his running mate. My guess, he’ll probably pick that fat lady who keeps following him around and singing.

20. Professional soccer players across Brazil folded their arms and stood still for a short time at the start of end of season matches on Sunday to protest against alleged corruption. Begging the question, what have Cleveland Browns players been protesting for the past twenty years?

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