1. In a recent interview, golfer Tiger Woods said he peaked when he was eleven. Begging the question, how much sex was eleven-year-old Tiger Woods having?
2. Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush hinted that, if nominated, he would pick a woman as his running mate. “Word of advice, that doesn’t work with just any woman,” said John McCain.
3. Philadelphia prosecutors on Monday announced a pilot program that gives people charged with nonviolent felonies a chance to attend college classes as an alternative to going to trial. Which is basically the exact opposite of how FSU works.
4. Porsche will spend over $1 billion on production facilities to make its first-ever all-electric sports car. Because nothing says you can’t care about the environment and also have a small penis.
5. Last week, ahead of the highly-anticipated release of “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”, actor Mark Hamill went undercover as a stormtrooper on Hollywood Boulevard for charity. It was a nice break for Hamill who usually plays Batman on Hollywood Boulevard.
6. Yesterday Donald Trump ripped Time magazine’s pick of Angela Merkel as their “Person of the Year,” saying she is “ruining Germany.” Merkel has been added to Trump’s list of people who have ruined Germany, so now the list reads “Angela Merkel” and “the Allies.”
7. In a recent interview, Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio said his favorite show is “The Walking Dead.” Although Rubio thinks “The Walking Dead” is a documentary about Jeb Bush’s presidential campaign.
8. This week, Arnold Schwarzenegger said he will become a part-time vegetarian to cut down on his carbon footprint. Then he drove off in a Hummer inside of a tank
9. On Wednesday, Former boxing champion and devout Muslim Muhammad Ali said banning all Muslims from entering the U.S. is not the answer. That story again, a man who got punched in the head for a living still makes more sense than Donald Trump.
10. A forensic scientist has come up with a composite of what Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s new baby boy will look like in seven years. The composite proves one thing for sure, there’s a lot of down time when you’re a forensic scientist.