April 21, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. New England Patriot defensive end Alan Branch said he decided to skip going to the White House to meet President Trump on Wednesday because he “couldn’t shake his hand and look my daughters in the eye.” Said Trump, “Who looks their daughter in the eye?”:

2. A professional tennis match being played at the Sarasota Open in Florida Tuesday night was temporarily interrupted by the sounds of loud sex coming from a building nearby. That story again, the couple that lives in the apartment above mine is apparently on vacation in Florida.

3. This week, Sarah Palin ate dinner with President Trump at the White House and brought along Ted Nugent and Kid Rock. That story again, the White House relaxed its “no shoes, no shirt, no service” policy.

4. On Wednesday, Fox News fired Bill O’Reilly amid sexual harassment allegations from twelve women over the past fifteen years. So, if you’re ever wondered exactly how behind the times Fox New is, the answer is fifteen years.

5. The same day he was fired from Fox News, Bill O’Reilly was spotted in Vatican City shaking the Pope’s hand. And the two have a lot in common, they’re both celibate, although not from a lack of trying by one of them.

6. British tech entrepreneur Patrick Bergel became the first man to drive a car across the Antartic, completing the feat 100 years after his great-grandfather, explorer Ernest Shackleton, failed to cross the same continent on foot. Said Bergel, “I like to think, if my great-grandfather were alive to see this, he’d call me an incredible pussy for using a car.”

7. According to a new study, having frequent sex improves your memory. Which makes it even weirder that Anthony Weiner kept forgetting to delete his browser history.

8. Colorado is set to open the country’s first drive-thru marijuana store. Although, technically, not on purpose:

9. An Oregon man’s obituary claims he died peacefully after falsely being told by his family members that Donald Trump had been impeached. His last words were reportedly “Oh no, Mike Pence!”

10. Barack and Michelle Obama have been spotted vacationing on a yacht in Tahiti with Oprah, Tom Hanks and Bruce Springsteen. “That’s ridiculous, who waits until after their presidency to vacation?” said Trump from Mar-a-Lago.

11. A high school senior in Tennessee went skydiving in a tuxedo to ask his girlfriend to prom. And, considering his first two parachutes failed and he was able to pull the chord to the last one just in time, he may want to get those tuxedo pants laundered before prom.

12. Renata Rojas of New York is paying $105,000 to visit the wreckage of the Titanic. Although, if she’s interested in seeing a sinking ship, she could save a lot of money by getting a job in the Trump White House.

13. A stage parody of the hit show “Friends” is debuting off-Broadway this year. While a parody of the hit show “The West Wing” has been running for months in D.C.

14. The International Church of Cannabis is set to open its doors for the first time next week in Denver. And I have a hunch that won’t be the only international house of worship those patrons visit that day:

15. According to a new study, having a baby can wreck your marriage. ”It’s adorable that you think those things happen in that order,” said the South.

16. According to reports, President Trump has requested a gold-plated carriage ride with Queen Elizabeth when he makes his first official visit to Great Britain. Presumably because the Access Hollywood bus was already booked.

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