1. New England Patriot defensive end Alan Branch said he decided to skip going to the White House to meet President Trump on Wednesday because he “couldn’t shake his hand and look my daughters in the eye.” Said Trump, “Who looks their daughter in the eye?”:

2. A professional tennis match being played at the Sarasota Open in Florida Tuesday night was temporarily interrupted by the sounds of loud sex coming from a building nearby. That story again, the couple that lives in the apartment above mine is apparently on vacation in Florida.

3. On Wednesday, New England Patriot tight end Rob Gronkowski popped his head into the White House briefing room to ask Press Secretary Sean Spicer if he needed any help. That story again, a man who shows obvious signs of severe and repeated brain trauma met Rob Gronkowski.

4. While making a speech in Wisconsin on Tuesday, President Trump called Wisconsin Senator Paul Ryan by the wrong name multiple times. “Yeah, he’ll do that,” said Eric and Tiffany.

5. Last week, President Trump’s reelection campaign said it raised $7.1 million during the first three month this year. Although, that number could be a lot higher depending the on the strength of the ruble.

6. A suspected pickpocket faced charges Monday for allegedly stealing more than 100 cell phones at this weekend’s Coachella music festival. Begging the question, if no one can Instagram Coachella, did it really happen?

7. Yesterday, President Trump tweeted out an endorsement for a book entitled “Reasons to Vote for Democrats,” which is just 260 blank pages. Coincidentally, the book also contains Trump’s plan to defeat ISIS.

8. United Airlines has once again come under fire after removing a couple heading to their wedding from a Houston flight on Saturday. It was the first of two aisle the groom-to-be had to be dragged down that weekend.

9. Over the weekend, Donald Trump Jr. was spotted around the pool at his father’s Mar-a-Lago estate in Florida wearing a t-shirt bearing the words “Very Fake News.” While Eric Trump was seen around the pool wearing a head-to-toe robe and cursing the sun:

10. A musical parody of the show “Friends” is debuting off-Broadway later this year. As an homage to “The Phantom of the Opera,” right before intermission the Chandler drops.