December 10, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump defended his controversial ban on all Muslims from entering the U.S. by saying that “many Muslim friends of mine are in agreement with me.” But, if you were friends with Trump, you’d probably be in favor of a proposal that kept you away from him as well.

2. Yesterday Donald Trump ripped Time magazine’s pick of Angela Merkel as their “Person of the Year,” saying she is “ruining Germany.” Merkel has been added to Trump’s list of people who have ruined Germany, so now the list reads “Angela Merkel” and “the Allies.”

3. In defending his proposed ban on Muslims entering the United States, Republican Donald Trump compared himself to FDR. So, fingers-crossed that this is Trump’s way of telling us that he has polio.

4. U.S. presidential candidate Donald Trump’s anti-Muslim comments cost him business in the Middle East on Wednesday, with a major chain of department stores halting sales of his glitzy “Trump Home” line of lamps, mirrors and jewelry boxes. So now shoppers in the Middle East will just have a find new way to make their homes look like one of Liberace’s wet dreams.

5. A German factory operated largely by robots will make its first 500 pairs of running shoes for Adidas early next year as the sportswear company seeks to cut labor costs. While factories in China won’t replace their workforce until advancements are made in the field of child robots.

6. In a recent interview, Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio said his favorite show is “The Walking Dead.” Although Rubio thinks “The Walking Dead” is a documentary about Jeb Bush’s presidential campaign.

7. The John Hopkins University medical team that performed arm and hand transplants hopes to perform the first penile transplant in the United States in the coming months. Said the man who will be the recipient, “It could be sooner, we’re just waiting for an NBA player to die.”

8. The Boston Public Health Commission said on Wednesday, at least 80 students who ate at a local Chipotle restaurant have been sickened by norovirus, which is essentially a very severe form of food poisoning. In response, rival Taco Bell issued a statement saying customers cannot get food poisoning at their establishments since nothing they serve can be categorized as food.

9. According to a new study, elderly women who have urinary incontinence are at increased risk of falls. Coincidentally they tend to be in a lot of areas that tend to be pretty slippery.

10. This week, Arnold Schwarzenegger said he will become a part-time vegetarian to cut down on his carbon footprint. Then he drove off in a Hummer inside of a tank.

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